Had a spontaneous and fun date with dBPDh on Saturday, which was nice. I've been working on raising my attitude baseline to be more positive instead of getting sucked into the drama, depression, and negativity brought on by the BPD in our lives. Previously, that meant not getting drawn into intense fights, but lately I've really noticed "ho hum, nothing goes right", low grade depression, Eeyore thinking has become pervasive in my life. It is most likely to happen when I'm exhausted or anxious about something (or HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired).
Yesterday, for example, we went on a bit of a long drive right after church to allow our son to get a decent nap in the car. We drove around a neighborhood we are possibly considering moving to in a year or two, and H had nothing positive to say (surprise, surprise). Every comment was negative. I didn't realize I was getting tired and hungry and I got a bit upset and forgot myself for a moment, gently brought up how the negativity was feeling hurtful and it'd be nice if we could maybe focus on some positives for a while. Of course he saw that as a complete rejection of who he is and got defensive, etc. To his credit, he did not rage, and to our mutual credit it did not turn into a big nasty fight. But he did feel unworthy of my love and proceeded to make statements about how our marriage is not going to make it and he doesn’t know why we even try, we’re just fooling ourselves, we fight way too much, etc. etc. etc. Normally this hurts me so badly that I lash out and he leaves me and my son. This time I did not lash out and he did not leave.
It wasn't until we got home a few minutes later that I came to my senses and realized what was going on (we were both tired, hungry, talked out, etc.). I wallowed in self pity for a minute just like him – “but what do I do? How can I possibly salvage this day?” And then something in me just said, “Hang on. This is silly. What the crap is so serious, anyway? There hasn’t been a fight, and there’s not even anything to fight about.” I made a joke about it, H laughed, and we proceeded to have a pretty good rest of the day!
It’s so easy to get pulled down by all the “ho hum”-ness, even when it doesn’t seem like blatant negativity or drama. Everything in the world doesn’t need to be analyzed, validated, resolved…sometimes you can just be silly, laugh it off, and move on! I love the moments where I snap out of this grey, bleak life and inject some fun and vibrance into it! I’m especially thankful that this weekend, H got to be a part of it
Looking forward to more times like this as I continue to practice positivity, mindfulness, and gratefulness!
I mean really, what was I thinking confronting him on his negativity? Lol, like that was going to get me anywhere I wanted to go. But that’s another thread entirely…
