Weathering the storm

[arabella]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here - venting? advice? soothing? a knock upside my head? I'll take any of the above or any other suggestions! Sorry, it's a long read - the details aren't important though, just skim along for the story!

Quick backstory for those not familiar:

dBPDh had a meltdown 10 years ago - lasted from Dec to following October. Stable for 10 years. Identical meltdown this year, timeline so far is the same. He insists this time is completely different (all evidence to the contrary) and gets very angry if I suggest otherwise. H moved out in May for 'therapeutic separation' for the summer, we agreed to try again in Sept. He was rather upset that I hadn't found a job and said that was creating a lot of tension and resentment (despite admitting it wasn't my fault). Said he didn't even have the freedom to make decisions because he was obligated to stay with me because I had no money. Still, things had been going fairly well, especially more recently.

This month:

H went on a road trip with a friend. He doesn't usually tolerate her for more than a few hours at a time and he didn't really want to go but got sucked in. Dysregulated leading up to the trip. I assumed he'd dysregulate more upon return due to over-socializing plus having to work a LOT to make up the time. Nope. He was happy and wanted to spend more time with me. Tired but all was well. Hmm... . Then last week he wedged a bunch of social commitments (just him) in between work. I saw him less but that was okay. Friday he's cranky and tells me so. Saturday I get a tentative part-time job offer. He says he's happy for me but he's even more cranky. Sunday he almost cancels his plans with me (tickets to a festival) and snaps at me that he needs to be home early because he has other plans. Weekend was stressball.

Today (Monday):

H comes by to pick up his bicycle and starts telling me how he's feeling "pressured" to make a decision about September and our r/s. Stressing about it ruined his weekend. Tells me I need to buy a car for work (I won't be able to afford this and he knows it) and that at least now he's not obligated to stay with me to support me. He can't deal with not knowing what he's going to do for the next two months. He NEEDS to make a decision right now! But some days he thinks it will never work and some days he thinks maybe it will. And we're totally incompatible (been living together 12 years). Starts telling me what I think and how I feel and how incompatible it is with his life path. It's quite the rant. I try to validate and not JADE but I didn't do a very good job as I was rather upset. He just got more and more angry. I told him I thought we were going to get back together to see how things went in Sept. He said that was THEN and now he doesn't know. A few weeks ago I'd also said I was just trying to do what he told me to last time this happened - he said that sounded like a good way to go. So I mentioned it again - this time he blew up saying it's all different, he's not the same person as when he made that plan years ago, he's not crazy, I'm being stupid, I don't respect him, etc. I validated his feelings and said that I must not have communicated properly because I didn't mean to imply that I thought he was crazy and that I heard him that things were different for him now. He told me that I just don't get it and to stop making such a big deal out of it. Finally he left. Texted me an hour later to say he didn't mean to upset me, he was just trying to be honest. And he knows this stuff is really hard. what the heck?

So I spent the day in tears. Got a phone call from a friend who knows what's going on - that got me through the day as she managed to talk some sense into me. But now I'm at a loss. Do I ignore this diatribe? Try to do something with the info? Assume it's a 'hangover' from all the activity this month? Something else? Any ideas on how to get him to calm down re feeling pressured? Btw, I have no idea where this sudden 'pressure' came from - we haven't been discussing long term plans at all. Some suspicion that some of it is coming from a third party... . I suggested just waiting things out a bit - that was met with anger too. He's worked himself into a total doom and gloom disaster (I did mention that his stress was creating a self-fulfilling prophecy re our r/s not going well, he didn't disagree). I also need to talk myself down from my perch - I'm all strung out about this now. ugh.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Rockylove]

   I'm so sorry things are unsettled, arabella.  It truly is difficult.  I've no real words of wisdom for you, but lots of hugs and hope for a better tomorrow.

[connect]

Hi Arabella,

As you always say to me... . deep breath!  

I havent got long as am at work so will write more later.

This is definately a hang over from his overcommitments. I am sure he is overwhelmed. He has been on a road trip and worked back to back before and after. He has then filled any remaining time with social obligations. In a way I am surprised he didnt disregulate earlier over this. Tiredness is a trigger for yours as well as mine I know and boy your man must be feeling tired with everything he has been packing in! Add to that some BPD and a dsregulated husband comes out the other end... .

I agree that the pressure is not coming from you so could be third party or his own imaginings - we wont know that til he settles down.

I think that you have to really try not to take it personally. You could validate the fact that he is talking about his feelings as a positive in this.

Got to go as am at work but my over view is that this is not a personal thing at you - you just saw it - I am sure he will calm down - mine needs a few days space when he gets this way.

Hugs -  

[arabella]

Thanks Rockylove and Connect (and anyone else who managed to read all that)! I just keep telling myself he'll get over it. But sometimes he latches onto things and then uses them as justification for bad decisions. (Connect, didn't yours do that re his vacation with his ex?) And this is a BIG decision he's fussing over.

So last night we texted a bit. He'd ended his morning txts with "ttyl" and we always text when he's working. He was okay at the beginning, talking about plans. Then he started getting upset when plans started having options. I dropped that and went with mundane topics: one word answers. I told him, very briefly, I was sorry I'd gotten so upset earlier, forgive me? He said, "yes. forget it. stop worrying." Which is his annoyed 'tone' (punctuation is bad, it means he's angry). We say goodnight and "I love you" every evening - last night he just didn't reply for the first time in months. I know that sounds like no big deal, but it sort of is. I don't know what happened. :'(

[connect]

Am glad you got some communication from him last night x He is still a bit of a mucked up boy atm and in my small experience it may take him a bit longer to calm down but HE WILL GET THERE   Yes you are right mine does link the most bizzare stuff together in his head when he disregulates, he makes decisions (or thinks he has to) and seems to put pressure on himself. When mine is like this he says his mind is racing round and he needs a bit of time to process things and stop his brain from whirling round so quick. Stay on the boards to remind yourself that this is normal BPD stuff x when we have had a good run with our BPD's then we are shocked when they disregulate.  I would love to know what some of the more experienced members think about this. Maybeso? Are you there :-) ?

[laelle]

Hey Arabella,  

I caught on to something you said about your job... . that he felt he would not have to take care of you anymore.  :)o you think its possible that what he meant to say

was Arabella, im afraid you wont need me anymore?  As abandonment is a huge issue for him, maybe he fears because you are no longer totally under his support (control), you wont deal with his stuff anymore.  He is trying to sabotage things before you do?

[arabella]

connect - I know. I know you're right. And actually, I think there is more going on in his head than he's told me. Some of the timing is suspect and there have been a few other odd bits of info that have been leaked (okay, that I found). I'd like to just come out and ask about all of it. In fact, I would have already asked about it except that he's dysregulated and I'm not sure it's a good time. Or maybe it's the best time because then I'd know what the 'real' issues were and maybe we could actually deal with those instead of this crap?

laelle - Totally. It did occur to me that the job was seen as a threat (sub-consciously, of course). He mentioned that he thought he'd feel better, and less stressed, once I found something and was surprised that he didn't get instant relief. I said that sometimes unexpected feelings crop up even with good news, subconscious stuff we didn't know was there, but that's okay. I suggested maybe it just needed time to sink in, etc. He didn't really respond to that (not that I expected him to) except to dysregulate over sharing the car.  He was getting weird even before the job offer though, so I think there's more to it but that is probably not helping.

[bruceli]

Hey Arabella,  

I caught on to something you said about your job... . that he felt he would not have to take care of you anymore.  :)o you think its possible that what he meant to say

was Arabella, im afraid you wont need me anymore?  As abandonment is a huge issue for him, maybe he fears because you are no longer totally under his support (control), you wont deal with his stuff anymore.  He is trying to sabotage things before you do?

DW is in a similar place right now and I would have to agree with the above quote... . The I need to get rid of you before you get rid of me syndrome... .

[arabella]

There's also more going on and I'm not sure what it is. I'm wondering if he's dating someone new? I mean, I don't think so but... . Something is definitely 'off'. He bought condoms last week, out of the blue and now he's emailed a fertility clinic about getting tested. what the heck? I want to ask about this but I'm not sure how it will be received, especially now that he's off the rails. Ordinarily I'd just be really direct but he's going to have a fit about my 'snooping' (wasn't really, but he'll see it that way in this mood). It's totally bizarre and I can't figure out how it all ties together. Sometimes talking lets him vent out and he stabilizes really quickly afterward (a lot of his dysregulations seem to be tied to trying to keep secrets from me - he gets really wound up). But I'm worried more talking might just set him off again too.  

bruceli - And do I try to validate and reassure? Or do I just let it go? I am so not good at this, even after all this time!

[bruceli]

I say validate... . Just had a flare up about a 1/2 hour ago before she left for work, her source of pain and anxiety which of course she projects onto me... . I've gotten pretty good at it but my patience is growing thin because most of our time together is me validating... . not much of what I consider a healthy relationship.

[arabella]

I say validate... . Just had a flare up about a 1/2 hour ago before she left for work, her source of pain and anxiety which of course she projects onto me... . I've gotten pretty good at it but my patience is growing thin because most of our time together is me validating... . not much of what I consider a healthy relationship.

It really does take its toll, doesn't it? I've got my own life to deal with as well and this is just sort of the icing on the cake (err, poop in the swamp?). Trying to do job interviews while wound up like a top isn't ideal. Maybe if I take a sedative before I try to talk to him it will keep me from panicking and making things worse. Seriously, I'm finding it so hard to regulate my OWN feelings right now - so I can see how hard (read: impossible) it must be for them!

[laelle]

   We are here for you hun. 

You are such an incredibly kind and loving heart.  With your H normally if you leave him be he calms down on his own?

[arabella]

  We are here for you hun.  

You are such an incredibly kind and loving heart.  With your H normally if you leave him be he calms down on his own?

And thank the deities that you are here! I'd be a total disaster if I hadn't found these boards and the wonderful people here!

Hmm... . He will usually calm down, but he doesn't really get over things. He can dwell indefinitely (I'm talking months). Weirdly, sometimes if he tells me what's going on, even if nothing else happens and nothing is 'solved' he just lets it go. Which is why I'm considering a conversation. Except that he's really gotten wound up now. I might try a gentle prodding when I see him tomorrow... . I don't know. As I said, something is amiss here, more so than usual, and it's really throwing my little sensors off!

[Grey Kitty]

  Sorry to hear things going off the rails again.

Dunno that I've got anything to add to what everybody else here has already said. Except 

 

You knew he was building up stress that was going to come out someway, and you knew that he is dysregulated enough that it will be ugly, and at least some of it will be aimed at you.

Sigh.

My only thought is that I acted worse when I let my fear of what my wife would do get a hold of me and yank me around. Usually I eventually figured out that what I was afraid of was possible... . and what I was doing wasn't preventing it anyway, at best it was delaying things.

It sounds like you do have some mysteries to unravel. Probably better to know about them than let your imagination run wild.

Hang in there!

[arabella]

Thanks everyone! I read and re-read your posts before dealing with H today. Spoke to a friend on the phone for a brief pep talk. Re-read emails from friends who 'get it'. SO HELPFUL!

So, for anyone following this saga... .

H was sort of quiet and moody in the minimal interaction I had with him during the day (short car ride and then some texting). We got together for a yoga class this evening. Went okay but he was still dysregulated and not really speaking to me. We got a pizza on the way home and started to chat over dinner. I decided to try to make things fairly generic, validate, tell him I understood how stressed he's been. Asked if there was anything else going on, perhaps around Friday... . And he responded with, "You mean because I've been in a really crappy mood since then?" Umm... . yes? He said he thinks he's just over-tired, it's too hot, his apartment was really humid (he broke down and bought a dehumidifier Saturday), he was nervous about going back onto night shifts again, etc. Okay. I asked about some other stuff, the third party involved, etc. I was really tired today and too emotionally drained to argue or come up with any real response - probably good! So it was a very calm talk.

So, basically, he's stressed about what to do with his relationships (including me). He agrees that the more he worries, the more stressed he'll get, and the more likely the relationships will fall apart anyway and then he'll just be even more miserable. He admits he changes his mind from day to day. He can't imagine what the future might look like or what he even wants it to look like.  I asked him what would happen "in an ideal world" that he had "100% control over" - he didn't know. He says that changes from day to day. So this is what I'm working with here. Now he says he wants to get his own apartment for Sept. But he doesn't necessarily want to let go of this one. I told him I can't afford this place on my own. He got stressed and said he doesn't know what to do and it's too much pressure and I have to start paying for things. I pointed out that my new job is only part-time to start and that he can't very well decide on an apartment if he doesn't know if he'll be living alone or with his GF and he has no idea what she's doing. This seemed to penetrate his fog. I don't think these things had occurred to him.

I mentioned a conversation we had last week where he told me our friendship was the most important thing he had. I asked what happened to that? He said he feels more strongly about it some days than others. Gee, thanks.

We have an appointment tomorrow and he seemed okay with that when I reminded him (Friday when I first reminded him he was pretty pissed off about it, but it was booked 6 weeks ago). So he said he'd come over a bit early for coffee, we'd go to the app't and then have dinner and maybe watch a movie. Progress. Then he ran out the door because "these conversations are really hard" and he was too tired to sit around. I got a hug and off he went.

So we have improvement! And the talking did calm him down a bit. Never in my life have I ever met someone who gets so stressed over bottling things up. Once he vents a bit he calms down - but getting him to vent anything constructive so that he actually feels better is like some sort of voodoo art.

I'm off to bed. I feel wrecked. This stuff is killing my appetite too... . UGH!

[HardTruth]

Hi Arabella,

I'm really sorry about your situation.  I don't know much about it, but it sounds like overall, he's blaming you for a lot of things.  Even though at times he says it's not your fault, and at times he may take some responsibility himself, overall that's how it looks to me, anyway. 

For example, he says he feels pressured and stressed because you're unemployed, and he really wants you to "start paying for things".  Did he not marry you and commit to you, through life's ups and downs?  Are you actively looking for work and doing your best?  If you are, then your unemployment is just as much his 'fault' and his problem as it is yours.  If he didn't want to be 'obligated', then why did he make a commitment to another person?  It's his own fault, for god's sake!

He sounds kind of selfish to me in keeping important things from you.  And then when you want to know what's up, he snaps at you or gets irritated or angry with you.  Then blames YOU for his bad mood.  It's his own fault!  If he wasn't acting strangely, distancing himself from you, coming and going, keeping secrets about other lovers and his arrangements, discussions with them about their relationship, then you wouldn't be asking those questions, and YOU wouldn't be stressed out and upset.

If I have this all wrong, you can let me know.  Like I said, I feel like I'm just jumping into the middle of things without knowing the whole story!

[HardTruth]

When he says things like, "we're totally incompatible", it sounds to me like he's just making an excuse.  Giving himself an easy way out, so he doesn't have to look like a schmuck because he's now interested in this other girl but doesn't want to feel bad because he's potentially leaving you without a paddle. 

In other words, it's like saying, "It's not my fault, we're just incompatible".  Then no one gets blamed.  But it's just creating a story.  Trying to frame the world the way he wants to see it right now.  What's convenient right now.  And maybe you'll buy it!  Maybe you give credibility to that comment, and argue against it... . try to talk him out of it while he justifies it... . Only for him to come up with some other ridiculous thing.

[HardTruth]

It sort of reminds me of what my exBPD said when he (suddenly) broke up with me - I just don't find you sexually or romantically attractive in any way.  I wish I could be attracted to you.  I really tried to be.

Uh huh... .  

People can tell all kinds of stories on the fly.  And they hope that they'll stick.  It keeps them from having to deal with themselves.  And be honest with themselves.  Look at themselves.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . improvement for sure. Whew!

Does it feel like he's starting to really come out of his own fog, or do you think he's just on the upward cycle of the roller coaster ride going on inside his head and heart?

[bruceli]

When he says things like, "we're totally incompatible", it sounds to me like he's just making an excuse.  Giving himself an easy way out, so he doesn't have to look like a schmuck because he's now interested in this other girl but doesn't want to feel bad because he's potentially leaving you without a paddle. 

In other words, it's like saying, "It's not my fault, we're just incompatible".  Then no one gets blamed.  But it's just creating a story.  Trying to frame the world the way he wants to see it right now.  What's convenient right now.  And maybe you'll buy it!  Maybe you give credibility to that comment, and argue against it... . try to talk him out of it while he justifies it... . Only for him to come up with some other ridiculous thing.

Agreed... . DW says this all the time when she is under greater stress than usual.  Also totally agree with you about it being a an excuse/ cop-out for having to do something about their behavior in regards to working on the relationship.

[arabella]

HardTruth - Yup, I think you've made some great points! This is part of what frustrates me about being the person who is around him most often - I get blamed for everything. He's in a bad mood? My fault. He's stressed? My fault. He's confused? My fault. He's happy? Well, that's despite me. ARGH! He has a never-ending list of hoops for me to jump through (I'm not jumping unless it's something I want anyway) and an even longer list of justifications for the things he does (which I mostly tune out). Honestly, I have heard it all before, even the bizarre stuff - verbatim. HE thinks it's new but I remember having the conversations in the past, multiple times even. *sigh*

Had a conversation last night re possible living arrangements come Sept if we don't get back together. I'm not allowed to move so that he can have this apartment. Same debate we had when he left back in May. He'll feel guilty if I leave therefore I can't leave because he doesn't want to feel bad - even if it's the most practical solution and I'm offering to go. It's all about his feelings (but twisted to make it sound like it's all about me).

Grey Kitty - No, he's definitely still highly fogged. If memory serves (and I wish I'd take better notes 10 years ago), he's not due to defog until the early fall. Which is, unfortunately, past the time when he needs to decide whether to sign a year long lease somewhere else. Effing great timing. He's just pulled himself out of a small trench, I think. We've been talking and the more info I pull out of him the better his mood gets. But he resents that I'm asking so many questions. Whatever. He's speaking to me again and stopped with the fatalistic commentary.

So, today he came over at noon (cranky) then perked up, talked a bit, perked up more and was laughing and joking... . I dropped him off at home so he could have a few hours to himself then picked him up for dinner. He was in a foul mood again when I fetched him. Got better over dinner. Tried to cuddle, got rebuffed, was told that he's stressed - I asked if it was the same stuff and he said "that and just my own head". I left it at that and he went home. So, he's improving but still not out of this particular wooded area. Please send me strength, my patience is wearing a little thin (although he's working all weekend so I likely won't see him - which means he'll be really cranky by Monday. great.)

[Grey Kitty]

  Hang in there, arabella!

An observation: You seem to be a "good influence" on him, with him being in better spirits after spending more time with you.

A question: You sound worn down... . like coping with him up really takes it out of you. Do you think you need to do something different to take care of yourself?

[arabella]

Thanks for the hug, GK!

An observation: You seem to be a "good influence" on him, with him being in better spirits after spending more time with you.

I think he finds me soothing, but I know I'm not supposed to soothe him, so I'm not sure that it's a good thing? It's also juxtaposed to him tending to be in a worse mood after talking to his gf. I don't know why, but it seems to be fairly consistant. I think she frustrates him. Regardless, it would be nice if he could, you know, SEE THE PATTERN.

A question: You sound worn down... . like coping with him up really takes it out of you. Do you think you need to do something different to take care of yourself?

I am getting worn down. It's been more than 6 months now and I'm running out of energy for this. I'm hoping my new job will distract me, and I'm sure it will, but I also know that it's going to be yet another trigger for him. And the gf is due to arrive back here less than two weeks later. July isn't looking so good.

So, yes, I probably need to do something differently. I just am not sure what that would look like.