Regret, guilt and shame

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I try to live by the principal of not deliberately harming another living being.

But at the end of my r/s I meant to and did inflict an emotional abuse on my exBPD.

It is a long story leading into the day I woke my ex up at 5 AM and told her to: "GTFO - you have 2 minutes" And the I repeated that. I went into my bedroom and savored my action. It felt really good - revenge for all the hurt and betrayal I had suffered.

But today (9 months n/c) it doesn't feel very good. She had layered trauma and I know my sudden wake up added another scar.

A few hours after she sent and email stating she never ever wanted to see or hear from me again and made it clear that she did not want to "suffer" an apology if I ever felt the need. That hurts too.

Many people have said "Atta boy - you finally stood up for yourself" and "She deserved it" but it just doesn't feel good today.

I do feel the need now to apologize but can't (she threatened to call the police if I ever contact her). So the best I can do is share my regret here and let it go into the cosmos.

I seek forgiveness.

Yes ... . she treated me badly but that did not justify my vengful and intentional action. I am truly sorry

[nolisan]

I try to live by the principal of not deliberately harming another living being.

But at the end of my r/s I meant to and did inflict an emotional abuse on my exBPD.

It is a long story leading into the day I woke my ex up at 5 AM and told her to: "GTFO - you have 2 minutes" And the I repeated that. I went into my bedroom and savored my action. It felt really good - revenge for all the hurt and betrayal I had suffered.

But today (9 months n/c) it doesn't feel very good. She had layered trauma and I know my sudden wake up added another scar.

A few hours after she sent and email stating she never ever wanted to see or hear from me again and made it clear that she did not want to "suffer" an apology if I ever felt the need. That hurts too.

Many people have said "Atta boy - you finally stood up for yourself" and "She deserved it" but it just doesn't feel good today.

I do feel the need now to apologize but can't (she threatened to call the police if I ever contact her). So the best I can do is share my regret here and let it go into the cosmos.

I seek forgiveness.

Yes ... . she treated me badly but that did not justify my vengful and intentional action. I am truly sorry

[Want2know]

All we can do with our past actions is learn from them.  We can't go back and change them.  Sounds like you learned something here, which is good. 

It's really hard because I did things when I was in my r/s that I never want to do again.  We were in precarious situations that brought out the worst in us.  I know for me, I tried to take the high road as often as I could, but sometimes the hurt I was feeling made me do things I knew were not what I wanted to do, yet it was an automatic response, at the time.  Fear, obligation, guilt.  Nasty little things, aren't they?

[Suzn]

It's good you are holding yourself accountable for your part. Looking back and seeing, now, owning where we can work to improve upon our own behaviors is progress. The hard part after this is forgiving ourselves. Noilson you were in a bad situation doing the best you could with the information you had. You know more today, you will do better going forward. 

[Grey Kitty]

I view that sort of thing as the simple, direct version of karma: You acted in a harmful way that day. That action had an immediate negative effect on yourself. You didn't realize it at the time, but now you do.

And you won't choose to act that way again.

[bb12]

I think shame is at the heart of personal growth Nolisan.

There is nothing else worthwhile about it. I read once that we feel guilt for what we do, and shame for who we are.

But shame is imposed. For me, shame is a familiar emotion. My FOO issues have to do with not being good enough... . and because it relates to who I am, it is shame-based.

We hook up with pwBPD because they are familiar too. They are the temporary remedy to the same FOO shame. But like the people who inflicted the initial shame, these lovers go on to be just as with-holding, dismissive, judging and shaming.

Like you, my strongest legacy emotion as I recover from narcissistic abuse, is regret and shame at some of the things I did.

But we can not let them off the hook like this! Our integrity and over-functioning sides are what got us into these crazy-making relationships in the first place. We should not let them dominate to the point of keeping us connected to them. We must let it all go: including the regret and shame.

My exBPD/NPD let fire with the silent treatment, and after the pleading and begging failed to work, I let rip with some very angry and hurtful voicemail messages. And they use this reaction to justify ongoing silence. Crazy catch 22.

But I forgive myself. I let it all go. And I know that in the moment, I was reacting as best I could. As nuts as it sounds, it was probably the most appropriate response at the time.

Hard to let ourselves off the hook isn't it? But it is so important to our recovery. I am finally getting better at it.

I am determined to retain my vulnerability and being open to pain. But I am never going to linger too long in shame again.

Hope you don't either!

Bb12