After a very eventful Monday, I sat here tonight to weight up the pros and cons of the last 3 years of my life.
I loved my exBPDw very much and would even defend her to my T. He was in a very good position to see what was going on as he started out as her T until he realised what he was dealing with, that she was in denial and I wasn't so he stood a much better chance of helping me. He tried to make me see that the relationship was destroying me and that although I loved my ex greatly, it was dysfunctional, destructive and the reciprocation was conditional. Regardless, I stayed until she decided she was moving on and it left me devastated. I was fortunate that although I left the country after the marriage ended, my T stayed with me and we talked about how I rebuild my life and get back to who I once was. Getting to a healthy place before we examine elements from the past.
6 weeks on and each day gets brighter. I start to see the dysfunction for what it was and although my love for my ex hasn't diminished, I haven't allowed it continue to consume me either. There have been so many positive changes in the past 6 weeks and I'm only at the start of my journey.
For the past year of the relationship I was simply living, trying to get through each day and always fearful of when the next argument or put down would come. I lived in fear of my ex because she was unpredictable. I could do everything in the house that needed doing but she would always find the one thing that wasn't completed or done to her satisfaction. Everything that was done would then be ignored as I would be told how useless I was and did nothing at all to help her.
If I was to leave the house (I even worked from home so it wasn't like I had that break through the day either) I would basically have to ask for permission, tell her exactly where I was going and how long I would be, because of her abandonment issues. Bearing in mind too that she is a 32 year old woman still living at home with her parents who never leave the house except for grocery shopping, so not like she is in the house alone. But as her husband, it was my job to alleviate her abandonment issues, not her parents responsibility or even her own.
So 6 weeks out and I'm starting to see the major dysfunction within the house. The fact that when she was sick with a back problem, her aunt was also called in to help out. So basically 4 adults in a house to take care of my wife. It's funny looking at it from this side now but also scary as to how much responsibility I took on that was not my own.
So that was my life for the past 3 years, get up, sort out the kids, work, take care of the wife and live in fear of doing anything she would object to.
In the past 6 weeks, I have been involved in a project to help people in an area that was damaged by natural disaster, met some great and wonderful people there whose influence led me on to helping my sister set up an eco business for people with learning difficulties and personality disorders (oh the irony) and also put me on the path to a healthier lifestyle.
Through people I met on the project, I have met my favourite band and got to spend some time with them, last week I got to meet one of my favourite authors, Steven King and had a really nice talk with him and then today I got meet one of my favourite actors and talk about his latest movie. The irony being that these were all favourites I shared in common with my ex. A movie I produced is going on show at film festivals around the world in the next several weeks to highlight mental health issues, I have started writing a book I have wanted to write for the past 15 years, an ex-colleague and great friend of mine has a business idea we talked about 5 or 6 years ago and wants to get it off the ground before the end of the year because the market is strong now.
So when I look at everything, there isn't a day goes by where I don't miss my wife or love her just as much as I did at the start. But the choice of living in fear or the choice of living my own goals and ambitions is a very easy decision to make. I have done more in 6 weeks outside of the relationship than I did the 3 years I was in it. It's not that I didn't have these goals and ambitions in the relationship, but they were constantly put down because they weren't my ex's goals and ambitions and her idea of a relationship was that her goals should be my goals and my goal was to take care of her.
I have decided to love my ex from afar and wish her all the kindness and happiness for her future but as each day goes by I see with more clarity. I know I slowed myself down, and put my own ambitions on hold out of my own fear of losing her but as each day comes, I seriously question why.
Here's to happiness and ambition
