Are BPD/NPD materialistic?

[dancinginthelight]

Just something Ive been thinking about.

The exBPD that I was involved with seemed to be driven by money.

He seemed to hate the fact I was poor, in his eyes at least.

Funnily enough, when I met him, he had no Job and was struggling himself, yet

that did not bother me.  Ive never been materialistic myself.

My ex viewed a good education, to own ones home and have a car very important.

He liked money.

The new woman that he is with has all the above and he now seems happy with life 


The ironic thing is, the ex is supposed to be a "communist" in his beliefs.

Seems very hypocritical to me 

[HazelJade]

I can relate. Money and status seem to be a big part of the new relationship he has, when I couldn't care less, and I thought he was the same. His new girlfriend have posted things on FB that made me gasp for air, and made me feel embarrassed for her. It also helped me realizing how much the whole FB "relationship promotion" was simple window dressing.

I have had the same question you have, these are the things I thought:

- Status and wealth symbols are all part of the mask they needs to survive.

- Perhaps it all boils down to needing security.

[cal644]

Funny thing, the first thing my ex came back for was her jewelry, then months later she still wanted to be on a club membership I had where we only ate maybe 4 times a year. It's all about image for her.

[WalrusGumboot]

For my exBPDw, her unstoppable quest for material goods seemed to be tied for her quest for happiness. Everybody knows that high you feel when you buy something nice for yourself. For a short period of time, it stopped her pain, so it was a fix that she needed often.

Then there was the image that she wanted to portray to others. She was poor as a child and dropped out of school when she was 15. It was easier to portray herself as "someone" by driving European luxury cars, wearing fine clothes and jewelry, and having a big house than to put in the work to get educated and making something of herself.

It led us to near financial ruin. If the marriage did not end, we would have ended up in the poor house.

[SarahinMA]

Mine definitely was.  He has a good job where he makes a lot of money, so was constantly purchasing gadgets, expensive clothes, things he would never use.  He drives a very expensive sports car, yet continues to share a house with friends and also blamed me as the reason he was in debt (because he always insisted on paying for dinner and everything). 

I think his materialism is tied to his very fragile ego... . he thinks if he drives a nice car, wears expensive clothes, then people will like him more. 

[Reg]

Hi,

Very familiar situations to me also.  In her previous relationship/marriage my ex seems to have been buying cars every year, most of the BMW, and it is very clear that she feels a bit better, for a very short time after she was able to buy something.  Her excuse was that she sold them later for the same price or a better one.  When I confronted her with the real costs (transport, annual taxes, taxes for a new or second hand car, tax plates, etc here in Belgium), and how much money it made her loose, she wasn't happy with that at all.

The fact that she also wanted her own house, which was never perfect enough, has brought her to the point that she had to sell her first house, and now even her second one.

She is always saying that she is not materialistic at all, but in the end she is, and I think this has indeed to do with the fact that she has a very low and fragile self esteem, so that this gives them some status in their eyes, not understanding that having a real identity is much more attractive... .

[crystalclear]

On researching on PDs particularly NPD and BPD (for months), I learnt they attach materialistic (lifestyle) to winning respect from people around them, NPDs particularly could be quite materialistic. They enjoy being the center of attention/attraction and look for opportunities to parade their possessions - people, knowledge or objects.

There could also be a cross-over of disordered behaviors. My exbf has many traits of BPD, NPD and passive-aggressive behavior. He always told me he would do any job as long as it PAID him good money. If i wanted to buy something but i could not afford, he would buy (even when he never really thought of it before) - but not for me, but for his own use. He never mentioned of owning swanky cars or a mansion but he mentioned he was 'power hungry'. He would flaunt his parents' network/connections in restaurants and to friends (incl. mine) like they were his own.

[bpdspell]

She is always saying that she is not materialistic at all, but in the end she is, and I think this has indeed to do with the fact that she has a very low and fragile self esteem, so that this gives them some status in their eyes, not understanding that having a real identity is much more attractive... .

Yes. They have a very unstable sense of self; essentially no identity and are a mosaic of the personalities of the people they have come across in their lifetimes. They really don't know who or what they are and in a sense the material things numb or relieve their sense of emptiness and emotional vacuum of lostness.

In Western culture we are conditioned to find our sense of worth in material things: cars , house, achievement and success but without meaningful connection to ourselves or a foundation, a sense of being on purpose... . most of us will know that empty jar feeling of hollowness because material things can never make us feel whole. A car is a car, a house a house, a mansion a mansion, champagne is a drink... . those things can never make us feel whole or connected to unconditional love.

We are duped into believing that material wealth is to be coveted because it deems us more valuable in the eyes of others and this is why BPD's (and none) can be prone to this thinking as well. In reality it is a shallow form of validation that only soothes temporarily.

This is explains why we can give and give and pour and pour and give and give to them and it's never enough... . because you can't buy someone's love and you can't soothe someone's disconnection with material things.

Spell

[heartcoaster]

My ex was super materialistic!  After the r/s ended, she wanted her stuff and a good part of mine, which she claimed she was entitled to.  Some of it had no sentimental value but she knew it would annoy me.  She claimed because I made so much more money, it was "only fair" if she got things such as the TV and speakers.  I let her have more than was actually hers - called it a bargain for getting out of the chaos.

[snappafcw]

This is actually the bit of my fallout with my exuBPDgf that still scars me. I did everything for her. I don't have much but i never let her go without. I helped her with her bills, paid for all our dates, her haircuts ect I was always spoiling her and trying to make her happy. Then towards the end when she was painting me black she said I don't work enough and earn enough money... . and she held it against me that I don't have a car right now.

That hurt me deep. Telling a man he doesn't earn enough money is like telling a woman she isn't pretty enough. I make my own money. I'm self reliant... . Ive started my own business trying to better myself as well has having a pretty decent career in music. My self esteem just completely went with her selfish statements and I still haven't got it back 6 months on and now I'm scared of falling for someone.

[Lucky Jim]

Yes, for me, too.  Agree with you Walrus and BPDSpell, the quest for material things is tied into the bottomless pit of need for a pwBPD.  I used to have a motto "Never enough" to describe my BPDexW.  She was constantly looking to move into a new house, new neighborhood, new town, new whatever, which used to drive me crazy.  Now I see that it is all part of the disorder.  By the way, she ruined me financially, but so what?  I'm still here and slowly rebuilding my life.  Thanks to all, Lucky Jim

[mcc503764]

Most definately!  My x is the most materialistic, vain b*&ch on the planet.  When times were tough for me, she left... . Now that things are improving for me and I am making substantial gains, she is jealous... .

MCC

[expos]

My ex was VERY materialistic.

She grew up in a resort town, worked a yacht/boat launch club in high school and was around millionaires.  The thing is, her family was very middle class, but she just had higher standards.

She even joined a rowing/crew team in college – even though she hated sports – just to be around the guys who had rich parents.

I have documented in this forum about how she always wanted bigger and better things.  Bigger diamond ring AFTER marriage, better cars, a cottage for the summer.  We bought a brand new home in the suburbs (it was on the Parade of Homes in our town for its architectural design!) and she had the gall while at a party we threw to call it our “nice little starter home” to the guests who attended.

I’ve been divorced for 8 months now and 2 or 3 months after we split she started sleeping with one of the IT Director's of the company she works for (the guy makes $100K, while I make $70K).  And the thing is, he is NOT GOOD LOOKING at all.  He is very overweight, 33 years old but looks about 45 years old, and is the type of guy who most attractive girls with options would NEVER want to sleep with.   They do not look compatible at ALL.   This is the type of guy she often told me she’d be repulsed by!   It’s clearly about what he can give her. 

I have seen candid photos of them together.    What I notice is that she is never looking at him in any of the photos, he’s always standing behind her, etc.  There is one particular shot where he has his arm around her shoulder and she has this bored look on her face.   The funny thing is that it doesn’t hurt to look at them together.   I’m not envious of him, I feel he has nothing on me.   In fact, he’s the one who has stalked me on LinkedIn! 

Meanwhile, I’m bouncing around 8% body fat, played D-1 football in college, look about 25 years old (I’m actually 34) and just landed a beautiful woman of my own.  This is the type of woman that my ex-wife would be immensely jealous of because she is thinner and very photogenic (and yes, I posted shots of her on my Facebook page!).   I almost feel compelled to post her photo on this forum, because she is stunning, but I’ll respect her privacy.

So good luck to my materialistic, non-sexual ex-wife and her heart attack in the making new boyfriend.   I'll be just fine!

[VeryFree]

Mine wasn't up to about a year ago. After that everything was about money.

After our separation it looks like she's only after money and goods. My money and my goods to be precise.

I don't think that's materialism, I think it's either hate against me or trying to hurt me or trying to cling on to something she herself ended.

[mcc503764]

just landed a beautiful woman of my own.  This is the type of woman that my ex-wife would be immensely jealous of because she is thinner and very photogenic (and yes, I posted shots of her on my Facebook page!).   I almost feel compelled to post her photo on this forum, because she is stunning, but I’ll respect her privacy.

So good luck to my materialistic, non-sexual ex-wife and her heart attack in the making new boyfriend.   I'll be just fine!

All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU!  I think that's the best way to MOVE ON... . let them drown in their own mess, and prove to the world and to YOURSELF that you have moved past that horrific chapter of YOUR life!

Congrats!

MCC

[tailspin]

dancing,

People without a clear sense of self will be forced to define themselves in other ways... . through their job, their possessions, their partner, etc.  They may appear materialistic, however, what you're most likely seeing is the narcissism they need to overcompensate for this feeling of inadequacy and emptiness. 

tailspin

[expos]

just landed a beautiful woman of my own.  This is the type of woman that my ex-wife would be immensely jealous of because she is thinner and very photogenic (and yes, I posted shots of her on my Facebook page!).   I almost feel compelled to post her photo on this forum, because she is stunning, but I’ll respect her privacy.

So good luck to my materialistic, non-sexual ex-wife and her heart attack in the making new boyfriend.   I'll be just fine!

All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU!  I think that's the best way to MOVE ON... . let them drown in their own mess, and prove to the world and to YOURSELF that you have moved past that horrific chapter of YOUR life!

Congrats!

MCC

Thanks!  It's pretty crazy.  My new girl loved this photo I took of her (I do photography on the side and have a great set of lenses) so much that she used it as her new profile pic.  In one day, she received 80+ likes on the photo and another 15 complimentary comments. 

Then, a few friends texted me out of the blue and said "damn, she is REALLY hot". 

It does make me feel good.  I'm pretty sure my ex-wife would love to see me fail, but I proved otherwise... . and you can best bet that she's creeped my Facebook page to see HER replacement after I mentioned it to her the last time we had to speak.

[mcc503764]

I am truly happy for you, but remember... . KEEP YOUR GUARD UP!  Don't allow any opportunity for your x to come in contact with your current!  Trust me, don't put anything past your x!

Be proactive... . you don't need to tell your current about your x in specific detail, but be sure to tell her just enough so that she understands the picture that your x is a boundaryless, manipulating, and jealous person!  This way, if she is ever in contact with your current, she (current) wont be surprised with a picture that your x paints of you!

Even with facebook, remember to tread lightly!  Yes it feels good to rub your x's nose in s%^t, but if she is anything like mine, she will strike when you least expect it and try and sabatoge your happiness!

I had to delete my facebook, because I was sick of the thought that my x still stalked me... . it just wasn't worth the mental energy / stress anymore!

Best of luck with your new relationship, God knows, WE DESERVE IT!

MCC

[Clearmind]

Sense of entitlement and place their needs above that of others.

Just something Ive been thinking about.

The exBPD that I was involved with seemed to be driven by money.

He seemed to hate the fact I was poor, in his eyes at least.

Funnily enough, when I met him, he had no Job and was struggling himself, yet

that did not bother me.  Ive never been materialistic myself.

My ex viewed a good education, to own ones home and have a car very important.

He liked money.

The new woman that he is with has all the above and he now seems happy with life  


The ironic thing is, the ex is supposed to be a "communist" in his beliefs.

Seems very hypocritical to me  

Its a huge   that was ignored dancing!

I will declare   that I also missed the red flag - My ex lived in my house and wanted me to buy new furniture, rugs, clothes dryer to make it more comfortable for him. All I bought was a dryer and I am glad I did  - However all that said - why did I ignore it?

I was too fearful to say anything to the contrary because I did not want him to leave - I fear being alone and feared being abandoned. So, I said nada, zero, zilch. Then when we split I was so resentful of his sense of entitlement. I had no one else to point the finger than at myself.

No boundaries ----> Anger---->Resentment------>Conflict

[charred]

I can relate. Money and status seem to be a big part of the new relationship he has, when I couldn't care less, and I thought he was the same. His new girlfriend have posted things on FB that made me gasp for air, and made me feel embarrassed for her. It also helped me realizing how much the whole FB "relationship promotion" was simple window dressing.

I have had the same question you have, these are the things I thought:

- Status and wealth symbols are all part of the mask they needs to survive.

- Perhaps it all boils down to needing security.

The "relationship status" thing on FB ... . dead on. They want to tell the world and themselves that they are in a wonderful relationship. Later, when upset, they want to unfriend you, and tell everyone in the world how terrible you are. They want sex and money... . but rather than earn it in a genuine relationship, and by working, they tend to go directly for it. A person feels very different when they earned money vs took it from someone. Sex for a pwBPD can be just another manipulation, something they do to hook you and keep you around, much as lies and manipulations are in general... . after a while it is a lot of trouble if the feelings are not genuine. When they get in the hater phase... . you frequently get to hear about how they really feel... . and its cutting, as they are observant and seem to keep a list of every little thing you do that bothers them.

As to them being materialistic... . yes certainly. There are differences between BPD/NPD... . I think many of the top people in some big companies are NPD, in any event there is a fantastic explanation of NPD folks in the free NPD.pdf file you can find by searching for "What makes a Narcissist Tick"... . it is dead on accurate from my experience. Wish there were as good a book explaining BPD in the same manner.

[Jep]

     I thought my ex was very materialistic. It sort of went with the shallow, phony aura that surrounded her. Spending on material things was out of control. When she moved out she took absolutely everything she could. I'm actually embarrassed to say she took the toilet paper... . OFF the holders in the bathrooms. Strange but during her rants she would call me petty.

     I'm very new here, and have little understanding still. I went through 9 terrible years with this woman, and I'm just getting a sense of what was going on.

     Besides the material stuff I always felt the grass is greener vibe off her. I got her a new car, she wanted a better one. She would get a good job, but still search the classifieds for another. And of course, she had a good man, but searched and searched until she found one she thinks better.

[danley]

My ex wasn't materialistic by nature. He had simple tastes. But during his marriage his wife was very materialistic. She had a liking for the best of the best. She needed a maid to come clean the house even tho she worked three days a week. She needed paid vacations and the like. When my ex and I started dating he'd buy me things and I'd tell him I didn't want materialistic things but preferred quality time with him instead. He was happy but I think it made him scared too because he was used to buying affection.

My ex did have a shopping problem in general. I think it made him feel better. I always joked that he liked shopping more than me. But I realized it was a problem when I first went to his place and it was filled with so much things. And top of that, he has a storage space filled with more stuff. I think he also has a problem with letting things go. He'd have new in boxes... . DVDs, game consoles, shoes, radios, toys, new clothes, sports equipment,  etc. All his stuff became a source of stress for him because he didn't like paying storage fees.

I wouldn't call him materialistic but he surely had a shopping addiction to make him feel better.