Am I worthless

[Depression = 72% of members]

Having a bad day today.  This grief has gone on too long. 14 months to be exact.  I have remained

NC apart from a couple of emails that I sent last year, trying to find out what, why and where exbf was.

He replied saying he loved me and said he had a nervous breakdown?  Even though he was clearly with

another woman. Is it possible to articulate another r/s if one is having a breakdown?

I am depressed as hell and the thought of having r/s makes me sick to the stomach 

I have come to the conclusion that it must be entirely my fault that he left me.  I did and still do have

ongoing health problems. I dont have a Job, and cant afford to fix my house the way Id like it.

Also my d 18 at the time, she suffers from BPD needed alot of care and attention.

D 18 moved into sheltered accommodation a month before ex left me.

We each had our own places and did not live together.

The only reason Im NC is because I feel totally worthless in my ex eyes.

Even though he is very much into fighting for equal rights for women, pro choice and all that.

He is very political and makes his voice heard in defending people, for disability benefits.

He is caring towards other people.

What I find so so hurtful is that he did not seem to stand up for anything that concerned me.

He seemed to hate my d and wouldnt come near me if I was ill or had a problem.

He stayed away until I felt better.  I had to deal and face life on my own.

There must be something wrong with me, eh?

These thoughts cripple and paralyse me and keep me stuck.

Exbf is currently with new partner. He is living with her and is her full time carer as she has

health problems.

It hurts so much as I have always been independent and tried to sort out my own problems

and not to burden people.

Is it me?

[dancinginthelight]

Having a bad day today.  This grief has gone on too long. 14 months to be exact.  I have remained

NC apart from a couple of emails that I sent last year, trying to find out what, why and where exbf was.

He replied saying he loved me and said he had a nervous breakdown?  Even though he was clearly with

another woman. Is it possible to articulate another r/s if one is having a breakdown?

I am depressed as hell and the thought of having r/s makes me sick to the stomach 

I have come to the conclusion that it must be entirely my fault that he left me.  I did and still do have

ongoing health problems. I dont have a Job, and cant afford to fix my house the way Id like it.

Also my d 18 at the time, she suffers from BPD needed alot of care and attention.

D 18 moved into sheltered accommodation a month before ex left me.

We each had our own places and did not live together.

The only reason Im NC is because I feel totally worthless in my ex eyes.

Even though he is very much into fighting for equal rights for women, pro choice and all that.

He is very political and makes his voice heard in defending people, for disability benefits.

He is caring towards other people.

What I find so so hurtful is that he did not seem to stand up for anything that concerned me.

He seemed to hate my d and wouldnt come near me if I was ill or had a problem.

He stayed away until I felt better.  I had to deal and face life on my own.

There must be something wrong with me, eh?

These thoughts cripple and paralyse me and keep me stuck.

Exbf is currently with new partner. He is living with her and is her full time carer as she has

health problems.

It hurts so much as I have always been independent and tried to sort out my own problems

and not to burden people.

Is it me?

[Octoberfest]

Having a bad day today.  This grief has gone on too long. 14 months to be exact.  I have remained

NC apart from a couple of emails that I sent last year, trying to find out what, why and where exbf was.

He replied saying he loved me and said he had a nervous breakdown?  Even though he was clearly with

another woman. Is it possible to articulate another r/s if one is having a breakdown?

I am depressed as hell and the thought of having r/s makes me sick to the stomach 

I have come to the conclusion that it must be entirely my fault that he left me.  I did and still do have

ongoing health problems. I dont have a Job, and cant afford to fix my house the way Id like it.

Also my d 18 at the time, she suffers from BPD needed alot of care and attention.

D 18 moved into sheltered accommodation a month before ex left me.

We each had our own places and did not live together.

The only reason Im NC is because I feel totally worthless in my ex eyes.

Even though he is very much into fighting for equal rights for women, pro choice and all that.

He is very political and makes his voice heard in defending people, for disability benefits.

He is caring towards other people.

What I find so so hurtful is that he did not seem to stand up for anything that concerned me.

He seemed to hate my d and wouldnt come near me if I was ill or had a problem.

He stayed away until I felt better.  I had to deal and face life on my own.

There must be something wrong with me, eh?

These thoughts cripple and paralyse me and keep me stuck.

Exbf is currently with new partner. He is living with her and is her full time carer as she has

health problems.

It hurts so much as I have always been independent and tried to sort out my own problems

and not to burden people.

Is it me?

No, it is not you.

To the bolded; it is because the relationship was NEVER ABOUT YOU.  BPD relationships never are.  They are about easing the pain that the pwBPD deals with every day.  It may seem heartless to say, but you, and the relationship were a tool for the BPD.  This is not to lesson any feelings of love your pwBPD had for you; they certainly could have been real, and most likely were.  But not for the reasons that are to be expected.

I guess when I think of love, like how I loved my BPDex I think:

-I love loving her

-I love making her happy, seeing her smile, making her feel safe, making her feel worth something

-Seeing her hurt, hurts me.

-Knowing of hurt she has to deal with, her past, obstacles in her future, makes me sad

-I Care for her well being as a person

Looking back at my own relationship, at my BPDex, and all that went with it, when she said she loved me I think it was much more along these lines:

-She loved how I made her feel

-She loved that someone loved her

-She loved that someone thought she was worth something

Notice any trends? IMO, love is about your feelings ABOUT the other person, not the other persons feelings about YOU.

pwBPD are very selfish IMO in that way, even if they do not mean to be.  It is just survival instinct for them.

So when you ask yourself,

"I wasn't good enough"

"I didn't do this or that right"

"I am not worthy of their love"

You are torturing yourself without reason.  The fact is, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE WHEN IT COMES TO pwBPD!

NOTHING you could have done would make it work.  It is an issue on their end, not yours.

You could have been the worst partner in the world and it would have failed.

You could have been the best partner in the world, made NO mistakes, and it would have failed.

So, no, it IS NOT you.

[Surnia]

Hi dancing

So sorry to hear about your struggles! 

and no, you are not worthless. You are probably depressed. Many of us are or were.

Facing job and health issues makes it much more difficult to find your way with detaching.

Did you know Moodgym? Perhaps you could give it a try... . you can click here. It is for free and very helpful against depression.

Since the rs is over, did you change something in your appartement? This can sometimes help too.

[GreenMango]

Am I worthless?

No.  Not by long shot.

But having a relationship of this kind sure does a great job of convincing people they are.  Hey this one person - regardless of mental illness - doesn't get to decide your worth.   .  So easy to go to the pit and dreg every bad thing about yourself up.  

You decide your worth.  And he's one single person in a world of people - I'm guessing there are many that think you are worth it.  

[laelle]

dancinginthedark,

Just simply the fact that you are here trying to find answers for yourself and your care for your ex who is ill... . makes you worth millions!

I have the same problem as you.  People define my worth.  I am working towards defining my own worth and holding it steady in the face of adversity.

Let go of the rollercoaster and take a step forward.  Sometimes people arent always meant to stay in our lives forever.  I am glad mine didnt because he was hurting me.

The pain I felt for him, and the worthlessness I felt about myself were killing me.

What is keeping you stuck?

 Laelle

[flatspin]

No, it is not you.

To the bolded; it is because the relationship was NEVER ABOUT YOU.  BPD relationships never are.  They are about easing the pain that the pwBPD deals with every day.  It may seem heartless to say, but you, and the relationship were a tool for the BPD.  This is not to lesson any feelings of love your pwBPD had for you; they certainly could have been real, and most likely were.  But not for the reasons that are to be expected.

I guess when I think of love, like how I loved my BPDex I think:

-I love loving her

-I love making her happy, seeing her smile, making her feel safe, making her feel worth something

-Seeing her hurt, hurts me.

-Knowing of hurt she has to deal with, her past, obstacles in her future, makes me sad

-I Care for her well being as a person

Looking back at my own relationship, at my BPDex, and all that went with it, when she said she loved me I think it was much more along these lines:

-She loved how I made her feel

-She loved that someone loved her

-She loved that someone thought she was worth something

Notice any trends? IMO, love is about your feelings ABOUT the other person, not the other persons feelings about YOU.

pwBPD are very selfish IMO in that way, even if they do not mean to be.  It is just survival instinct for them.

So when you ask yourself,

"I wasn't good enough"

"I didn't do this or that right"

"I am not worthy of their love"

You are torturing yourself without reason.  The fact is, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE WHEN IT COMES TO pwBPD!

NOTHING you could have done would make it work.  It is an issue on their end, not yours.

You could have been the worst partner in the world and it would have failed.

You could have been the best partner in the world, made NO mistakes, and it would have failed.

So, no, it IS NOT you.

That's exactly how things take place.

We're pedestals to them ! We're self-esteem boosters ! We're the self-esteem that they lack so badly ! They may love us but they above all love the way we make them feel. That may explain why they treat us so badly whenever we may fall short for some reasons. When I was with my ex-wife, my daily life looked like an abiding, endless job interview. I had to prove everything, again and again and all the more so regarding things in which I wasn't great. Out of 100 skills, if I was ever found lacking in one of them only, that's the one she was demanding that I get it perfectly fulfilled so I could prove her that I really was a man deserving her respect... .

I would have been perfect, she would have dumped me because she would have thought that I was showing off and trying to belittle her through passive agressive behaviour against her... .  

Dear dancinginthedark, her demands and opinions about you were just self-loathing mirrored at you. No matter what you would have done and how you would have done it, you were doomed to be bashed and denigrated.

Your personal problems have nothing to do with the reasons for which your relationship turned out badly. If you didn't have those job and health issues, she would have pushed other sore buttons and would even have made up other ones. Their world isn't ours... .

Please don't feel guilty ! Besides the lessons which are very useful whenever we are able to apply them, there was nothing that you could have done that could have impeded that situation from happening. It's like a tornado, you see it coming, you find a hide-out and accept the outcome because there is nothing that you can do to stop it from destroying everything.

[ISwallowedaFly]

i recommend you reexamine this part:

"The only reason Im NC is because I feel totally worthless in my ex eyes.

Even though he is very much into fighting for equal rights for women, pro choice and all that.

He is very political and makes his voice heard in defending people, for disability benefits.

He is caring towards other people.

What I find so so hurtful is that he did not seem to stand up for anything that concerned me.

He seemed to hate my d and wouldnt come near me if I was ill or had a problem.

He stayed away until I felt better.  I had to deal and face life on my own.

There must be something wrong with me, eh?"

on the surface this doesnt make sense, and i think youre right to be puzzled by it. someone can be so caring towards others, but not the person whom hes in a relationship with? and if "its you", and he doesnt care about you, that would speak rather oddly of him for being in a relationship with you, would it not?

youre actually not wrong to ask "is it me?". because, in a very, very literal sense, it was you. you were his partner. those closest to us will often see sides of us, good or bad, that we may not show others. but in general, the closer you may be with someone wpbd, the more likely the pwBPD is to experience disordered feelings toward and about you. on top of that, pwBPD have problems with empathy. its one thing to know how to display it adequately to someone not as close to you, and maybe even feel more comfortable expressing it. and thats not to suggest hes making up the interests he shared with you. but this is why you, the romantic partner, were treated differently. its almost like a perverse form of flattery, but its egocentric.

so yes. you experienced these things because you were a romantic partner with this person, though thats probably not what you thought you were signing up for . but no, as to whether it was anything lacking in you, wrong with you, could have done something differently, any of those things. obviously no one is perfect, but im confident those kinds of things would not be responsible.

im guessing, but it seems to me this may have been a powerful, possibly addictive dynamic for you, craving the display you saw him give for others. you feel like dirt because someone you psychologically placed higher than yourself (and/or his displays of care, empathy, etc) has treated you this way. and of course youre experiencing depression, probably a slew of things. so in turn part of you rationalizes that it "must be you". and that couldnt be further from the truth.

i think two things that will help you in the long run are depersonalizing these wounds, and self confidence and self esteem work. which can come from new activities, old activities, things youre already good at, anything that reminds you of you, and makes you feel good about you. i think you will find that the more you do this, the less this persons opinion will matter to you.