I thought she was better

[trytrytry]

I haven't written for some time now, because my DD27 has been doing OK- Not great, but OK.  She's living in SF with a 40 yr old man and his 6 year old daughter for about one year, and has been working for about 5 months and finally qualified for health insurance, so she got back on some anti depressants and birth control (both of which she takes sporatically).  My history with her has been that I rescue her when her life falls apart, and she comes and lives w/ me until she can find a man to take her in.  She is not nasty to me in ways I have read about with other children w/ this disability, but she lacks any kind of ability to organize, or think ahead and pushes people away w/ her neediness.  She also uses drugs and alcohol.  Her bio father is in another city and has rarely gotten involved with her.  We divorced when she was 12. 

I recieved a phone call from my other daughter 24, who let me know that DD27 has gone balistinc this AM.  Apparently they tried to get ahold of me this AM, but I had already gone to work.  Guess bio dad was called as well, and apparently bf is with her now.

Likely that she'll loose her job, bf and place to live.  I'm trying very hard not to repeat my past and come to the rescue.  She needs to A) understand that she can find others to help her and B) Find her own bottom .

I'm thinking if it comes to it that I'll let her back w/ me if she commits to some sort of help:  Therapy, AA, something!

Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lauradbl]

I am in a similar situation and refuse to let her back in my life until

she gets some sort of therapy. My daughter gets very nasty when she is questioned about anything and really needs direction but I refuse to keep

enabling. To me it seems like a viscious cycle if you keep rescuing them. That has been me for 7 years and refuse to be in touch with her until

she decides that we both go to therapy together. I know this sounds like I don't care but the way she has treated me has really done a toll on my health due to stress. You must remember to take care of yourself and you do have other family members who must get involved too whether they choose to or not. Not sure if I helped you.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi trytrytry,

I think if you decide either way (take her in or not), it is ok.

My thought on that would be - if this has happened several times before and she has no idea that she cannot expect you to do the same again, she will likely be A) surprised and frightened B) a bit (or a lot) dysregulated as a result.

So, I'd be prepared for that, prepared to either offer validating support and let her solve her own problems, or be prepared to offer help but having that talk with her up-front about what you are willing to do for her and what your expectations are this time... .

[qcarolr]

It is reasonable to require participation in treatment for our adult kids to live with us. It is extremely hard to change our old patterns and stick to a new boundary like this one. My DD27 rebels - she is one to rage and threaten. I have been in that cycling with her for many years also.

I am working with a T that has helped me to value myself. Figure out what is important to me, and what boundaries can help me maintain and protect these values. The consequence is for DD27 to no longer be able to be in my home or in my car. I took a meduim chill attitude with her in our contacts. She refuses any kind of treatment as she truly believes she has not problems and I am the weird and crazy one that needs fixed.

This past week we have been able to have closer contact. She seems to be accepting that she cannot be in our home. My guess is I have changed how I am able to talk to her and be with her. And maybe she is not taking a stimulant med. she talked her provider into prescribing. She ran out and I am not helping her get it refilled any longer. I have been able to be more sincerely validating with her distressed text messages - answering in a few words based on validating phrases. And I have been providing a little more financial support with groceries -- NO CASH. She seems to have stopped asking for cash -- acceptance of this boudnary?

Have you read any of the workshops here on values based boundaries and validation?

Boundaries - Living our boundaries   https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries ;all#lastPost

Boundaries - Examples of boundaries https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

qcr  

[peaceandhope]

She refuses any kind of treatment as she truly believes she has not problems and I am the weird and crazy one that needs fixed

Qca, this is exactly what my dd tells everyone. That Iam crazy and messed up.

[peaceandhope]

My daughter gets very nasty when she is questioned about anything

Laura, my dd is the same way. As long as I dont question her and let her do whatever she wants, she is fine. The  moment I question herthen the sarcasm and the rage starts.

[trytrytry]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.  So comforting to know I'm not alone in this battle.  I spoke to her last night -responding to her morning voice mail.  She sounded very tired, but said she was OK.  I did not push her for details (way past wanting to know).  Guess all is as it was, for the time being.  So sad that she does not seem to learn from her experiences.

Think it's high time I get back to Alanon and order some of the books recommended by you fine folk.