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Murbay
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« on: June 05, 2013, 07:04:39 PM » |
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After breaking down today at my exBPDw's latest mind game, I took another step back at what I appear to be missing in myself.
I looked at the wreck I have become and who I was before the relationship. Through my T, we have examined my childhood traumas and although there was nothing that could be done about them at the time, they were things I later addressed in my late teens and had closure on many things. My relationship with my mother isn't as close as many people but she wasn't at fault for the way things happened and we have always been comfortable with our relationship. My father left when I was 7, he was an abusive narcissist so not only did my mother have to try and heal from that, but she also had to support me and my sister. As a result, I was thrown into a caretaker role from a young age. I don't hold any resentment towards that because it was circumstance and although I did as a child, it isn't something I carried into adulthood.
Despite that and despite the fact that I spent my teen years finding closure to things I carried, I still follow a path where I end up getting hurt. The biggest thing my T has noticed is that I carry the guilt of the world on my shoulders and take responsibility for things that I have no reason to.
After the latest offering today from my ex, I worked with those feelings and discovered why. It has also helped me to realise the mistakes I make in relationships too and all I have to do now is figure out how to stop it from happening in the future.
I'm perfectly capable in myself of setting healthy boundaries and I'm quite an independent person at heart. Where I fall down though is perhaps trusting people too much at times. I allow them to walk through my boundaries like it's a free pass at a theme park. That in itself isn't too bad, because some of my closest friends it has never been an issue. They are good people and although I have dropped my boundaries to help my close friends in the past, they are mindful and aware.
Where I have the issue is that I sometimes trust the wrong person and allow them to do the same thing. Only once they have crossed that boundary line, the abuse then starts. Once this happens, I try and assert my boundaries again and get led down the path of taking on the guilt of doing so. I can understand now how it must come across to those people too. One minute, I'm laid back and easy going, the next minute I'm asking someone to respect my boundaries, they apologise and I allow them to repeat the cycle. I realise that by doing that, I'm also being very unfair to them.
It's not setting boundaries that I have the issue with, it's being firm with them and not allowing myself to feel the guilt for doing so.
I took a step forward with that tonight as I decided to go away for a couple of days next month and a friend has asked to come along. Although I have my reasons for going, company would be nice so I accepted. Sent my friend a rough cost for the trip and the response back was that they were a bit tied up in terms of finances right now. In the past, I would have offered to pay for the trip and they give me the money back when it's convenient for them. As is usually the case with some friends, no time is convenient and I end up struggling at some point. Asking for the money back when I know they are in a difficult position is where I would take on the guilt and instead allow myself to go without. However, my response tonight was they could let me know dates which are convenient for them if it's not too far in the future and we could work around that, or the other option would be that they come the next time.
The reply I got after that was that there was some family function around those dates they weren't interested in and that tomorrow they will check how far ahead the planning is on that because they could pull out of that and use that money to pay for the trip.
Just doing that tonight was strange because I didn't give in, I didn't carry any guilt for their financial situation because it's not like I told them they had to come. I gave them options that could benefit them and still stuck to my own goal.
It's a small step but it's one of many in the right direction.
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