Forced to see my ex regularly

[Sharkey167]

I have to see my ex at least twice a week (not that we talk but I have to physically see her). I'm realizing that this may be a major contributor to my having a hard time. Have any of you had to deal with having to see your ex's on a regular basis? Does it get easier? Should I work to change my circumstances so that I do not have to?

[Clearmind]

Yes! I never went NC.

Sharkey part of the detaching process is not so much about having to see them its about processing the emotions that come up when you do.

It really didn't take long to not care. I cared in less time than those that went NC. NC only masks the pain it doesn't help us process it.

Depersonalize the meeting by not making eye contact.

I am not an advocate of strict NC - process your emotions - this is healthy.

[Bananas]

Hi Sharkey,

I have to work with my ex.  The thought of running in to him gives me a lot of anxiety.  I am not the type of person to ignore anyone.  It has been 2.5 months and it is not getting any easier for me.  I am trying not to care. 

I am not sure how to process my emotions.  They are still all over the place.  But find I do feel stronger when I don't have to see him.  When I do it is like we are strangers.  This is so hurtful because (I thought) we had such a solid friendship even before we dated.  He seems so unaffected, he has no problem cutting me out of his life.       

Right now I have tried to rearrange a few things not to run into him, I park in a different spot, go to a different bathroom, take my lunch and breaks at different times and changed my work hours, all of that helps me. 

I sure hope it gets easier. 

[Regular_Joe]

I think anyone who has children with their exBPD (like me) are among the minority who simply don't have the luxury of NC. (Additionally, she and I both work at the same place - although thankfully we rarely cross paths.)

Although it's just speculation, I believe that not having the option of NC has probably drawn out the recovery process for me. I'd like to think that recovery would have taken a lot less time, but that could be wishful thinking on my part. Who knows? Doesn't really matter now.

As part of my recovery, I've tried very hard to keep myself as grounded in reality as possible. The reality is that I HAVE to have limited contact with my exBPD (for now). Do you?

If not, then I heartily recommend NC.

If so, then look on the (b)right side and realize that even limited contact is MUCH more preferable than the "funhouse of mirrors" that characterizes being in an intimate relationship with your exBPD.

[apple]

Depersonalize the meeting by not making eye contact.

I do this every time I pick my children up and have for a long time.

[Buzz77]

Sympathize... . was in a grad program w/ my ex; plus, we shared the same social circle.  I tried NC and LC and yet kept on being manipulated and buttons pushed (she knows my vulnerabilities and weaknesses throughout)... .   To the very last day, she was a presence... . cursing me out while simultaneously crying just two days ago.

Indeed, I recommend as much NC as possible as well as socializing w/ others who are not associated w/ ex or who know better than to bring her up... .  

[Katsky]

After a two-year gap, living in different countries, I now work with my uBPDexgf.

Four weeks ago, she tried to recycle me, by stalking, on two consecutive days.

So, by email, I asked her to stop.

Instead of stopping, she wrote a furious and abusive letter, and then contacted the police, and I got warned by them!

A few days ago, I saw old friend I hadn't seen much for about ten years and showed him the countless emails and texts over the last four years, documenting her endless demands, craziness, suicide threats, manipulation, splitting, threats, etc. He eventually said, "she's a manipulative psychopath".

As the saying goes, Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious illness.

[caughtnreleased]

Yes! I never went NC.

Sharkey part of the detaching process is not so much about having to see them its about processing the emotions that come up when you do.

It really didn't take long to not care. I cared in less time than those that went NC. NC only masks the pain it doesn't help us process it.

Depersonalize the meeting by not making eye contact.

I am not an advocate of strict NC - process your emotions - this is healthy.

Clearmind, how did you do that? I actually dread running into my ex, who when we were seeing eachother essentially moved 10 minutes away (walking) from me. I avoid places where I suspect he might be hanging out with his new catch.  I don't want to change my life around because of him, nor do I want to live in fear of running into him.   I haven't seen him since I went NC 2 months ago. But I do dread the moment I do run into him. I don't know what I,ll do. It's probably a bigger deal in my mind than it will be in reality.  I don't want this to bother me anymore.

[Clearmind]

I dreaded it for about 3 months - would see him weekly - same interest, same place.

It took 3 months of processing these moments of anxiety to really see it for what it was. I wasn't masking the pain, I didn't avoid him to escape my pain - I processed it each time - dug deep to see why it hurt.

Our hurt is not about them - its about what we have endured before meeting them. NC only avoids the person it does not avoid the pain.

I have seen it so many times how NC fails - folks like you unhooking who dread bumping into them. Its important to face your fears, face your ex if it happens and not hide. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Live life, live it strong and live it for you.

[caughtnreleased]

It's true. Thanks clearmind. I really don't know how he might act but I suspect he might not even talk to me.  I guess I'm just afraid of feeling humiliated. What I had with him, regardless of what it was, meant something to me, and I'm afraid that he might act as though I am nothing.  I'm not sure of it, but it's what I dread, and seems to be how many BPDers act in these situations. Maybe he could do the opposite, but I'm not sure that would be better... . either way, they don't seem to be able to act like mature adults.  You can't really when there was no proper closure.

[Bananas]

I guess I'm just afraid of feeling humiliated. What I had with him, regardless of what it was, meant something to me, and I'm afraid that he might act as though I am nothing. 

Yep.  For the past month or so, when I run into my ex at work he pretends not to see me and starts playing with his phone.  So I pretend not to see him as well.  It's stupid, when there are only two of us in the hall.  Before that he was giving me dirty looks and before that, he was trying to act like nothing happened and we were great friends.  All of it feels crappy.   I don't like ignoring him but at the same time I don't like smiling and saying hello, it all feels so fake.  I realize my anxiety comes from me not knowing how to act around him, not being able to relax and be myself around him, because I still care.  I can't wait to get to the point where I don't care and none of the above bother me.

[Clearmind]

It's true. Thanks clearmind. I really don't know how he might act but I suspect he might not even talk to me.  I guess I'm just afraid of feeling humiliated. What I had with him, regardless of what it was, meant something to me, and I'm afraid that he might act as though I am nothing.  I'm not sure of it, but it's what I dread, and seems to be how many BPDers act in these situations. Maybe he could do the opposite, but I'm not sure that would be better... . either way, they don't seem to be able to act like mature adults.  You can't really when there was no proper closure.

Yep I hear ya!

Unhooking, unhook this humilation and shame you feel - begin to really look at where this comes from. Its nothing to do with your ex.

How he will act really is a lottery - BPD is unpredictable - process your fear and process the reasons for your humilation ... . this is your closure. This relationship came to teach you something - something about you.

Your worth has hit an all time low.

[Clearmind]

I have to see my ex at least twice a week (not that we talk but I have to physically see her). I'm realizing that this may be a major contributor to my having a hard time. Have any of you had to deal with having to see your ex's on a regular basis? Does it get easier? Should I work to change my circumstances so that I do not have to?

How are you going Sharkey?

[jonnyz]

Hi Sharkey,

I have to work with my ex.  The thought of running in to him gives me a lot of anxiety.  I am not the type of person to ignore anyone.  It has been 2.5 months and it is not getting any easier for me.  I am trying not to care. 

I am not sure how to process my emotions.  They are still all over the place.  But find I do feel stronger when I don't have to see him.  When I do it is like we are strangers.  This is so hurtful because (I thought) we had such a solid friendship even before we dated.  He seems so unaffected, he has no problem cutting me out of his life.       

Right now I have tried to rearrange a few things not to run into him, I park in a different spot, go to a different bathroom, take my lunch and breaks at different times and changed my work hours, all of that helps me. 

I sure hope it gets easier. 

   I use the "strangers thing"   Cause really my ex BPD act like she does not know me even though We have known each other more than 25 years.   Since we broke up (her doing)  We really are strangers. Some how this realization help me to deal with the pain.  It was not easy, but when I see her now. I just pretend that I really don't know her. Cause really I don't. I use to know who she was 20's years ago and I though I knew her last year when she came  back to me ,but now she has BPD and pstd. I really don't know her.  I hope this helps.

[Sharkey167]

I have to see my ex at least twice a week (not that we talk but I have to physically see her). I'm realizing that this may be a major contributor to my having a hard time. Have any of you had to deal with having to see your ex's on a regular basis? Does it get easier? Should I work to change my circumstances so that I do not have to?

How are you going Sharkey?

Well I've started therapy this week so hopefully I can start resolving some things within me including the anxiety that comes with having to see her. Thank you so much for asking. This board is a life saver. Otherwise I would feel completely insane in the membrane.

[Clearmind]

That is great news. Look forward to hearing how you are going with the therapist. My own T was a lifesaver - as was this board.

Anxiety is natural - in time it will no longer impact on you - you will move through all the stages of grief - we all do - its an important journey and not one we can circumvent.

All the best in your therapy session.