Realizing you were angry

[Sharkey167]

When did you guys realize that you were filled with anger? I wouldn't call myself an angry person but I

had this feeling in me that I couldn't name. It does/did persisted for a long time.

Until it came to a boiling point for me and I made some poor decisions I didn't realize that what I was feeling was anger! I've been angry in the past but it was always a brief normal passing feeling. Not something that lingered like a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. It was just amazing to me that I didn't even recognize or realize how poisoned I was. Thankfully therapy and mindfulness and remaining focused on my own life has helped a lot but there is still some there.

Did it take anyone else a while before they realized that they felt so much poisonous negative anger in them?

[stop2think]

Hi Sharkey,

I value my independence an do not like when i was constantly pin-pointed about my lifestyle (who, when and why - w.r.t to meeting new people or guy friends). I am not an angry person too.

I realised i was 'angry' when he gave his silent treatment for 3 months, and continued blaming me.

Although i got frustrated with the dialy arguements and him yelling/abusing and blaming me, I believe i witnessed self rage after he dumped me - and i was trying to convince him to reconsider his decision, but his behavior and words grew harsher and colder.

[Murbay]

Good question and the honest answer is that I don't honestly know if I ever was angry.

I was an angry teenager but my time in the army I learned about controlled aggression and that anger is a secondary emotion caused by not addressing feelings of sadness, disappointment and frustration when they occur.

That's not to say I haven't felt anger about the whole situation, but it's usually fleeting because when I start to feel it, I address the other feelings I have first and look at why I'm feeling that way.

I do sometimes get frustrated at my own mistakes but look at the mistake and work out how I can address it, then be more proactive not to let it happen again. The last time I felt angry about my ex e-mailing every week, I realised that she needed to do that and that she doesn't have control over my feelings. I can choose to be angry at the fact she keeps e-mailing, despite the fact she was the one who said she didn't want me to contact her again, or I can see the other side in that she has to know everything so it was always inevitable.

My T was initially concerned when I told him I don't get angry, he was concerned that I was suppressing it and that healthy anger is acceptable. After explaining that I recognise anger but choose to deal with the feelings that are causing it before it builds up he was much happier. For those times where I wasn't allowed the space to do that, I would take myself out for a walk or go for a run. Previously I was involved in MMA and kickboxing so that was always a good outlet for if things start to build up.

[schwing]

I had a very very delayed "access" to my anger towards my xuBPDgf. 

For months after she left me, I was in shock, depressed and dysfunctional.  I knew I "should" be angry but could not find it within me.  I think I went through a lengthy period of "withdrawal" and "bargaining" even though she had clearly decided she was done with me.

Part of my difficulty was that throughout my BPD relationship there were many occasions when she had treated me in a way in which I should have, or did feel anger, but she was very good at placating my anger even though the manner in which we reconciled did not ever address the reasons why I was angry in the first place.  In a sense, I was conditioned not to express that anger towards her for many years.

And so when she finally left me, it was like all that backlogged anger got blocked up in me.

It took me months before I could start to access these feelings.  And then it took me years to work through these feelings.

Best wishes, Schwing

[bpdspell]

When did you guys realize that you were filled with anger? I wouldn't call myself an angry person but I

had this feeling in me that I couldn't name. It does/did persisted for a long time.

Until it came to a boiling point for me and I made some poor decisions I didn't realize that what I was feeling was anger! I've been angry in the past but it was always a brief normal passing feeling. Not something that lingered like a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. It was just amazing to me that I didn't even recognize or realize how poisoned I was. Thankfully therapy and mindfulness and remaining focused on my own life has helped a lot but there is still some there.

Did it take anyone else a while before they realized that they felt so much poisonous negative anger in them?

I was definitely angry but I had become so adept at repressing and hiding it that I wasn't even aware of how much it colored everything in my life! As a little girl I wasn't allowed to express anger or hurt feelings in my house so I quickly learned how to bottle up those feelings up without much thought. So in many ways I became intensely passive aggressive to express this hidden anger.

When the relationship with my ex ended it tapped into a rage that I never knew was humanly possible. Turns out that rage was waiting for the improperly healed scab to be ripped off by the right person: my uBPDexbf.

Turns out I've been angry with my parents for a loong time. And I'm glad I've finally found my peace by facing this pain.

Spell

[Ittookthislong]

I didn't recognize it till my brother told me I was different. that I was impatient all the time. I was so consumed with thought that I had no idea how I was coming off to others... . funny isn't it, its like getting bitten by a vampire, then becoming one

[danley]

For me I was probably angry a few months before my ex ended the relationship. It was getting tiring hearing my ex say he was gonna get his life together and yet he only went backwards. So y anger began pre breakup. After breaking up it was a mix of anger, hurt, and confusion because of his painting me black and insane thoughts and words about me and us. It was frustrating dealing with his sudden change in agenda. It sucked that he wasn't willing to man up and face his fears. Post breakup was filled with anger from both of us... . different view and different levels of emotional maturity and resilience. Today I'm not as angry. Probably because I am too tired from all the drama I went thru with him for the last four months. It really took a toll on me but it also helped me see things differently. I am putting my health and well being before his for a change. This has helped a lot.

[Billa]

I had a very very delayed "access" to my anger towards my xuBPDgf. 

For months after she left me, I was in shock, depressed and dysfunctional.  I knew I "should" be angry but could not find it within me.  I think I went through a lengthy period of "withdrawal" and "bargaining" even though she had clearly decided she was done with me.

that's exactly how I feel now, after four months, also the anger part... .

[xenia]

I really only experience anger in those moments I'm reminded of my "loss", and even then it's temporary. I know immediately that the primary emotion is sadness or hurt. It's very difficult for me to be legitimately angry with someone I love. I count that as a blessing.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I certainly relate to this topic! Yep, I was angry, damn right, and I had every flamin right to be, considering what was dished out to me for 3 years!

I always tried to do the right thing with that anger though, and the only times I ever lost my temper back, and served up some home truths to exBP were under extreme duress anyway, (trapped and unable to escape easily or safely).

I felt like a dog in a cage he had made for me, and he was poking me with a stick every second.

Or another symbol I could link it to, would be a novice boxer, being forced into a ring, with a champion boxer, and being made to fight for your life, (even though you didn't want to). There was no escaping that boxing ring, if I tried getting out, I would be dragged back in, and punched over and over, (poked) until I had to fight back.

Ironically, when I did fight back, I would only be stabbed to death anyway!

Symbolically of course, (although I did often worry about whether he would murder me in my sleep one day).

I still have residual anger today, but try and deal with it, by therapy, or walking, or using up that energy working or working at home. Blogging on here helps, as does talking with friends/family, I did keep a journal over the 3 years too, and started reading back over that a few days ago, to remind me of what he had done to me, so that I had those memories there every time I thought of a good one with him.

[Validation78]

Hey All!

Anger is a normal part of the grief process. If we are to truly heal and move on with our lives, we should move through the process fully, and accepting each and every emotion, is healthy!

I didn't want to feel anger, I fought it for the longest time, until one day, in my T's office, I expressed anger. She quickly validated me, and said she was worried because I hadn't done so yet. She acknowledged my right to be angry. I worked very hard to salvage a doomed marriage, despite the challenges. I had practiced wise mind to the extent that I was not my authentic self! Now, in a safe environment, I can be my authentic self again!

Bottom line, acknowledge, feel and process your anger. You've earned it, you will learn from it, and you will get past it when you put it into proper perspective!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Sharkey167]

Hey All!

Anger is a normal part of the grief process. If we are to truly heal and move on with our lives, we should move through the process fully, and accepting each and every emotion, is healthy!

I didn't want to feel anger, I fought it for the longest time, until one day, in my T's office, I expressed anger. She quickly validated me, and said she was worried because I hadn't done so yet. She acknowledged my right to be angry. I worked very hard to salvage a doomed marriage, despite the challenges. I had practiced wise mind to the extent that I was not my authentic self! Now, in a safe environment, I can be my authentic self again!

Bottom line, acknowledge, feel and process your anger. You've earned it, you will learn from it, and you will get past it when you put it into proper perspective!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Thank you all. Val I think you hit the nail in your post. I know for me acknowledgement that it's ok to be angry and that we have a right to be is huge.