anxiety of anticipation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well it has been a few weeks now since both my mom and I have had any contact with my BPD sister and wow, how nice it has been.  My mom has her last PT appt. tomorrow and I am going to take her home.  She lives 2.5 hours away from me and 2 miles away from my abusive sister.  I can tell she is getting nervous about going home but on thec same hand is preparing to make adjustments in her life which will be for the better.  She is hiring a lawn service, going to get garbage pick up for the first time in her life.  Has decided not to have a garden this year.  These things are all getting harder for her to do and with her diagnosis of spinal stenosis which she is finally starting to recover from she dosent need things that will make her worse.  My BPD sister has always demanded she do these things because it is "good for her".  At some time my mom is going to run into mys sister and I pray my mom has the strength to be strong and not let her continue to be abusive to her. 

I have a question.  My boys are 4 and 6 years old.  I talked to my social worker about how I answer the kids when we go up north and my kids ask to see my sisters kids or ask why we are not going to see them.  Her response to me was to tell them " we are not going to see them" if they ask why I am to simply answer them with "because I said so, I feel it is best we don't do that but we are going going to do... .   "  I understand I can not explain the "truth" to them but any other suggestions on what to tell my kids.  It breaks my heart because they want to see their cousins and I love my nieces and nephew. 

The next dilema is we have a family wedding shower in a few weeks.  Prior to the last major blowup she agreed to go in on a gift with my mom and I.  I assume she will not come to the shower but several weeks ago she was planning on going in on the gift and now we are no contact.  I want to forget it and not verify if she wants to go in on it, my mom thinks because she was going to, we need to ve rify with her.  I can understand that but there is no way I could simply ask her for a "yes" "no" answer because it would erupt into a day long disruption that I am finally feeling peace from... .   I want nothing to do with her... .   what should we do about the shower gift?

[enough abuse]

Well it has been a few weeks now since both my mom and I have had any contact with my BPD sister and wow, how nice it has been.  My mom has her last PT appt. tomorrow and I am going to take her home.  She lives 2.5 hours away from me and 2 miles away from my abusive sister.  I can tell she is getting nervous about going home but on thec same hand is preparing to make adjustments in her life which will be for the better.  She is hiring a lawn service, going to get garbage pick up for the first time in her life.  Has decided not to have a garden this year.  These things are all getting harder for her to do and with her diagnosis of spinal stenosis which she is finally starting to recover from she dosent need things that will make her worse.  My BPD sister has always demanded she do these things because it is "good for her".  At some time my mom is going to run into mys sister and I pray my mom has the strength to be strong and not let her continue to be abusive to her. 

I have a question.  My boys are 4 and 6 years old.  I talked to my social worker about how I answer the kids when we go up north and my kids ask to see my sisters kids or ask why we are not going to see them.  Her response to me was to tell them " we are not going to see them" if they ask why I am to simply answer them with "because I said so, I feel it is best we don't do that but we are going going to do... .   "  I understand I can not explain the "truth" to them but any other suggestions on what to tell my kids.  It breaks my heart because they want to see their cousins and I love my nieces and nephew. 

The next dilema is we have a family wedding shower in a few weeks.  Prior to the last major blowup she agreed to go in on a gift with my mom and I.  I assume she will not come to the shower but several weeks ago she was planning on going in on the gift and now we are no contact.  I want to forget it and not verify if she wants to go in on it, my mom thinks because she was going to, we need to ve rify with her.  I can understand that but there is no way I could simply ask her for a "yes" "no" answer because it would erupt into a day long disruption that I am finally feeling peace from... .   I want nothing to do with her... .   what should we do about the shower gift?

[Chrystabel]

Boy do "gift" issues and NC bring up memories for me!

 

It is hard when you have such young children.  The six year old might understand, but your younger child cannot. 

My suggestion would be to keep your reply as honest and age appropriate as possible.  I did tell my kids a modified version.  In a nutshell:  "I'm sorry we can't see Grandma and Grandpa right now. We are having a big people problem.  It isn't your fault.  I love you so much."  I would be cautious about saying "because I said so" in a situation like this. It is natural why they would question... .   and you don't want to shut them down emotionally.  Just my opinion.

It is SO hard.  I know.  Please hang in there.  It breaks my heart that my kids can't experience a healthy extended family. 

I think you have already found the answer concerning the shower gift.  NC is to help lower your stress level... .   not ratchet it up!     I would try to do something solo if I was in your shoes.

[enough abuse]

Chrystabel,

Thanks for the response.  I like your suggestion about telling the kids it's a "big people" problem.  I did not like the "because I said so" response the professional suggested.  She said when you make a firm decision the kids feel safe.  I do think my 6 year old will not buy it. 

Yes the shower gift issue and having contact even if via text will most definatly "ratchet" up what has finally calmed down and I DO NOT want to go there.  It has been a very rough 6 weeks finally settling.  My mom is feeling "well she originally said she wanted to in on it so are we wrong if we don't confirm"  Personally I am almost certain she will not go to the shower and pretty sure she will not go to the wedding.  All last year this family had 4 events we were all invited to and my sister found excuses not to go to any of them.  Fine with me because she drinks to much at weddings and is embarrasing. 

I know how you feel about it breaking your heart that your kids cant have a relationship with the extended family.  It is so hard... .  my thoughts are with you also.