Friend with pwBPD is unsympathetic---hanging up on me

[shatra]

Hi--

   I am feeling angry and stunned by a friend --not my boyfriend this time. I belong to a community charity and we are each assigned a partner. Mine has told me she is diagnosed with BPD. I have worked with her for awhile, and find she does the typical BPD splitting and projection. One day she sees people as all good, ans another time she sees them as all bad. It doesn't change depending on their behavior--it changes depending on her mood. So if Sam does A and B on Monday she is fine with it, and if he does the same exact hting on Thursday she  is nasty and hyper-critical. She also projects her mood onto the outside world.

    I have found that especially lately she has been very unsympathetic---saying things like "too bad---they'll  get through it" and laughing at the misfortunes of the victims of this charity... .  

  I have told her privately that I find this unsympathetic attitude to be negative---and she blew up and denied any wrongdoing. She said if a tragedy happens, either laugh or cry---and she prefers to laugh (and cover up feelings).SO Iremembered the lessons here, and validated her, that "that is your style--I understand that" and she hung up on me! I felt upset, so I waited an hour and called back---she hung up again.

   At this point, I think many people would just not haave contact with her (the charity does not involve face to face contact, and we are free to choose another partner to work with at any time).  I am reluctant to do this, because I feel "sticking it out" and tolerating her would "Build my character" and also my fault is involved here too---I am too sensitive, and perhaps "laughing things off" is something I ought to develop. If I switch and work with someone else, I won't be forcing myself to be exposed to this. And in general I prefer to confront issues rather than escape.

  Yet I am frustrated with her extreme moodiness, lack of sympathy, and fear each time I call her what kind of mood she will be in. I know that though i am strong enough to speak to her, she hasn't changed. And it feels uncomfortable to be hung up on by an older adult! So i have a mixture of feelings, and wish we could agree to disagree. Yet I know that if I "stick it out" with her , she may suddenly be nice for one or 2 calls, and then act out again.

Take care

SHatra

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[Grey Kitty]

I am reluctant to do this, because I feel "sticking it out" and tolerating her would "Build my character" and also my fault is involved here too---I am too sensitive, and perhaps "laughing things off" is something I ought to develop. If I switch and work with someone else, I won't be forcing myself to be exposed to this.

Well... .  you have dealt with your BF's BPD issues, and you know how much work that is. Is that how you wish to spend your time while doing in your charity work?

Would changing partners hurt this friendship? Are there other reasons you want to save your friendship with this person?

[shatra]

Hi---

   Greykitty wrote

Well... .  you have dealt with your BF's BPD issues, and you know how much work that is. Is that how you wish to spend your time while doing in your charity work?

Would changing partners hurt this friendship? Are there other reasons you want to save your friendship with this person?

======Good questions. I was thinking that since my BF has BPD also, I "should" be able to tolerate this.  No, other people avoid this person in the charity work, and I would like to have a more pleasant, calm time (which I would with someone else in the charity)... .  yet my irrational thought is that I "should" be developing my character and tolerance by accepting all this. If someone else described this, I might think it would be healthy for them to avoid the person, yet I feel I am "escaping" her instead of learning to put up with her. 

------If I switched partners I would never have to talk to or see this person again. The reasons I am undecided and would possibly keep the friendship:

-----I "should" "take the good with the bad" and I "should" learn to be more tolerant. There are all kinds of people in the world----I "should" learn to tolerate her

-----She is occasionally nice

-----On a rare occasion she doesn't verbally attack or get defensive when I am assertive (i.e.=====she is nasty and critical, and I speak to her about it, and she doesn't always attack. Yet she usually does)

And the reasons I would switch to a different person to work with:

----This person is very hostile, abrupt, cold and unsympathetic re: peoples' problems (including laughing at them, and telling them to just laugh off disasters) most of the time

=====She is so unpredictable that I feel anxious about calling, and often avoid calling her.

----She is harshly judgmental and critical----often blaming the victim

Thanks

Shatra

[shatra]

Hi

  Another thought is that perhaps the lack of sympathy and empathy is narcissistic. I have read that pwBPD have narcissistic traits as part of the disorder. Whatever the cause of it, I feel uncomfortable with the lack of empathy.

   Re: the hanging up the phone on someone, I would have trouble continuing to work with someone so unstable. She has now set the precedent that she can hang up on me and I have set the precedent that I will still call back and want to talk to her anyway. When I told her I don't like being hung up on, she told me I was scolding her, and didn't take any responsibility.

   I would like to tell her "I appreciate that you have done some good work for the charity. At times it was nice working with you. I just need to switch and work with someone else because of what we talked about (i.e.----I feel upset about her laughing at peoples' tragedies and telling them to laugh about it too, her not being sympathetic, and now her rudely hanging up on me). I wish you the best".  Is this a mistake to say it that way?

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

Shatra, you aren't exactly making a good case for working things out with her.

Yes, wearing a hairshirt will build some character... .  but this one doesn't seem to have other benefits!

(Contrast to your boyfriend... .  you do get enough benefits from him to be worth working on that r/s)

I would like to tell her "I appreciate that you have done some good work for the charity. At times it was nice working with you. I just need to switch and work with someone else because of what we talked about (i.e.----I feel upset about her laughing at peoples' tragedies and telling them to laugh about it too, her not being sympathetic, and now her rudely hanging up on me). I wish you the best".  Is this a mistake to say it that way?

Wanting to say something like that is normal. I would expect it to work with a non.

Expecting closure from a pwBPD is a mistake.

Expecting a pwBPD to understand your side of things and your feelings isn't a very good bet. They usually don't have that emotional capacity.