Struggling with the cruel words...

[Nearlybroken]

my ex came to our home yesterday to collect some belongings... . as I expected I was on the receiving end of lots of abuse and distorted views... . the usual... . a list of my failings,comments that I had ruined everything,I was twisted and argumentative,at some point in our relationship had "stalked" him (?),made him engage in conversation when he didn't want to,was impossible to live with as I constantly failed to appreciate his feelings,deprived him of sex,bullied him,made him cry,was an appalling partner etc etc etc.He then told me I was "allowed" to speak with his family but could not mention his name in any conversations.he finished this rant off by screaming at me "What is it you want?Do you want me to be your friend?If so you can contact me in a couple of weeks.So,do you want me to be your friend... . yes or no?Answer me now... . yes or no?".I just sat and cried.he then spotted tablets that my doctor has given me.He asked what they were for... . I told him to calm me down and help me sleep a little better ( I have been having panic attacks at night).His response "See, I always knew you were pathetic and weak... . now I can tell everyone that you are mad too".No doubt he will... . I am struggling to understand his cruelty and am unsure of how much more I can take... . I cry and shake  all the time and feel scared.

Please someone tell me this nightmare will end soon... .

[bewildered2]

struggling to understand his cruelty?

that, my dear, is explained by the BPD.

you are either wonderful, or you are awful. they have the emotional maturity of a 9 year old kid. that simple.

bizarre? yes. grown-up? no. suitable relationship material? not unless you like abuse.

the best advice i can give you is to recognize that you are not dealing with a healthy grown-up individual, but with someone with a severe mental illness which results in causing you pain, pain, and more pain.

ease away, take the pain, and you will be fine in time. the sooner you do this the sooner you will free of the toxin, i.e. him, in your bloodstream.

hang in there, it will get better. and we will help you.

b2 

[laelle]

When someone with BPD rages they throw all their twisted views, shame, guilt, emotions and the kitchen sink into the mix.

I wouldnt take any of it to heart, as they rarely even fully understand what they are saying.  Its really about them and their emotions, not you.

My ex use to call me selfish, childish, abusive and a bully... . funny thing is, these are the same things that I have said to him during every break up.

I started to notice at abusive... . because up until a certain point, I never used that word... . after one fight, I used it... . and then tada... . that is what he began to say that

I was doing to him.

Mirror mirror on the wall.

Its always tough, because someone with BPD is very perceptive to our faults and our ways.  They have to know how to control and push our buttons so they know

our vulnerabilities.  They hear our feelings about things in everyday life and hold it until the next rage... . and smack... . right back in our faces.

Mine told me one time that... . "your horrible because you have been in france 7 years and cant even speak much french"  I thought... . dude... . if thats all you've got on

me, I must be a pretty good person.   

Good riddance. You dont need that kind of abuse in your life.  No of us do.

[Validation78]

Hi NB!

 It's so hard to hear these sorts of things. Makes us wonder if there's any truth to what they say. They seem so convincing and when we are feeling weak already, they can get to us. What the others have said is very accurate. Once we realize why they say things, it does make it easier, however, I believe that our best defense is to remove ourselves from the environment altogether. I refuse to be around someone who has nothing good to say, and who's only aim is to hurt me and knows exactly what to say to do it. That's why for many of us NC has been our salvation. No calls, no texts, no email, NO CONTACT! It's not easy, and it may be your best defense.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[rj47]

To simply categorize and discount the hurtful words as the ranting of a "sick person", oversimplifies the strength of the emotional binds we willing stepped into. I no longer know how healthy relationships develop over time, but in the distant past before the dysfunction crept in it was utterly liberating to open myself up to another without fear. It became a prison over time and source of great pain as she exploited the very weaknesses that bound us in love. Blaming the sickness is accepting the facts about what it does to us... . but the sting is still there. How can a person that supposedly loves another, continue to say and do these things? When the mind calms and sorrow expresses itself in waves of apology and never again statements over verbal and physical attacks, some of us still die a little more knowing that its a matter of time before the next cycle. I found that there was a tipping point to the abuse and how I internalized it. I could manage the sporadic episodic cycles for many years. In my own mind I accepted that the best this person could ever give me is whatever she gave me. But as the frequency and viciousness of the attacks increased I began to realize that (right or wrong) this person was incapable of loving me. During lucid times she would admit there was a debilitating condition lurking in the semi-conscious region of her persona, but soon enough she would withdraw back into the defensive position making her issues my fault. I simply began to become numb to the cruel words. Now I simply stare at the floor and talk to myself silently while the ""demon" spews. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I play a game of guessing what words will come out next. I have heard it for so many years I now can recite almost every word that is coming. I even sometimes finish her sentences but that only enrages the demon. The hurtful words can still be gut-wrenching, but drowning out the chatter in my mind and even finding humor in the repeating patterns helps to deflect the poison. Also, I have learned to allow the "demon" just enough time to slake its thirst before turning into a full on feeding frenzy. What used to go on for hours and hours, I force to shut down after 30 or 40 minutes by simply saying ""I love you and I am so sorry for ruining your life for the past 25 years, I have to leave now before this gets out of control". She will ridicule and bait me with more incendiary rhetoric, but... . I'm numb to it. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not... . maybe I simply don't care anymore. Despite all the "learned" junk I willingly downloaded about myself, I know I can "unlearn" it. It requires a lot of effort in the face the continuing schooling she continues to direct at me, but the words have less meaning with each time I hear them. I have erected enough filters, distraction (however weak they may be), and, coping responses to begin rebuilding my self-respect. I am always concerned where this will ultimately lead me (I still love her), but the unknown future is become increasingly more attractive.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Nearlybroken, As Val says, "they seem so convincing" and they do, until you stop and think about what is really going on . . . which is usually an unregulated pwBPD who has no ability to control his/her emotions in an adult fashion, with the result that they say all sorts of mean, unkind, scathing, hurtful and exaggerated things that are more or less the ranting of a child.  It's hard because we Nons tend to take what they say to heart, because as a Non we would never say that sort of thing unless there was a reason, yet for a pwBPD it's a whole different reality, which in my view is why they are best avoided with NC or minimal contact relating to children.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[bpdspell]

my ex came to our home yesterday to collect some belongings... . as I expected I was on the receiving end of lots of abuse and distorted views... . the usual... . a list of my failings,comments that I had ruined everything,I was twisted and argumentative,at some point in our relationship had "stalked" him (?),made him engage in conversation when he didn't want to,was impossible to live with as I constantly failed to appreciate his feelings,deprived him of sex,bullied him,made him cry,was an appalling partner etc etc etc.He then told me I was "allowed" to speak with his family but could not mention his name in any conversations.he finished this rant off by screaming at me "What is it you want?Do you want me to be your friend?If so you can contact me in a couple of weeks.So,do you want me to be your friend... . yes or no?Answer me now... . yes or no?".I just sat and cried.he then spotted tablets that my doctor has given me.He asked what they were for... . I told him to calm me down and help me sleep a little better ( I have been having panic attacks at night).His response "See, I always knew you were pathetic and weak... . now I can tell everyone that you are mad too".No doubt he will... . I am struggling to understand his cruelty and am unsure of how much more I can take... . I cry and shake  all the time and feel scared.

Please someone tell me this nightmare will end soon... .

Nearly broken,

Like everyone has stated when a BPD is in the full throes of narcissistic rage you become a mirror for the very thing that's eating them alive from the inside out. This means that everything that your ex is saying to you is a direct reflection of how he feels about himself. BPD is a nasty mix of stunted growth, shame, rage, anxiety, darkness and emotional barrenness and when triggered by abandonment will unleash the holy hell that it is. It is intense suffering that lives inside of them and your ex lashing out at you is  his attempt at making you feel exactly how he feels: miserable, empty, hollow, and broken.

As for friendship... . how could you be friends with a person who's capable of berating you until your crying and shaking? With friends like that who needs enemies? The emotional damage you've endured has now triggered panic attacks in you. I've had panic attacks and they're no walk in the park; they're terrifying. This indicates to me that going NC is the best possible choice to stop the abuse. You cannot negotiate yourself with a man who feels entitled to reduce your sense of self into mealy pulp.

You owe it to yourself to remove yourself from this toxic abuse because you deserve better.

[danley]

NB,

The cruel words and attacks are hard to ignore. No matter how hard you try to convince them they're wrong, it seems to fuel their anger more. Truth is that they hate themselves. They're unhappy that they can't change or move forward. Perhaps they are angry because in order to move forward and heal they must accept that they need help and they're wrong.

My ex has accused me of several of the things your ex has put on you. The stalking comment made my eyes roll. WHY do BPDs think this all the time? My ex accused me of off the wall things and called me selfish because he said I only thought of myself and feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth. All the things he accused me of were a reflection of himself. Is he upset he knows this and can't find it in himself to change? Idk.  But the cruel words were hurtful and it still stings. I try to remember that he is emotional unwell

Words can only hold so much and truth. Be confident in yourself and try to remember that YOU know what's really going on.