Have to admit to uBPDbf that I lied

[toomanyeggshells]

So when I get home from work tonight, I have to tell uBPDbf that I lied to him.  Its gonna get ugly.  He's flying with some family members of mine out of state for my D's college graduation.  My ex-H is also going and flying with us.  He thinks ex-H ordered his own ticket, however, I ordered it with the rest of ours and he mailed me a check to pay for it (to my office, not our house). 

When the whole subject of all of us flying together first came up 5 months ago, uBPDbf INSISTED that I better not order my x-H's ticket with ours.  He didn't care if he flew with us, but he does not want me having any contact with him at all.  Well, of course, when x-H asked me to order his, I did.  Now the trip is 10 days away, I'm laying awake at night worrying about him finding out while we're on this trip and flipping out in front of everyone.  I know I should have told him months ago, but I was trying to avoid a rage. 

My x-H and I don't hate each other and get along fine.  I don't socialize with him but if there's something that has to do with our kids, we're fine together. 

UBPDbf is out-of-control jealous and has insisted over the 3 years we've lived together that I should have NO contact with x-H whatsoever, which aggravates me since that's not his call to make.

I'm just going to be honest, admit I lied, tell him the truth and apologize (and be ready to leave the house if he gets out of control, which I fully expect based on past experience).  Any suggestions on the best way to do this?  UGH!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hithere]

I don't think there is going to be a right way of doing it, sorry.

But I am curious,  if you knew this would cause you a problem why would you have done it in the first place? Not judging you, just curious... .  but since you are with a person with BPD I guess maybe you have a hard time setting boundaries, even with your ex husband?

[Kunoichi]

I understand why you never said anything and I'm not so sure you should now. How much of a chance is there for your bf to find out? If the chance is great then okay tell him but if there is little to no chance then why bother? I have learned in 18 years of marriage to a pwBPD to pick my battles carefully.

As for the r/s you and exH have you are right that is none of your current bf's business. When it comes to our children we have to always do what is best for them and it sounds to me like you have a great r/s with your ex and it should stay that way.

This would be a great time to set a boundary. If you decide to tell your bf about what you did then you need to follow that up by telling him that in the future when it comes to decisions involving your children he is not to get involved UNLESS it affects him directly.

I had to do that with my H who is a pwBPD, he tries to dictate if or when I can communicate with my sister. I have made it crystal clear that he nor anyone else in this world will tell me if or when I can be in contact with her. That decision is mine and hers alone.

He still tries but I stand my ground and will fight him tooth and nail over that. He has threatened to have my phone turned off and to have the internet turned off and I just remind him that I can still write and I can mail a letter. He threatens to break my arms and I remind him that he will go to jail. He eventually shuts up. It's a tit for tat situation with us, he comes up with his nonsense and I remind him of reality.

Nothing except lying to me will tick me off faster than telling me that I CAN'T do something. Puhlease 

[sadeyes]

I don't think I would tell him either unless there is.a good chance he will find out. I know I pay for it forever when my pwBPD even thinks I have lied to him. This even when I was really honest.

[iluminati]

Personally, I would tell him the truth, then mention a bunch of cuss words that this board prohibits.  If I'm understanding correctly, your ex-H is the father of your D, right?  One way or another, he'd have to deal with the ex-H at some point during the trip to the graduation.  It's obviously an event for your daughter first and foremost.  If he has a problem with a father being there for his daughter on a big day because he thinks you're thisclose to jumping back with him, he needs to get over himself.  Make it clear that he's going, and if he acts a fool, he's welcome not to come.  (Though I wouldn't want him in your house by himself knowing your history.  I have a feeling we'd end up reading about it on the national news if he did.)

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm suffering through a fresh break up where my uBPDbf broke up with me for "lying" - I had gone so far as to hire a private investigator and he saw me meeting the guy to give him a check. He said I lied about my whereabouts and accused me of cheating so I had to divulge that no, umm I'm not cheating, never have, but I did hire a PI because I'm sick of your lies!

So I shared that because I'm extra disgruntled and writhing in pain so my reply will sound harsh.

The issue with the plane ticket and your exhusband is just the kind of thing that I would have had to be afraid of! And it's total crap. That's what your post has made me realize- these borderlines do whatever they want to us but if we do something as benign as ordering a plane ticket we have to fret and be afraid! I can't help it, it makes me angry. Maybe others are correct about boundaries with your ex but it's a plane ticket not a romantic dinner for two... .  I feel that if you're in a relationship with someone who isn't borderline then you wouldn't have to think twice about something so benign. Just my two cents. And as an aside my ex boyfriend would have gotten jealous and furious if I had done that for my exhusband but it was okay for him to screw his ex girlfriend for two years behind my back. The nerve they have is annoying.

[toomanyeggshells]

But I am curious,  if you knew this would cause you a problem why would you have done it in the first place? Not judging you, just curious... .  but since you are with a person with BPD I guess maybe you have a hard time setting boundaries, even with your ex husband?

Why did I do it anyway ... .  excellent question that I've been trying to figure out. 

Partly because I wanted to make sure my x-H would get on one of the only flights available to get there in time for the graduation (we're flying into a tiny regional airport) and I know how much my D wants him to be there, party because I'm somewhat of a control freak and like to make sure everything is in order, and partly because, to me, its no big deal.  x-H and I have a fine post-divorce r/s and don't hate each other (as does uBPDbf and his second x-W).

I don't think I would tell him either unless there is.a good chance he will find out. I know I pay for it forever when my pwBPD even thinks I have lied to him. This even when I was really honest.

I was starting to get very worried that he would find out when we were on the trip and then ... .  only God knows how bad that rage would be!  Even though I knew there would be hell to pay for doing it and lying about it, I knew I'd at least feel better and not have a knot in my stomach the whole trip.

iluminati, I agree with your post completely.  The whole issue is his overwhelming jealousy about everyone, not just x-H, and his total lack of trust.  I agree that I screwed up the trust part by lying, but I feel it shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.  UBPDbf has had major issues over the last 3 years with me being around x-H for anything having to do with my kids and, really, I'm soo tired of it.

[toomanyeggshells]

Here's a quick update as to what happened when I told him.  Of course, he went into a screaming, name calling rage.  Amazingly, nothing violent except knocking over the coffee table.  I did sit on the couch for a few minutes to explain how the whole situation with me ordering the plane tickets occurred, although he really didn't care, he was just screaming. 

Then it changed pretty quickly from name calling to ... .  I want you out of this house, pack up, get all your stuff, I'm changing the locks, etc.  I didn't respond to any of that, I just went upstairs and stayed there the rest of the night. 

However, the weird part of this is that for the last week, and especially over this past weekend, his behavior was so out of control that I was ready to move out on my own.  He begged and pleaded and I stayed.  Now that I'm the "bad guy" and he's telling me to go, why don't I    Ugh, I feel so screwed up in my head.  I feel bad for him but even if my lying blows over, he's still going to be the same mean, miserable, jealous person he was before, and it will be even worse because he'll keep throwing this up in my face every chance he gets.  Why now am I hesitating on moving when 3 days ago I was all set in my head to leave? What the hell is wrong with me?

[waverider]

You did it out of fear, because you are thinking and acting reactively to how your bf may or may not react. Rather than based purely on what YOU think is right. This is the natural destiny of living with a pwBPD. You need to learn to be aware of these issues and address them or as you have found you will end up in deeper and deeper holes.

I am currently making a big effort in this area. My partner is inconsistent in her wants and needs, so I regularly dont disclose my plans as it can end up in an argument over something that may or may not happen. Hence the argument is mute anyway. This I dont intend changing, I will do what I think is right rather than out of fear of reactions, but I now try to make a point of stating straight after the action what I did, and she is learning to accept this. Strangely many things I thought would be issues are'nt, and I am actually getting more respect than when I just pussy footed around.

After all the issue is theirs but by hiding it you are making it yours.

I am me, I am proud of being me and my decisions, even when I screw up, and I am not willing to have that taken away from me, out of fear. That is my right as an individual.

You dont always have to tip toe on eggshells, sometimes you can stride confidently over them and crush them, because that is your choice.

[iluminati]

Toomanyeggshells, I will have to say that is he's jealous of everyone, he's jealous of no one, if that makes any sense.  In other words, if jealousy is just the way he looks at the typical person, you can discount it as being relevant.  Yeah, you have to own your piece of lying to him about it.  That said, the whole situation isn't really about you, except to the extent that you're the mother of your daughter.  That he feels the spotlight should be on him when it isn't about him speaks volumes.

Oh, about your desire to move out being diminished, it's clear you feel guilty about putting yourself in this spot.  :)on't.  If it wasn't this, it was going to be something else, and I get the sense that you know that too.

[hithere]

Why now am I hesitating on moving when 3 days ago I was all set in my head to leave? What the hell is wrong with me?

Here is my thought, maybe you bought your ex the ticket knowing your BPD would go nuts and then you would finally have the strength to leave... .  I know this is the staying board so I won't voice my advice but I wonder if this could be true.

[egribkb]

BPD's push boundaries and your EX-H also pushed over one with you, that you allowed. Anyone who stays in a relationship with a BPD or seems to attract these types needs to read this book... .  

www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

[waverider]

Why now am I hesitating on moving when 3 days ago I was all set in my head to leave? What the hell is wrong with me?

Here is my thought, maybe you bought your ex the ticket knowing your BPD would go nuts and then you would finally have the strength to leave... .  I know this is the staying board so I won't voice my advice but I wonder if this could be true.

A form of passive aggression?

It was a known issue in advance, and not that hard to have avoided.

Sometimes we do act that way subconsciously. It is a hard thing to self admit though

[toomanyeggshells]

Oh, about your desire to move out being diminished, it's clear you feel guilty about putting yourself in this spot.  :)on't.  If it wasn't this, it was going to be something else, and I get the sense that you know that too.

Yep, I definitely feel guilty about lying to him.  I also feel bad for him in general because he feels so bad about himself.  His 2nd x-w cheated and left him and now its probably going to be me leaving him. I just feel bad for him, which is probably why I stayed this long.  And I do know if its not this, it will be something else.  It always is.

Here is my thought, maybe you bought your ex the ticket knowing your BPD would go nuts and then you would finally have the strength to leave... .  I know this is the staying board so I won't voice my advice but I wonder if this could be true.

Honestly I don't think that's it. I bought the ticket (he paid me back, I just used my credit card) because I didn't think it was a big deal to do this.  I knew full well in advance that uBPDbf would flip out if he knew but I never really planned on telling him until the guilt of lying (and worry of being found out) hit me. 

Because I've threatened to leave so many times (and stayed), the only thing I know for sure that will make me leave is if he puts his hands on me (again) 

[daylily]

I totally understand your reasons for buying the ticket.  I do the same sorts of things all the time.  I will respect my uBPDh's wishes (even if crazy) if following through with them doesn't affect me or my children, but if it does, I'm likely going to do it my way.  I usually don't share these things with him. I know that "honesty is the best policy" in a relationship, but maybe not in a relationship with a pwBPD!   

I also understand your fear that he was going to find out while you are in another town and attending an important event in your daughter's life.  But by telling him in advance, you were trying to change his behavior (make him rage before the event rather than at the event).  I don't know that we can ever change them.  What's to stop him from raging at your D's graduation even when you told him in advance?  He could rage about this again once he sees your ex, or he could rage about something else.  Perhaps you can make a plan that allows you to enjoy this special day in your daughter's life regardless of what he does or says.  I know it's hard, and I can't say that I'd be able to practice it myself if I were in your position... .   

  :)aylily

[toomanyeggshells]

I also understand your fear that he was going to find out while you are in another town and attending an important event in your daughter's life.  But by telling him in advance, you were trying to change his behavior (make him rage before the event rather than at the event).  I don't know that we can ever change them.  What's to stop him from raging at your D's graduation even when you told him in advance?  He could rage about this again once he sees your ex, or he could rage about something else.  Perhaps you can make a plan that allows you to enjoy this special day in your daughter's life regardless of what he does or says.  I know it's hard, and I can't say that I'd be able to practice it myself if I were in your position

You make some very good points.  Maybe I was hoping to get the rage over with before we were with my family. Like you said, its certainly no guarantee he won't rage about something else (there always seems to be something else).

Anyway, at this point, he says he's not going and I'm looking for an apartment. Who knows what's going to happen?

[hangintherebaby]

Why are you, your X-HUSBAND's travel agent? I don't get it. And, if you got and get along so well, why are you divorced? H-BPD, was initially communicative and forthcoming, he understood that your X would be going, seemed to have no problem with that, yet was forthcoming and communicative with his one simple honest request. Sure, all heck broke lose because you chose, and it wasn't him.

[Kunoichi]

I think some of you are being too harsh. If I had a child with my ex and there were limited flights to get everyone to his graduation then I would have ignored my current BPDh's "simple request" and bought my ex's ticket as well.

It's not about being passive aggressive or an outright b*tch it's about your child. Your child does not deserve to be hurt because someone in your life who is NOT related to them has personal issues with your ex.

When it comes to my child, I'm the type of person that is upfront about what I'm doing and will dare you to tell me I can't. My attitude is that that's MY child NOT yours so back off.

[hangintherebaby]

I speak of experience and have been through the graduation and my X and his wife and I have always gotten and get along. He would never do anything she did not feel comfortable with... .  nor, would I expect him too... .  I am also the new wife and have been through the transitions from that perspective... .  so, I see things from both sides... .  regardless, the ticket was for the X, not the child, the X that is a grown man and can buy his own ticket and hopefully, have enough desire on his own to make sure he is at his daughter's graduation.

[Kunoichi]

All of us here speak from experience but the difference here is that we are the non's (and I'm guessing) you, your ex nor his new wife are BPD.

There is a HUGE difference when dealing with a BPD. It seems just by you breathing is a trigger and the accusations are endless and it really is ALL in their head.

And another thing, he is her bf NOT her H so in reality she has nothing to explain and doesn't owe him an explanation.

I see nothing wrong with what the op did. She has already explained why she bought her ex's ticket. And, she was trying to avoid a conflict but with a BPD there is no way at all to avoid conflict except by just not telling them what you are doing. Her fear was that he would find out during the trip and ruin the whole trip and graduation for her daughter.

To blame the op or accuse her of being passive aggressive and doing it purposely as a tit for tat is no better than what her BPDbf is doing.

You may see it as a betrayal but I see it as survival and I would not have told him before, during or even after the trip. It's none of his business and he has no right to make those demands. This was a situation between her and her ex and she does not need her bf's approval to do anything ESPECIALLY when it's for her child. Period.

[haliewa1]

What puzzles me in this is where is "okay, I forgive you" in all of this?  You told your story and came clean so where is the forgiveness in the world of BPD's?  My exBPDgf was the same way.  I would explain something that she would consider was a half-truth and I would apologize to her but the words that included "forgiveness" would never come out of her mouth.  There must be something about BPD's where they were either shamed because of their actions or they lose control over their r/s if they forgive the other person.  What a miserable way to live in this world!

[daylily]

I'm with you Bellamina and eggshells.  I think would have bought the ticket for my ex (if I had one) too, because I would want him to be there for my daughter, and I wouldn't want to chance that he couldn't or wouldn't get a ticket if he did it on his own.  But that's me, and I tend to take on too much to make sure things are "done" and "done right."  It's almost an obsessive thing with me.  If I don't take care of everything, I'll obsess over whether or not it will get done and how things will fall into place.  Maybe that's where I (and maybe eggshells too) need to focus.  Sometimes the need to micromanage gets me in trouble, and it definitely causes me to have too much on my plate.

Wave has a point about passive aggression, at least in my case.  I can admit that sometimes I do things deliberately that I know will affect my H, almost as an assertion of power ("you can't bully me into doing what you want" but I don't do these things solely for that purpose.  There's some other reason too, like my need to get things done and make a decision on something (despite the fact that H hasn't made a decision yet because he can't seem to make one) or that I'm trying to protect or help someone else.

  :)aylily

[daylily]

Oh, and another thing - if I didn't do everything my H doesn't want me to do, I probably wouldn't do anything at all!         

I guess we have to pick and choose which of their "demands" or "wishes" that we want to follow and which we want to ignore.  For me, that depends on the consequences of following or ignoring (independent of my H's potential reaction).

[Kunoichi]

When the whole subject of all of us flying together first came up 5 months ago, uBPDbf INSISTED that I better not order my x-H's ticket with ours.  He didn't care if he flew with us, but he does not want me having any contact with him at all. 

My x-H and I don't hate each other and get along fine.  I don't socialize with him but if there's something that has to do with our kids, we're fine together. 

UBPDbf is out-of-control jealous and has insisted over the 3 years we've lived together that I should have NO contact with x-H whatsoever, which aggravates me since that's not his call to make.

Here is the whole point of this post. Eggshells BF is making demands on her that are contradictory. First he says he doesn't care if her ex flies with them BUT she is to have NO CONTACT with him. HUH? Second, BF has major jealousy issues over the ex H and demands that Eggshells have NO CONTACT with her X whatsoever. That is NOT his right and it is NONE of his business.

Eggshells has a child/children with her ex, THEY have to do what is best for their child/children REGARDLESS of what the bf wants. There was a possibility that her child's FATHER would not be able to get a flight out if the tickets were not all ordered at the same time so she agreed to buy his ticket at the same time. She obviously had to buy more than one ticket already so why not buy one for her ex too? He repaid her and never asked her to foot the bill for his ticket so I do not see the problem.

She was not micromanaging either because her ex ASKED her to buy his ticket so it would guarantee he would have a flight out to see his daughter graduate. Where is the problem? The problem is with the BPDbf who has NO SAY in this.

[hangintherebaby]

Bellamina, I understand where you are coming from. I really do. It is good that they aren't married. I thought they were, my mistake and thanks for clearing that up. And, that's good you have strong boundaries in that area, as do I. These things also come up, however, whether there is BPD or not, as it has and did in my case. And, hopefully, people can find a balance as we were fortunate to do.

Again, it's so good they aren't married, I am glad to learn of this. But, now I'm wondering why the heck does she stay? LOL! This stuff will drive you crazy if you let it. I am glad I am no longer with my BPD x-boyfriend, we dated 6 months. It's very hard to leave, though, I know.

I am very glad I am not dating someone who has an X and my opinion and thoughts do not matter, just theirs. Very, very glad .

I am not trying to be harsh, I just see things from a different perspective. And, was even wondering is there a level of recycling going on with the X-husband or perhaps some stages left to go in letting go after being married? And, the kid card can always be played, and who can argue with that, because it's for the child or children... .  

I am sorry if I offended... .  Blessings... .  

[Kunoichi]

No offense taken sweetie I just felt maybe you didn't understand the whole dynamic of the situation.

I can't say why anyone would stay with a BPD because I am still married to my BPDh and have been for 18 years. I am currently dealing with some very major issues with him and I am at the point I want to leave but find myself stuck, not just emotionally but financially as well.

I just signed up on the Out of the Fog website and I'm nearly in tears reading all the things that happens to us nons as we get sucked deeper into a BPD's world. I feel so S T U P I D! I am reading these things and thinking to myself "how stupid can a person be NOT to see this stuff?" and now I am angry with myself not only because I allowed it but because I am feeling the FOG- Fear, Obligation and Guilt of wanting out.

I'm a strong person, strong willed and strong of spirit but reading that has made me feel like a weak minded sheep. Ugh!

[hangintherebaby]

Bellamina, I appreciate your sharing of your situation. You are stronger than I am. I don't have the staying power. I admire people who have long term marriages A marriage is a different story, especially, if there are children and/or financial dependency. Bless your heart, I've been there too.

My current situation, which is why I popped back on here is, I have taken care of my mother since, well, since I was little and then when I turned 28, she came to live with me because she could no longer function, keep a job, etc., I am now in my 50's. She has every initial in the book in her personality, ! So, I know I'm messed up... .  but, I am doing what I can live with, regarding the decisions I make on her behalf, should something happen to her, I will be able to put my head on the pillow and know I did the best I could, but, oh so imperfectly, I over react, have what I call brown outs where I just darn near spin around in circles unable to think what to do next because she will have done another left field action after me spelling out, writing out, checking and double checking that she understands. But, I always miss something. She is a master manipulator who sits all day and does nothing, has for years. I so, don't want to turn into that.

My relationship with my mother is where my junk stems from and I am finally facing my part, while at the same time setting boundaries after over 50 years. Boy, am I a slow learner.

And, yes, you are a strong person, I see that... .  wow, I like that FOG-Fear, Obligation and Guilt of wanting out... .  I need to read that.

You are wonderful, thanks for receiving me, the way that I am.

[Kunoichi]

I don't think I am stronger than you just stronger in different ways. All of us who deal with a loved one who has a mental illness are stronger than we realize or else we could not love them the way we do.

I come from an entire family of mentally ill people and other than some codependency issues I am mentally the healthiest of them all But seriously, I can totally understand why you don't maintain relationships. All of the energy that is required to be in a r/s is going into your mother and her issues. You have no energy left for anything or anyone else. I completely understand that because that is exactly how I feel in my r/s with my husband. I am emotionally drained and now it is becoming physical I have to get out but until I can feel okay with it AND be financially okay I am stuck. Ugh!

FOG- Fear, Obligation and Guilt is real and somewhere on this site it is talked about but being a newbie I don't remember where. Look for it, I know it will help you too to understand why we feel and react the way we do. If I made you feel bad earlier please forgive me . Sometimes I am oversensitive but I don't mean to be. I think it's what is referred to as "having fleas"  haha

[jedicloak]

Ok, I admit up front, I didn't read every post in this thread... .  the first 3 were fantastic though! toomanyeggshells didn't do anything wrong! Nothing to feel guilty about. Ex husband paid for his ticket. You didn't. You just paid for it all at once for YOUR convenience, YOUR peace of mind, so YOU could feel confident that your D would have her wants/needs met. Makes perfect sense. D will always come before current bf. That's just the truth.

IF, by some miniscule chance (and we're talking SMALL chance) this came up. Talk to bf about it privately and away from all others. You are NOT responsible for how bf reacts (or doesn't react). That's on him and you don't get to control it.

I agree with pretty much everything everyone else said - it's a boundary issue - and it sounds like you're doing the best you know how to do. Keep it up.

-jedicloak