Crunch, crunch, crunch

[Hatbum]

It has been both the happiest and most miserable 2 years of my life.
When things are good and I can see that person I fell in love with, things are as close to perfect as I can imagine them being. Seeing her excited and happy about things makes my heart sing.

I am poorly equipped to cope with the destructive episodes however and they have come thick and fast. I often struggle to see or remember the girl I fell in love with and I'm ashamed to admit that my default responses are incredulity, anger and so on. I'm an engineer and an intensely logical person and my best efforts to avoid egg-shells seem to result only in me clumsily mashing them into a fine powder.

We split up shortly after buying a house together a year ago, and then 6 months later I started moving back in to give it another go. How could it possibly go so wrong again? Well it has. The closer I got to finishing the DIY, making it our home, moving my stuff in and getting settled, the worse things got. After many bad times this week has been one of crisis, with me pretty much ceasing to function, calling in sick to work and mostly sleeping and crying. A counselor recommended Stop Walking On Egg-shells and having read it I now realise that our relationship has progressed by attrition through a series of manipulations, and I have unwittingly played along and reinforced the patterns the whole time.

The first 10 minutes reading it were a mixture of joy and relief that this was something other people dealt with and I could relate so readily to the anecdotes, both laughing and howling with tears.
The next 12 hours were mostly realising how low I'd sunk, how far I'd drifted from any sense of self, and feeling resentful and angry and that it was time I walked away.

But I find I can't. The thought of giving up the few good times we have very nearly kills me. And I think that if I did walk away at this stage then that in itself would do me a lot of long-term damage. At nearly 38 I've always struggled to form normal, stable relationships and have spent most of my life single. I undoubtedly have many mental issues myself.

It has been complicated by her having a 4 year old son. I've never been great with kids but he is really a very sweet kid and he likes me a lot. He has some kind of global delay - we're not sure why - which can complicate things and make "normal" life harder. He's just started calling me daddy (his biological father is an absent waste of space) - albeit not to my face - and made a comment about family when we were all cuddles up on the sofa the other day. So much of my head says leave - him witnessing the destructive cycles will teach him the same, just as my partner learned from her mother. And the longer I stay and the more attached to me he becomes, the more damage will be done if I am not able to cope and have to leave.
If it wasn't for him I'd probably be much more ready to keep trying, but would equally feel less guilty about leaving.
I have known for most of this week that I am in no fit state to make such decisions about my future, let alone theirs.

The last 4 hours have been hugely more positive. I have realised that if I can learn to rise above the destructive behaviours and look after my own needs then I can get everything I want - my life and happiness, my personal pleasures and values, my beautiful & loving partner, a family life and a good career.
And most importantly - she doesn't have to get any better for me to get those things!
And by getting back in touch with myself and being able to detach with love, I will be much more able to be objective about the relationship, about my partner's needs and the child's needs and decide whether it is sensible to continue.

I'm hopeful and feeling empowered, but I'm scared and feeling pretty beaten up. Most of all I'm exhausted.

Right now I'd be interested to hear what you wiser people think I should do over the next couple of days. I think I should take tomorrow off work too (they're pretty understanding) and I can either spend some time with the book, trying to reinforce the lessons, remember the techniques and find out more about myself. Or I can go and finish off wiring up the lighting in the garage (my man cave) and stop worrying that there's no point because she'll tell me it's all over again soon anyway. Or perhaps both. Or something else. Or just sleep.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common.  First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we found out about BPD - and it explained so much. Then, we experience that rush of emotions that ranges from relief to hope to anger to fear. Things typically settle after a time though.

Like you, I'm a logical person. In fact, many of us here are. We stand in awe at what we've witnessed with our BPD partner and wonder why all of our logic isn't helping us or our situations. It is really understandable when we start to accept that logic is not at play here. We cannot combat the intense emotions that a pwBPD feels with pure logic because feelings = facts to them.

The good news is that there are other ways to deal with the situation. We can learn to define and maintain boundaries, and listen and communicate better. These tools not only benefit us in our romantic relationships, but in all of our relationships. It's a win-win!

I suggest you read the boards and the articles.  You will get a wealth of information, advice and support. In the sidebar to the right of this page are some great links to help get you started. Writing and posting to others is usually therapeutic for the members here. Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. The more you know, the easier any decision you make will be.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hello from another engineer who was in a r/s where my logical solutions didn't seem to make anything better! 

I just wanted to suggest that you allow yourself some time settling in with this knowledge. You don't have to DO anything immediately, although I'm pretty sure you will want to make some changes!

This realization is going to send you on quite the emotional roller coaster, and I'm going to guess that you being a logical, even keel kind of person probably aren't used to that. You will survive that.

I'm going to also tell you that you will be able to find new tools and new techniques and you will be able to make things a great deal better. Many members have been able to end or avoid all the verbal/emotional abuse (and even physical abuse where it had progressed to that point.) This is important--You CAN do this, whether your partner wants cooperates or not. You have this power, all you have to do is find it and use it. And this community can help you get there.

I can't say how the r/s will work out, just that the abuse can be removed, and you can stop walking on eggshells.

Hang in there!

Is there a specific thing she does that you want help addressing first?

[Hatbum]

The biggest thing I need help with right now is deciding whether to stay or to go.

I feel like I've finally found out how to start, but it's all too late, and there's too much damage been done, at least for the current situation. I've ended up having counselling and it's quickly become apparent that I'm codependent. The counsellor is adamant that I should walk away because I'm the kind of person least able to be detached. After all the rows and damage my head's so mixed up now that a lot of the time I don't even feel like I love her or even like her any more. I know I've taken an emotional battering so maybe that's why I feel that way, or maybe I just don't like who she often is anymore? Or maybe my self-worth is so low that it's just loneliness and codependency keeping me here? I keep on telling myself it's over, that I'll leave but I just don't seem able to.

I've tried to start implementing the changes recommended but obviously I'm not very good at it yet and it's just making her feel rejected. She threw me out last week at 4am in the cold and wet, and on Thursday this week told me not to come home so I had to crash on a colleague's sofa. I can't ignore her when she tels me to leave because being a mother with a child if she calls the police they will just politely but firmly tell me to leave. This means I'm starting from an extremely weak position.

Her parents live close by (but are entirely unsupportive of her problems [her mum's as bad]) and I've wondered if they might let me have a key so when she does this I can have a safe place to go. But they're looking to downsize in the very near future so this wouldn't be an option for long.

I still have a flat - that I am currently not in a position to sell - so I can move back there. Clearly that would put me in much better control but as I say - every time I try I just break down.

I'm just paralised by emotion.

[Hatbum]

The more I read on the boards the more I feel it's just too far gone.
The advice for what do to if the BP keeps starting arguments at night is to tell them you're not going to argue now, or go to another room.
I tried those over a year ago and all that happens is that she follows me, yells at me, throws things at me and occasionally hits me. And then usually once I'm asleep comes in, wakes me up and tells me I've got to leave.

I just feel like at the stage the advice on this forum isn't going to touch the sides. I have no way of coping with this stuff other than to leave and get away.

[Grey Kitty]

Hatbum, I agree 100% that leaving is the right solution at those times.

If she is following you around the house, leave the house.

If she gets in her car and follows you, drive to a police station.

There is one question you need to resolve for yourself--is the right thing to do leave for an hour, an evening, overnight, or to end the relationship permanently.

As you might need or choose to leave for the night rather late and on short notice, if you have colleagues or friends whose couches you might be able to crash upon, give them a heads up that you may be calling them late some night.

If you aren't quite ready to decide to leave forever, at least leave to protect yourself from the verbal abuse which rapidly becomes physical abuse.

That is the best thing you can do for yourself, and utlimately is good for your wife as well.