Help talking with kids.

[Mcgddss]

My uBPDh came back from the holiday weekend.  It was just me and my D8 for 4 peaceful days.

We needed to sign our daughter up for Spanish class for next year.  He said he didn't want to spend the money (even though we have it).  He felt it wasn't worthwhile (though it is a highly respected program).  I replied calmly that it was important and our daughter wanted to continue with the class.  He tried to get into my "recklessness" with money. (which I am not).  He is disabled due to other illnesses and I am the only one working.  He keeps thinking that I am hiding something from him financially - which from reading other posts makes me wonder if he is hiding something.

I went to pick D8 up from the class and dropped off her slip for next year.  I told her I signed her up - which made her happy.  I then asked her what she thought her father was - she answered angry.  When we got home he made a point of telling her that he didn't think it was a wise way to spend our money and that he disagreed with what I had done.

Later when we were alone, my D8 began talking about how she wished we didn't have a grumpy dad.  I told her that the doctors are going to try and fix that.  She said it won't work because Daddy won't do what the doctors say (he doesn't do things for his other illnesses.) 

Would love to hear how others handle situations like this.

This is the only place that I can openly talk about the situation and I am grateful for that.

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[qcarolr]

Mcgddss - you seem to be on the right track with understanding her feelings and asking questions. My gd7 will soon be 8 and I am noticing her being able to talk with me more and more about her feelings and thoughts. Kids are perceptive - they do know what they experience in the family. And sometimes there is not an answer.

How do we teach our young kids about acceptance - that some things are how they are and only the other person can find a way to change them. I try to find ways to keep the communicatin open with gd7 about BPDDD27. We are trying to keep a healthy and safe r/s with her even though she is not allowed in our home right now. Even though gd7 agrees with her mom being out of the house, she still needs this connection to her. She still needs to know her mom loves her even when DD cannot share this.

Your support of your d8 by signing her up for the class is also very loving and supportive for her. I am glad she is able to talk about her grumpy dad. Are there good times between your dh and d8? Can you show ask her about his changing moods and how this makes her feel?

qcr

[Blazing Star]

It sounds like you are doing really well!

My Ds are young, 4 and 9months, so we aren't having those conversations yet, whenever D4 does say something about Daddy I try to keep it focused on the validating. Two books that are really helping me is "The Power of Validation" and  I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg.

In my head if/when my daughter comes to me and says something like that I would say

"I'm hearing that you wish Dad wasn't grumpy. It can be hard having a grumpy Dad can't it"

"Yes and he doesn't do anything to help himself" (her)

"It sounds like you are feeling frustrated that he doesn't help himself get better"

"It is frustrating, if he did then he might not be grumpy anymore" (her)

"And if he wasn't grumpy anymore then things would be different in our house - I know it's hard honey" hug.

The "I don't have to make everything all better" book is helping me to just validate and not jump in and rescue. It's good in that it says stay in the moment and Validate what is going on there. Then if you want to revisit it the next day with your 'solutions to their problem', you can do so gently.

So after validating, I might the next day say "Hey honey, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday about Daddy, and it helps me to have hope when I think of how qualified the Drs are that Daddy is seeing" or whatever else I wanted to add at the time to make her 'all better'.

For me the rescue tendency is strong, and very hard to resist, especially for my Ds, of course I want to band aid them emotionally, I am scared that talking about it more will be more painful. But I am realising the power of just being heard, and I am trying to give my daughters that.

It's so great that your D has you to talk with, and to be a stable and peaceful presence for her!

Love Blazing Star

[Mcgddss]

Thanks so much ladies!

I feel so alone because H has totally isolated me and it is hard to talk about these things with anyone else. 

One of the most hurtful things H does is to rage on me and then go and be overly nice to D8 and S5.

D8 now sees through it.  I am unsure of when she might say anything to him.  We have just started to talk about her removing herself from the situation when she is uncomfortable.  S5 already does this naturally - my one happy moment in the middle of a rage.

D8 continued her conversation last night by saying the one small tiny good thing is that she is learning how to deal with people like this in the future, though she hopes she doesn't have to.

So my kids are truly a blessing and I always remind myself that he is their father so he has a hand in it too.

Thanks again!

[Jeansok]

W.O.W.! My H does the EXACT same thing. I say this on every post, but I am a newbie here too and I'm just flabbergasted at what I see is exactly what I deal with. I didn't know what I was dealing with until recently when I was doing research myself. Last fall I thought he was bipolar. This though BPD is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with. My H recently went to a counselor who dismissed him with the "type of personality he is". Well, we all know what charmers our BPD's our. We are starting to see a psychologist next week who specialized in this sort of thing so we will see.

I too have the exact same issue with my H and the children. My 7 year old asks me what's wrong with "P"... . she's my daughter from a previous marriage. My H and I have a one year old boy. My daughter is smart, and when I read what your H does by being raging on you and "overly" nice to them... . I experience that all the time.

We will have been married 2 years in October and I did not know he was this way until after we got married. Though now I see all the red flags during the time we were dating.

[whatisthetruth]

my ex? BPDgf has 2 kids - boy/girl.  i have never said ANYTHING about mommies' rages - tho the girl catches on when mommy rages ... .

i have intervened with kids, dismiss her from the room to protect the kids - but this has landed me bearing the brunt of her assaults. and i am ok with that  - thinking im a 42 yo guy - i can handle her isht better than a 5 yr old

but the kids just see her taking her crap out on me.  i end up sucking it up until the kids go to bed then i'd try to talk about "when you hit_, i feel hit_"

she wants noo part of the idea she has done anything wrong

anyway -  i digress - what do i say to the kids when she rages?

i keep them as safe as i can; they cling to me bc im solid, calm, and love them - but her rages are intensely alarming for me ... . let alone a 5 yr old

the girl will say " it's not my brother who is the problem, its her" meaning the mother.  the last time - i just looked at her and said "i know baby. and its good you see that."

the daughter says: " so why dont you stop her?" 

and i said "i do, but some angry people get worse when you confront them. so i have to be careful about how i get involved to not make it worse."

:'(

i have absolutely gotten involved.  i usually do something to ipss her off to redirect her energy... . but it definitely gets worse if i "show her up" as the stable parent.  then she buys her kids affections post trauma.

i cannot imagine what this is doing to them.  or how they will turn out.