BPD hermit and misunderstandings/miscommunication

[lhd981]

I was able to get out of town for the weekend and visit some friends up north. I used this time for a lot of personal inventory and reflection; not to mention more reading on BPD and PDs in general.

I had heard of the four different "types" of BPD personas (waif/hermit/witch/queen), but had always stopped reading after waif, as I had just assumed this is what my BPD ex fit into, even though some behaviors never meshed well with the description and others' experiences. My erroneous assumption was partly caused by my seeing my mother as a figure who often needed saving from my tyrannical father; she would often take on a martyr type role in the midst of adversity - something very confusing and painful for a child to experience. As such, I've always romanticized waifs, and I've certainly been involved with a handful. But my recent ex was different.

For starters, the hermit values isolation more - something which my ex often brought up; how she prefers to be alone and "wasn't used to having [a boyfriend] around [as much as I was]" - funny, as I live an hour away. But the crux of the crazy-making in our relationship was our perpetual misunderstandings and miscommunications. They started off during our first few weeks of dating when she got sick before our "date weekend" and we agreed to play it by ear. After not having heard from her all day, I finally get a series of nasty text messages from her about how I "didn't want to see her" (nothing was further from the truth - I was completely smitten with her and every one of my actions and words showed this quite clearly). It continued a month later when we still hadn't had sex yet. We were at a bar with her (male) friend and I jokingly made a pass at him (as it was in line with the conversation we were having) - she immediately went cold and distant. When we got into the car afterwards she accused me of being gay and asking if this was why "I hadn't touched her". MIND YOU, towards the beginning of the relationship, she mentioned going back on the pill and how we can "have wild sex" once she's back on it. She never actually told me when she went back on it, like I was supposed to know or - as I suspect - just be a mind reader and take fully initiative (I don't believe in pressuring for sex and I didn't want to jump into anything until she said it was ok). Then there were all the times when she'd be exhausted from her full time job and her night time and weekend grad school classes and we'd have tentatively made plans for me to come up to see her, but, knowing how isolated she'd make herself when she was stressed, I'd offer to stay home and let her have personal time. She'd go absolutely livid and began attacking me, accusing me of not wanting to see her. Yet if I tried to be more forceful, saying I really wanted to see her, she'd accuse me of not respecting her boundaries, being too pushy or "prying" and a bunch of other stuff which didn't add up. In essence: I couldn't win. There were also a few email/text exchanges where she seemed completely oblivious of my intent; she'd accuse me of being selfish or "prying" or "condescending". It was beyond bizarre. I began to believe that I had no communication skills.

Until reading about the BPD hermit, that is. One of the core components is that they view the world as a scary and bad place, where everyone's out to screw you; so they look for hidden meanings and intentions that don't exist in words and actions. Combine this with a waif-esque back story, it's a deadly combination.

It's funny as I had, for the longest time, assumed she had mild aspergers/autism because of her seeming inability to pick up on my intent, blatant hints, and piece together what I was trying to build up; a lot of times felt like groundhog day with her. Where we'd come to a romantic/intimate breakthrough as a couple, only to be knocked down a few days later with ridiculous accusations of me not caring about her.

With that all said, I've also realized that while classifying behaviors and such can be helpful, it doesn't mean that every strange/negative such behavior that I encounter in my life will readily be classifiable. The goal is to build up my own confidence and self esteem to essentially "call a spade a spade" and not tiptoe around a blatant issue, much less make excuses for another's behavior.

[GreenMango]

I struggled with the communication and mixed/impulsive messages too.  It's hard to make sense of.

How you doing now?  How's your support system?

[lhd981]

Yes, it's incredibly hard to make sense of. I felt guilty and responsible for it during our relationship and continued to do so after the breakup some 11 months ago. It's only until recently, and through reading forums such as this one, that I've began to realize that mixed/impulsive messages seem to be the norm with these people and relationships.

I'm doing better, but still taking it one day at a time. Being of the extreme analytical persuasion, I've tried documenting and making sense of as many of these little misunderstandings as I could, but it eventually proved futile. All that I could garner from my breaking them down was that she had severe abandonment issues, but also issues with being (non-sexually) intimate; not to mention the constant wall around her.

My support system consists of the people closest to me, along with the few that were there when I was in the relationship. Just recently, I was reminded by my closest friend about how I confided in him when I got into the relationship "Yeah, I really like <my ex>, but something is... .  off... .  about her. I'm not the king of subtlety, so I'm basically acting head over heels for her, but she's not quite picking up on it. Not to mention some of the things I say. Like she doesn't understand or misunderstands intent." He pointed out that this was a big red flag for him. Incidentally, he was the same friend who drove me to pick up my car and belongings at 4 in the morning, an hour away, after the breakup. I'm fortunate to have such friends.

[GreenMango]

There are friends then there are 4am friends.  Hold tight to those ones.

Hindsight offers that clarity to see things we didn't see before.  I had those moments too.  Easier to see them now-not so easy when I was invested.

Lesson learned on what to look for as far as character and personality issues that may cause some serious fundamental problems though.  Hard lesson.

[lhd981]

Yes, my 4am friend is a keeper. He's been my closest friend for half my life now, and has often been there when it counts. I remember being hysterical on the drive up at 4am and him just telling me "<lhd>, believe me, the signs were there... .  it's not you... .  she's NOT healthy".

Yes, this was a very hard lesson to learn, and I want to do everything possible to ensure that I learn form it. Now that the personal inventory board is open to me, I plan on making full use of it to further examine why I was so cavalier in ignoring the many, many blatant red flags she threw up.

With that said, I have no grudge in my heart towards her. I just want to learn from this experience; while I sincerely hope that one day she seeks out the help she needs.