Can new behaviours previously not seen arise if the nonBPD spouse tries to leave

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am in the early stages of considering leaving my BPD husband of 22 years (undiagnosed). There has never been any physical abuse or suicide attempts (or even threats), but then again, I've been completely committed to him all these years (until I finally "woke up" over a period of months - told 1 person, got some therapy, realized my physical and mental health were suffering etc.).

Anyways, my husband went to his high school reunion last week and came back all excited to tell me about seeing a classmate whose jaw he had broken for taunting him. He demonstrated the whole event over and over to me, insisting I watch and listen. He was quite proud of himself all these years later (30 to be exact). I was shocked as I knew he had beaten up his father once (which finally stopped the physically abuse the whole family had suffered under for over 15 years) but this was news to me. He then told me that this jaw-breaking incident was one of "at least 10" - all brought on by racial slurs.

I was really shocked as I'd never heard any of this in all our years of marriage. Now that I'm setting boundaries in our relationship and insisting he get an assessment and treatment (he sometimes will admit to needing psychiatric help) I've seen him become enraged more frequently when he doesn't get what he wants with me. I've had to deal with rages, name-calling etc. through our whole marriage but I'm worried that my shift in behaviour (where I also try more to give him positive feedback - he just looks at me suspiciously) may cause some violence to come out since it was such a part of his teenage years. The jaw-breaking event happened when he was only 15.

Any thoughts? Someone else warned me that I could see suicidal behaviours or verbalizations if it looks like we're actually going to split.

[dimples2]

I am in the early stages of considering leaving my BPD husband of 22 years (undiagnosed). There has never been any physical abuse or suicide attempts (or even threats), but then again, I've been completely committed to him all these years (until I finally "woke up" over a period of months - told 1 person, got some therapy, realized my physical and mental health were suffering etc.).

Anyways, my husband went to his high school reunion last week and came back all excited to tell me about seeing a classmate whose jaw he had broken for taunting him. He demonstrated the whole event over and over to me, insisting I watch and listen. He was quite proud of himself all these years later (30 to be exact). I was shocked as I knew he had beaten up his father once (which finally stopped the physically abuse the whole family had suffered under for over 15 years) but this was news to me. He then told me that this jaw-breaking incident was one of "at least 10" - all brought on by racial slurs.

I was really shocked as I'd never heard any of this in all our years of marriage. Now that I'm setting boundaries in our relationship and insisting he get an assessment and treatment (he sometimes will admit to needing psychiatric help) I've seen him become enraged more frequently when he doesn't get what he wants with me. I've had to deal with rages, name-calling etc. through our whole marriage but I'm worried that my shift in behaviour (where I also try more to give him positive feedback - he just looks at me suspiciously) may cause some violence to come out since it was such a part of his teenage years. The jaw-breaking event happened when he was only 15.

Any thoughts? Someone else warned me that I could see suicidal behaviours or verbalizations if it looks like we're actually going to split.

[morningagain]

Hi again dimples 

Listen to your gut if you are afraid your holding boundaries and especially leaving may provoke him to violence.  Make a plan that maximizes your safety and your children's safety.  I know others have been through situations like yours that have included violence ad threats, and you should be able to get a lot of good advice here on planning for safety now, a safe separation, and a subsequent safe life.

I wish I could offer you more advice, but at least you are in the right place to get that advice!

Jason

[dimples2]

Hi again Jason,

I'm finally back after a few busy days! I am in the planning stages. He's in a "love" phase right now, which of course could switch at any time. I'm working on a plan, getting some good advice and meeting with a lawyer who has dealt with high conflict people. I just want everything in place so I can exit quickly and look after myself and kids. He is very good at thinking on his feet (hard to win an argument with him ever) while I need to sit and think things through either before or after something has set him off (which past experience has shown me is the only way to deal with him). I'll be sticking to this board from now on although I posted a response in the other one just now.

Sylvia