ScotisGone74
You are dead right - you dodged a major cosmic bullet. One thing I haven't seen spoken about is sexual jealousy, a technique that BPD's use to keep you in this state of fixated control. You, I'm suspecting like me, isn't just going to sleep with anybody.
I've slept with two women in my life, my wife and my BPD ex. For you, like most people, sex is associated with intimacy. Because BPD's have such an insanely hard time with emotional intimacy, they look at physical intimacy as "close enough". They will have a very long sexual track record and will do everything from letting you know who they are sleeping with to calling you after sex to act like everything is the same or to guilt you into committing less someone sleeps with "your girl". I remember my BPD in the beginning of the relationship was actually sleeping with my colleague and letting me know in both over and covert ways that she was doing so.
At the same time, she was making out with me, holding my hand, and even performing sexual acts in my car. So she was showing me the potential, claiming the reality with my colleague was subpar, and was holding me hostage until I would commit to the relationship. And this was the BEGINNING of the relationship.
Compared to me, all of you are emotional rocket scientists. You sound like a very educated/intelligent guy. I have a theory about doctors... . my dad is one and at one time I was president over 3 medical centers... . worked with a lot of doctors. Actually it isn't limited to doctors, but it seems more prevalent with them.
When people are maturing, they sometimes hit bumps in the road that stop them from going on. The BPD folks... . seem to be stuck early at 2-3 yrs old. I think I was stuck at about 17, same as most doctors. Why would I say most doctors... . to be a doctor you have to bust your butt studying from 17-25 or so... . putting in long hours. You do things that are emotionally very trying (like dissecting cadavers)... . typically repressing a lot of needs in the process. Then when you finally get out and are doing an internship, you are called a doctor... . you want a partner... . and get one that is all wrong, but drawn to being "Mrs. Doctor X"... . and head out to start repaying all that med school debt.
So, I would disagree that compared to you, all of us are emotional rocket scientists. We were not as buried in pre-med/med school to the exclusion of being late teen/early twenties daters. The good thing is you probably make up for it in brain power.
If you are single now, do yourself a favor... . stay single a few years, date... . you will have lots of interest... . you can get the dating experience we were having when you were busy... . nicer even, girls will go out with you that wouldn't with us... . and find out what your issues are that led you to a pwBPD... . (I like Reinventing Your life by Jeff Young... . and the schema therapy tests online... . set you back maybe $20... . give a lot of direction)
There have been a few doctors I met that didn't seem emotionally stunted around 17... . but I would say 9 out of 10 were. To sell them on an idea you had to make it sound like it was their idea and slightly irresponsible fun... . which is part of what led me to my theory.
Anyway, you are being hard on yourself, lot of shame/dis-approval for having fallen for a pwBPD. It isn't a fluke, and it isn't something to beat yourself up about... . both people in a r/s usually have about the same level of dysfunction... . you see the BPD issues, and from your comments I suspect you are very hard on yourself, maybe don't feel much joy even though you are driven and accomplish a lot, are socially awkward, etc... . those are things you can change to make your life much better.
