Thinks he's God?

[JaneRain]

My exBPD boyfriend came back to me after our break-up 4 days later, and we rekindled beautifully. Until last night. We went to a club, and he tried a certain illegal substance commonly used in clubs *ahemcough* for the first time and I was glad to see he was having a blast. I knew he was going to come down, though, but I was prepared to help him through that, but I had no idea what I was in for.

I'm obviously not going to stay with this guy. He thinks we're "still together" right now. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I'm so lost and confused and hurt, but I'm definitely stronger. Please keep in mind that viewer discretion is advised as I have possibly offensive and graphic material coming ahead.

My ex went from BPD, to a straight-up narcissist in just hours. He kept beating me down, and down, and down, abusing me verbally and emotionally. I told him to leave me alone and he kept going, and going. The look in his eyes when he does it is pure evil. No hatred, but rather he looks as if he's enjoying it. His voice becomes dramatic, cold. He becomes cynical. I've never met anyone like this before, and I've met my fair share of mentally ill people, having been one myself. He kept pushing these opinions and words and ideas on me, putting me down, I eventually started hyperventilating and entered a psychotic panic attack. I used to have Psychotic Depression, and making me go through that again is downright cruel and inhumane. I couldn't breathe, and I was crying so hard I almost threw up multiple times. Of course, his attitude "shifted" to the perfect, cuddly little boy who "loves" me and wants to protect me. Before he left for work, he beat me down again then left. I waited in his room for him for 6 hours, and when he came back, he was upset to see me sleeping. I thought it'd be cute, that way he could come in and cuddle up next to me and surprise me! But he told me that he thought it was stupid and that our "relationship" shouldn't be about cute things anymore. He said it was childish. Like he expects me to agree with him! Yeah right.

After verbally putting me down some more, he offers to take me out to dinner, so I agree and go with him. I'm still very disoriented and dazed from the panic attack and his more recent words. He asked me a question, I didn't answer. He then proceeds to slam my thigh full force and yells at me to answer. I must've had the deer in tailights look. I was SHOCKED. He HIT me? And it hurt! I don't have a bruise, so I don't even have proof.

Back at the house, he explains that he is the best person I will ever meet, and that he is better than me. That I am just a normal, ordinary girl, and he can get anyone he wants. That he is half-human and half-God. That he is "special". That he is more important and his ideas are priceless. That's just downright narcissism, which I've never seen from him til now. He tried to have sex with me twice, but I pushed him off, yelling at him no. He got close, but I persisted no and he got angry and shoved me, then slept away from me.

In the morning, he held me and slept with me again. I felt happier and more at ease, but still very conscious that I was being manipulated yet again. I already know his game. He tries to have sex with me again, and I explain that I'm not ready for that right now, that emotionally I just can't handle it. He doesn't listen, and keeps taking our clothes off, saying I want it. I tell him to stop. He's still being playful. He's kissing me all over and touching me and I'm now begging him to stop. He's very strong, he's a body builder, so if he holds me down, I really can't do much. He's saying I'll enjoy it and I'll like it, then I realize he's not going to stop this time. Now I'm frantic, begging him to please stop and he keeps going. I could've screamed, or really tried to push him off, or hit him with something. But I didn't. I just kept trying to move away and saying "no" "no" "please stop" and then he did it. He raped me. He says I had to have liked it, because I was "lubricated" and it didn't hurt. I just threw up from typing this too. I don't know what to do. I haven't cried, and I don't really feel sad. I just feel sick and ill and confused and dazed.

I'm going to stop the story here. I don't know what to do. I'm obviously not seeing this guy again, even though he thinks so. But I don't know what to do about MYSELF. How do I recover? I don't even know what emotions I'm feeling. I need help.

[danley]

Kelsey,

You do not deserve this. Verbal abuse is bad. Physical abuse is uncalled for. Please protect yourself and report this to the police. Confide in a close friend or relative.

Get help now!

[JaneRain]

Should I call the police? This is so overwhelming. I feel like they won't believe me and I don't want him to get in trouble. God... . what is wrong with me?

[danley]

You have to think about your safety first and foremost.

Yes. If I were you, I'd call the police. Who's to say he won't do it again? Or possibly things getting worse?

Right now you're in shock. Which is normal considering what you went through. This guy obviously has boundary issues and is violent and violated you. I know you feel lime the police won't believe you, but it's not about what they think. It's about letting them know so that they can take action to protecting you. If you don't tell someone now, you'll end up not saying anything at all later.

I know you're confused but there's nothing wrong with you.

Nobody deserves to be sexually assaulted! Think about yourself and your safety. Take precautions NOW before things get worse.

I know you're scared. But Yes, I think telling the police is the right thing to do.

[Grace58]

Sounds like the illegal substance triggered some mania (I am not a physician, this is just my uninformed opinion ) which, if the substance is what I think it is, is a well known potential risk of using the drug - in people with bipolar disease it can trigger a manic cycle.  Many BPDs have co-morbid bipolar disease. Whatever is happening with him, he is dangerous for you right now.

Please call the police - even if they do nothing, they will at least be aware of the situation.  Then be safe.  Go someplace safe, stay at someone else's house,  call the rape hotline in your community and get some counseling and assistance.  I am so sorry this happened to you.  Keep us posted.

[Clearmind]

KR, do you have a crisis center or domestic violence center near where you live? I understand your emotions are running high right now - we do need to ensure you protect yourself in the meantime.

[Want2know]

Should I call the police? This is so overwhelming. I feel like they won't believe me and I don't want him to get in trouble. God... . what is wrong with me?

I hope you are in a safe place now. 

I don't think it's a matter of whether they will believe you or not.  If you call the police and make a claim of rape, it is a criminal charge that they will pursue.  Is this what you want to do?

I think it would be very smart to call a domestic violence advocate.  We are sending you detail by personal message now.  They will help you out and walk you through some logistical steps, as well as offering you a safe place to be.

Let us know what's going on and how you are.

[JaneRain]

I don't want to press charges against him, but I don't feel right either. I feel like he NEEDS to be punished in some way for doing everything he has to me. He can't think it's okay. He'll think it's okay to do it to someone else, too. The saddest part is that I'm studying to be a PHD Psychologist, so I know what SHOULD do, but actually being IN the situation is so different. I feel pathetic and worthless, but again I know I haven't done anything wrong. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to say that to someone out loud. I want to just wish it all away and pretend it never happened, but I don't think that's the right thing to do.

[Clearmind]

Do you have a therapist?

[JaneRain]

Yes, I'm going to see her and ask her what I should do. I think I am going to report him. He's only gotten sicker and I'm scared of him. He threatened to hit me in the face and he told me awful, vile things and I have messages of him admitting to the rape and confessing it turned him on and he even admits he's sick. While I don't think he's a direct threat to murder anyone, I do think he has still lost his mind. I really just want to get him hospitalized, but I feel the only way to do that is to report my rape. I'm so scared about reporting it though. I feel like it will haunt me forever.

[rollercoaster24]

Dear JaneRain,

Oh God, I hear you.

My partner has all the very same faults, so please look after yourself and get some help and comfort for you. I too was recently verbally/psychologically and physically assaulted by my partner, it hurts really bad, and leaves you in a state of major shock, along with PTSD for quite some time. (In my case it wasn't the first time either, silly me)

There are elements evident of a sociopathic aspect to their personalities from what I have been told after speaking to Mental Health professionals, which means at times, they can 'snap' and seemingly have no conscience about the horrible things they say and do to people or their loved ones.

Their huge sense of entitlement and ego, comes from the narcissism and borderline too I guess.

The reason it hurts/shocks so much more, is that when they are being kind, they are so loving and romantic, we forget all about the things they said and did (sometimes just days/minutes before!).

If you read up on all the information here, and also out there on Google, you will understand what is going on with this guy, it will help validate how you feel, and put your mind at rest so to speak.

I know you know you cannot go back to him as he is, which is the very same for me, unless my ex-partner goes back to admitting he has a problem and takes the necessary steps to deal with that, the relationship will not work.

I cannot be around someone who is constantly aggressive in his manner, because he is in 'emotional pain'. It does my own head in, and I really don't need it, (as I have my own issues to deal with).

Likely, it is the same for you. Am I right?

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear all this, JaneRain! 

Good to hear you have a appointement with your T!

A DV Hotline could be very helpful how to proceed further. Is is a scary situation, and you need all available support.

[Rusalka]

Please save those messages and report him to the police. regardless of all else, he raped you and is now gloating about it. Talk to your therapist and they should be able to point you to a sexual assault group or specialist who can help you through this trauma.

[JaneRain]

I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me it's up to me if I report the rape, but she doesn't recommend it. She said the police and lawyers will grill me for going back to him after the rape, and make my story unbelievable. I mean, I went back because I was in shock and in denial because I wanted to pretend it never happened and I wanted to be back to normal. :/

She also told me that she doesn't think he's Borderline at all, that he sounds more schizophrenic! He "thinks he's special and he's half God half human" and he said he hears voices sometimes and that he's EXTREMELY paranoid and angry, that those are classic symptoms of schizophrenia. Funny, I've done so much research I wouldve thought I wouldve been able to notice!   :'(

[Want2know]

Hard to say without an official diagnosis.  The characteristics you mention are similar to my exbf (including hearing voices), who I felt was NPD, but he was never officially diagnosed.

Your therapist has a good point.  It's hard, I know.  I was raped and didn't report it - not my ex, and it was 25 years ago.  I just wanted to ignore it and go on with my life.  I was in no mental state to handle the intrusion into my life.  It was what it was, and I don't regret my decision.  A tough learning experience, and thankfully one I feel I have worked through (did EMDR therapy).

You now have a better picture of what an official report would entail.  Some choices in life are harder than others - this is one of them. 

[Rusalka]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like this and that the option to report him isn't really open to you. I hope you are in a safe place and can heal through this quickly.

[JaneRain]

I thought I was okay and that I'd moved on finally, because I haven't cried or felt sad. But right now I'm watching "Requiem for a Dream" for the first time and the love Marion & Harry have for each other is exactly how me and him were (without the drug addiction). He told me the sweetest things, and he would hold me and love me, and he would MEAN it. I saw in his eyes he MEANT it. He proved it through his actions and love. And then he does this to me. Months later. Tells me he never meant any of it and he had no intention of staying loyal or faithful to me. That he used me because he was lonely. That I'm horrible at sex. That the women he cheated on me with were better than me. That he never thought of me once while he was in Nicaragua visiting his parents, and he asked a girl he met there to be his girlfriend. That I'm fat and my breasts are gross. Everything was a lie. Everything. Everything I was so sure was real, wasn't. And he raped me. Did I do something wrong? Why would an innocent person ever need to go through that?

Sorry. I'm just very emotional right now. Everything is just hitting me at once.

[Want2know]

No, nobody deserves that.  If you said no, then he should have honored that. 

What you are saying he did... . saying he loved you like he meant it and then saying the mean things later is typical of what we've all went through here.  It makes you question yourself. 

That movie, Req for a Dream is harsh.  I remember being sick to my stomach watching some of the parts in that one.

I think it's great that you are seeing a therapist.  That's an important piece of your recovery.  I thought I could be fine on my own, but soon realized I couldn't and found a good therapist who helped me work through all I was experiencing.  Stick with it, and keep posting here.