Reasons they ignore us?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Do any of you on here think that perhaps a

Major driving force of being painted black is because we see them for who they truly are? Or at least have a major glimpse of what's really behind the mask? Is that maybe a big reason  why they avoid us? Because we know the truth? Just curious.

[Deleted]

Do any of you on here think that perhaps a

Major driving force of being painted black is because we see them for who they truly are? Or at least have a major glimpse of what's really behind the mask? Is that maybe a big reason  why they avoid us? Because we know the truth? Just curious.

[GettingStronger80]

First post here, but have a lot of experience with emotionally unstable women. 

To answer your question I think it totally depends on the situation.

BPD is a disorder of intimacy at its root.  So it makes sense that when we get to close, they push us away because they DON'T WANT US to see their REAL SELF.

And while many of them would never admit something is seriously wrong with them, to a level where they need professional help; its my belief that deep down many of them know they have major issues, but its always easier to blame others for their problems than tackle their issues head on.

Understanding the clinical aspect of the disorder for me has helped me tremendously. 

You wouldn't be surprised when a wild animal mauls you when you get too close right?

Well you shouldn't be surprised when a BPD runs away from you... . that's simply what they do.

*For the record I'm speaking of BPD's who are not in treatment & continue to live life like nothing is wrong with them.

Much respect to those who are open, honest and in therapy.

[Clearmind]

BPD is a shame based disorder - driving force is shame for who they see themselves to be - nothing to do with you accept to say you are a trigger for that shame.

[Deleted]

Very interesting, what do you two think about BPDs who know they need help my exBPD knew she wasn't OK but never sought to seek help but rather put the blame on past therapists on the failure of her treatment she usually stopped going after one or two sessions and just gave up all around.

[Deleted]

Btw the reason my exBPD went to therapy was because the parents "forced" her but never really cared or followed up on as to why it didn't work out.

[Clearmind]

Complete avoidance deleted. Imagine hurting as much as your ex does and then be faced with the shame of getting help and having to process her past. No fun!

A Borderline cannot be forced into therapy. Recovery takes years and if they don't be proactive and take themselves they will never stick to it. They have to own their own recovery just as we have to own ours.

[bpdspell]

Deleted,

One of the major reasons why success from therapeutic treatment is so low for BPD's because most people with this disorder lack insight and inner awareness. Without this inner compass their least likely to take responsibility or accountability for their actions.

Knowing that something is wrong and being motivated to do something about it are two different universes. If they commit to therapy because they're being forced to by loved ones it will almost guarantee failure because it's not based in their own inner desire for true healing... . instead it's based on other people's expectations.

And yes. When we come close we see the real them and it triggers their intense shame. It's not ignoring us as much as it's shutting down those triggering feelings by any means necessary.

I wish it were just ignoring but BPD is a serious mental disorder and they live with a lot of suffering inside.

[Deleted]

It's truly heart breaking and scary. I recall on numerous occasions the panic attacks in which I stared into a face with such cold empty eyes filled with such pain and anger I could never understand with every inch of rationale and logic as To why they wouldn't want to seek help? Why live that way a moment longer? Truly a serious illness.

[VeryFree]

Mine has (had?) professional help, she attended one a month.

Although she was diagnosed PD, she never talked about that to me. She would only mention one of her other diagnoses, that were much more common and ‘populair’. I think there was a certain amount of shame in that.

It would clarify, why she (almost) never would let me near her T. It would also clarify why she arranged our r/s to explode: there wasn’t another way in the world she could have stopped us having T-sessions together. By arranging our r/s to end, she managed to put the blame solely on me.

Very sad if you think about it. I allways wanted to help, I tried not to judge, I wanted to work with her, but all that made me come to close.

[cal644]

I think the shame for what they have done only kills their souls farther.  My stbex can't even look me in the eye after being married 19 yrs, she doesn't want a single memory of me the last 19 years, deleted every picture of us together the last 19 yrs.  But at times I beleive she knows she has an issue, even though she is in theropy - I don't know if she is really working out her issues.  At times she has said "my biggest regret is you ever marrying me becuase I am just a shell of a person" or "I don't know who I am, I've always just been who I thought you wanted me to be"  those are just a few examples of many - but at that moment of clarity - she knows she truely is a shell.  But the shame for who she is, and what she has done kills her.  That's why every time she comes to pick up my daughter from my (used to be our) house - she is either full of tears or is in a rage.  She can't look at her own actions becuase her shame kills her so she has to project everything onto me. 

[Deleted]

Veryscared & cal644, I'm real sorry to hear about that. I think we all, well I know I did, I did not judge her or label my exBPD a certain way because I cared for the person and I wanted to see her better. Naive thinking on my part. Cal644- as much as I just want to be indifferent and believe me I would never seek revenge, I do hope tht the failure of our relationship only makes her even more shameful. I feel as if she took a part of me(not in a good way) or perhaps it's my current thinking since I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I know BPD behavior varies from person to person but its almost text book stuff when it comes To the projections. I was blamed for the failure of the relationship and so much more.

[cal644]

Deleted - I kinda feel the same way now - I wish that the shame will eventually hurt her and destroy her as much as I have been hurt.  I gave that woman everything and now she has turned into this person I would never imagine in a million years.  The projection, lies, and rage directed at me is something I would have never thought her capable of and then to top it off my daughter accidentally received a text to her boyfriend (which she's been lying to not only me but my daughter also).  The things in the text were something she never even came close to telling me in our 19 years of marriage - that was the point were I think I fully accepted that my wife is no longer the woman I loved and married (she is the farthest thing from it).

[Deleted]

Kudos For accepting that, it's prob one of the hardest and longest things to accept. It took me a year to accept it but sometimes I can't help but to be upset. My exBPD did have many small moments of clarity and realization that she messed up in almost ever aspect of her life but then her primal instincts took over and quickly projected the blame onto someone else. Did this occur in your case?

[cal644]

Oh yes you don't know how many texts of I'm just a shell of a person.  What kind of person would do this to their family, meaning her. How she doesn't know how to be a good wife or mother.  How she has low self esteem, how she regrets that I married her meaning that as a complment to me.  But a day or two later it's all the projection, blame and hate towards me.  The victim of her actions

[bpdspell]

I wish that the shame will eventually hurt her and destroy her as much as I have been hurt.  I gave that woman everything and now she has turned into this person I would never imagine in a million years.  

I know you're in pain and I know you are justifiably anger with her. But believe me the hurt and shame that lives inside her has already destroyed her and will continue to do so. In fact she's already more destroyed than you due to her BPD. This is not to make you feel better. This is to let you know that they don't get a free pass from hurt. They don't get to skip off in the sunset and escape scott-free. Because wherever they go so goes BPD. They have no peace and they are miserable in their world of make-believe delusion.

You feel like a jilted, victim who's being punished by the Gods. But this identity will only make you suffer more. I'm only writing this because I truly understand and I've lived in this truly heartbreaking heart space. But in time you will see that BPD's suffer with a toxic poison of misery that you wouldn't even want to wish on your worst enemy. They've abandoned us and it hurts on a primal level but don't even believe for one second that a new relationship will absolve them from their perpetual emptiness.

[Deleted]

BPDspell, your posts are truly insightful.

I don't feel destroyed or as if this is going to be with me for the rest of my life.  I remember seeing a someone on here using this quote "someone that I loved once gave me a box full of darkness and it took me years to realize that this too was a gift" something along those lines. I'm better, A LOT better  and it actually brings a smile on my face. At times, I forget about it, some days I'm actually content with life. However, there are days that these experiences creep up on me and knock me off balance but with each time, I'm stronger and stronger and the time spent ruminating and trying to rationalize the past actually decreases.

One thing I can say which is very sad for me to say- is that I actually got to KNOW my exBPD MORE after one year of NC by reading on BPD, evaluating her behavior, (MY own behavior), the fights, the spiteful words, everything. It's almost textbook stuff the way it plays out. I would never want to wish this on anyone. It's just crazy to think, after one year of NC and hearing things here and there from friends and family who have no clue as to what went on, I actually see right through her (and it's a place where light does not even escape from), I actually KNOW HER MORE NOW than when I was in bed with her cuddling.

But BPDSPELL- I want to thank you for your comments, they were very helpful 

[motherof1yearold]

HI,

In my marriage I was ignored so very much of the time, I agree with your theory but I also might add that in my case he was ignoring me (ruthlessly) to throw the balance of the relationship off. It was also very much about power and control, I was always stuck at home with the baby while he went out to the bar and didn't come home, every day of the week. He would ignore every call or text, all for nothing. It was so hurtful.

Through others responding to my posts here I learned he was just throwing the entire balance of the marriage off, putting him once again into complete control.

[lounap23]

I actually KNOW HER MORE NOW than when I was in bed with her cuddling.

I am starting to feel exactly the same way.  I have had always felt like my soon to be ex wife had some issues and I saw her for what she was.  But after reading up on BPD I see her very clearly. She is text book BPD.  Black and White thinking.  Always trying to find someone new to not feel abandoned when she is doing the abandoning.  Self mutilation. She would pull her eye lashes out.  She has attempted suicide. I can go on and on.  I am feeling so much better seeing her for who she is.   I still hurt knowing in the long run she will never get help and always be controlled by her disorder and I can't do anything to help but I feel so much better not walking on eggshells anymore.  I really know who she is now and I haven't been with her in over 6 months.

[Deleted]

Lounap33

Sorry to hear that but I'm glad you see the real her not the mirage we thought we saw :/ sad but its reality. Good luck!

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

Honestly I'm GLAD he's ignoring me! Then again, I've blocked him from every avenue he could pursue to contact me... .

I believe the amount of shame they feel in private-perhaps at night when they are alone or laying in bed in the dark, is fairly large. Then again, maybe it's not.

Every individual with BPD is unique even if the vast majority of those affected with BPD have a standardized set of symptoms. I believe my exBPDbf has some overlapping symptoms of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) as well. And if this is in fact true, it would explain his inability to truly be remorseful.

Granted, there were occasions I received apologies for his behavior and words, but I do recollect that most of the apologies were very hollow sounding and most were given without looking right at me. To my knowledge, NPDs really cannot feel any sort of remorse even though it may APPEAR they do because they have rehearsed the correct words to say when their behavior has hurt someone. Apologies therefore become a moment to "act" for Narcissists. Perhaps the same holds true for BPDs.

I cannot imagine that when my exBPDBF purposely spit on me during my final hours in the house, that he woke-up feeling remorseful the next morning. (I left at 1:30 in the morning, so I'll never know and don't care

There is NO WAY IN HECK he awoke and went to work the next day thinking to himself, "Holy crap! She's really gone, and I feel SO badly about my behavior I need to apologize to her immediately!" Yeah... . I just can't fathom that one. So ignoring me is the best way of coping for him, period. Even if he COULD contact me, I'd bet my milk money he wouldn't. Whether that would be out of extreme shame or the possibility of existing and overlapping NPD symptoms is an unknown. I believe it's just easier for him (overall) to blame me and say he kicked me out of his house than it is for him to step up to the plate and admit he's sick... .

[Deleted]

Iwentwithmyinstricts,

I've seen the shame that she went through. It's downright one of the most intense realizations and pains that i've ever seen. Like you, I believe that my ex had some NPD traits or just a kick ass BPD defense mechanism which just seemed downright cold and unremorseful. I think that it's easier to just ignore us as well. Perhaps they gave us a piece of THEM and that causes them to be fearful of rejection, sort of a "He could expose the real me" . Or perhaps even better, when they do see us or think about us, it's like looking at yet another failure that htey have caused. When they think of us or see us, it is a reflection of their misery, their handicapped personalities, their issues.

I'll never forgot the day my exBPD said "I could never date anyone in my town or near me, I keep ""dick"" in different towns and area codes" 

Now that I think about it, Perhaps it's because in some way they expose themselves to us. We see their shame and they see their own shame when they see us. I dunno I'm rambling I hope I'm making sense!

[LosingIt2]

Oh yes you don't know how many texts of I'm just a shell of a person.  What kind of person would do this to their family, meaning her. How she doesn't know how to be a good wife or mother.  How she has low self esteem, how she regrets that I married her meaning that as a complment to me.  But a day or two later it's all the projection, blame and hate towards me.  The victim of her actions

Can anyone explain the thought process behind this? I've experienced my exBPD agreeing with me or expressing accountability for her behavior, and then in a matter of days or weeks she takes it all back and says something like she "wasn't thinking" or she has "a right to change her mind"? Really frustrating. So my question is, how and why do they make that mental switch, and are they aware of it? It seems so passive aggressive.

[Deleted]

Losingit2,

From my experience and reading on BPD They usually agree with you or comply in order to get something that benefits them. I've seen it 100 times with my ex that in order to get what she wants it's a sort of manipulation basically. But when it's over or when hit hits the fan, it's on you It's your fault they're filled with such a shame and embarrassment that they cannot take yet another failure. So it's much easier consciously and subconsciously to just project the failure of the relationship onto the other person so that it makes him feel better for a little while. Until Until they have their fleeting moments that they realized that they are at fault it's their fault. It's a BPD mechanism- MUST AVOID SHAME MUST AVOID BEING EXPOSED and most importantly MUST AVOID FACING PROLEMS! So kudos to those actually face their problems!