Mixed signals?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex broke NC with me two days ago by contacting me through my work number. Unfortunately I continued to allow her to contact me on my personal phone. We agreed after the first night not to talk, but then she texted me in the morning asking if I was doing okay after talking to her and then she texted me later that night as well. Our mutual mentor told me to let her die in my mind and emotions and anytime I think of her I need to put flowers on her grave... . So my ex sent me a picture of herself and said "this is for our eulogy" "rip" the she said "he put flowers on my grave and said goodbye" "I'm dead to him I don't exist" --- I asked her why she was doing that and she called and we talked for about 5 hours telling me how wrong she was and how texting me that stuff helped her in her mind. It seemed pretty crazy to me... .

Then this morning she calls me on the way to work at 5am and asked how I was doing and if we could talk tonight... . She called me and basically told me how she didn't want to give me false hope but that she can't imagine me with someone else -- she said she was putting me on the shelf... . She said "imagine we are a candle... . I'm blowing us out... . And putting us on the shelf... . So one day I can relight us again." Lol when do you get the choice to decide when to blow us out and relight all by yourself? She said she is in therapy and is working out her problems... . She would imply that she wanted to be with me in the future but would relieve herself of any responsibility by saying "I can't give you any hope". I told her that she was implying hope and she said "well yea I'm implying it but I never said it!" Lol

Idk I'm so confused -- was this whole thing just to get me on the hook? Or do you think there is hope?

[Ahhhh431]

So my ex broke NC with me two days ago by contacting me through my work number. Unfortunately I continued to allow her to contact me on my personal phone. We agreed after the first night not to talk, but then she texted me in the morning asking if I was doing okay after talking to her and then she texted me later that night as well. Our mutual mentor told me to let her die in my mind and emotions and anytime I think of her I need to put flowers on her grave... . So my ex sent me a picture of herself and said "this is for our eulogy" "rip" the she said "he put flowers on my grave and said goodbye" "I'm dead to him I don't exist" --- I asked her why she was doing that and she called and we talked for about 5 hours telling me how wrong she was and how texting me that stuff helped her in her mind. It seemed pretty crazy to me... .

Then this morning she calls me on the way to work at 5am and asked how I was doing and if we could talk tonight... . She called me and basically told me how she didn't want to give me false hope but that she can't imagine me with someone else -- she said she was putting me on the shelf... . She said "imagine we are a candle... . I'm blowing us out... . And putting us on the shelf... . So one day I can relight us again." Lol when do you get the choice to decide when to blow us out and relight all by yourself? She said she is in therapy and is working out her problems... . She would imply that she wanted to be with me in the future but would relieve herself of any responsibility by saying "I can't give you any hope". I told her that she was implying hope and she said "well yea I'm implying it but I never said it!" Lol

Idk I'm so confused -- was this whole thing just to get me on the hook? Or do you think there is hope?

[danley]

A candle? I get the picture but It seems selfish coming from her mouth. It sounds like she's wants to control the situation.  Shouldn't ignition be a mutual agreement? 

She doesn't want to give you false hope but yet doesn't want to see you with someone else? Well, her even mentioning this is selfish. Minus the false hope part and what you're left with is that she just doesn't want to see you with anyone else. How long are you suppose to be on the shelf waiting to be lit up? I think she doesn't want to see you with someone else period.

The thing about her saying she doesn't want to give false hope is her saying she doesn't want to commit to it. Yes she's implying she wants a future but not really saying it. My ex did the same thing. Said he didn't wanna give false hope but maybe there was a chance we'd get back together down the line. A few weeks later I brought up what he said and he claims that when he said false hope that I was confused as to what it meant. He basically tried to retract his false hope statement. I believe he said the false hope thing out of fear of being totally abandoned by me and so to keep me hooked, he used the false hope line. I also believe he could have said it to soften the blow of breaking up. I believe he might have been sincere but his big thing was that he wasn't going to make promises anymore to me that he couldn't keep. No sense of commitment or ownership to anything. 

[Ahhhh431]

A candle? I get the picture but It seems selfish coming from her mouth. It sounds like she's wants to control the situation.  Shouldn't ignition be a mutual agreement?  

She doesn't want to give you false hope but yet doesn't want to see you with someone else? Well, her even mentioning this is selfish. Minus the false hope part and what you're left with is that she just doesn't want to see you with anyone else. How long are you suppose to be on the shelf waiting to be lit up? I think she doesn't want to see you with someone else period.

The thing about her saying she doesn't want to give false hope is her saying she doesn't want to commit to it. Yes she's implying she wants a future but not really saying it. My ex did the same thing. Said he didn't wanna give false hope but maybe there was a chance we'd get back together down the line. A few weeks later I brought up what he said and he claims that when he said false hope that I was confused as to what it meant. He basically tried to retract his false hope statement. I believe he said the false hope thing out of fear of being totally abandoned by me and so to keep me hooked, he used the false hope line. I also believe he could have said it to soften the blow of breaking up. I believe he might have been sincere but his big thing was that he wasn't going to make promises anymore to me that he couldn't keep. No sense of commitment or ownership to anything.  

My ex definitely said she felt in her heart that we would be together but that she couldn't tell me that ... . She said she is in counseling and seeking help and she just isn't in a place to commit or choose yes or no. But I think I deserve someone who knows they want to be with me.  She said in the past she doesn't trust her decisions -- she was afraid to make the wrong choice in a husband and she wants to be emotionally whole before she makes a decision-- a definitely understand that. But at the same time why would you even imply hope for the future if you know your not in the position to make that decision -- and truthfully after what she did to me she should be the one with no hope for us. It seems so backwards. Do you think that she is just stringing me along or that there was genuine desire for the future?

My ex also did want to make a promise she couldn't keep

[Blessed0329]

I used to get mixed messages like this all the time, words he spoke contradicted by actions, things said one day that changed drastically the next. The candle image seems very poetic and romantic. My ex was great at painting these word portraits, and romanticizing ordinary events.

It sounds like she is not ready to commit, but wants you to be on the sidelines, waiting for her, pining for her. She might want to resume your relationship. Then again, she might not, but she wants you to be available when and if she decides yes.

She may never figure it out. Do you want to wait for her in the event that she does? Or do you believe you should take care of yourself during this time? I spent way too much time trying to figure out my ex. This kept me from having to look at myself. My advice to you is to first decide what you really want.

[Ahhhh431]

I used to get mixed messages like this all the time, words he spoke contradicted by actions, things said one day that changed drastically the next. The candle image seems very poetic and romantic. My ex was great at painting these word portraits, and romanticizing ordinary events.

It sounds like she is not ready to commit, but wants you to be on the sidelines, waiting for her, pining for her. She might want to resume your relationship. Then again, she might not, but she wants you to be available when and if she decides yes.

She may never figure it out. Do you want to wait for her in the event that she does? Or do you believe you should take care of yourself during this time? I spent way too much time trying to figure out my ex. This kept me from having to look at myself. My advice to you is to first decide what you really want.

I know I need to focus on myself -- waiting around for her would make me pause my progress towards a healthy and whole self and relationship. I would be lying to say I wouldn't consider her in the future, but only if she was whole. I feel like the behavior she displayed shows that she is not ready to commit and I don't want someone who isn't sure about me. If your not sure in the beginning you won't be sure when the tough times come and I want someone who is willing to work through whatever it takes to keep the marriage healthy and strong.

[danley]

I understand how you feel torn... . hopeful yet scared. I feel the same way. But I have to remember that if my ex can go from loving me to hating me in a few days time and end things, who's to say he can't do it again. I truly want my ex to heal and become aware of his problems AND learn to take responsibility. Like you, I teeter on the fence on whether or not to be hopeful or not. But I refuse to assume anything beyond what's in front of me. I know I don't deserve to be treated like an option and a secret. It really plays a number on your self esteem when your ex claims to love you deeply but yet was ashamed to be with you in the end. I don't want to be with someone who chooses his appearance over me.

I have seen positive changes in my ex and I am happy about it. But I wonder why the change in the last month? Was it something I said? Did he decide to make changes on his own? Its not a complete turnaround but i see and hear his efforts to be caring. I know I should be happy period. But I wonder. I feel mixed feelings too from my ex. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for a future together. But I can't tell what's up from down right now and I don't want to have expectations when they don't match up with my ex. So, all I can do is not get my hopes up high and continue to keep my heart safe.

Keep doing the same Ahhhh431. Guard your heart. Protect your spirit. If your ex is genuine and truly wants to make an effort and makes changes in herself for the better than I'd say that's awesome. Just be careful. Proceed with caution.

[Ahhhh431]

My ex contacted me for 4 days straight... . everytime in which she basically said it was so hard for her to not talk to me because I was her best friend... . she said she wished we had never started talking again as it was like losing me all over again... . she told me she knows in her heart what will probably happen with us but she didn't want to tell me as she was scared it would give me hope... . that basically implied hope?  

Me and my ex are 6 years apart... . I am 22 she is 28... . She called me after work to tell me that a new guy she was training was 26 and his wife is 35... . She wanted me to know that she thought it was so cool... . it was almost like she needed other people to have the age difference to feel okay with having an age difference between us.

She told me she didn't really think about me before we talked on the phone and she saw me in person... . she said "its kind of like out of sight out of mind" -- so basically she had forgotten how she felt about me until she heard from me and saw me? anyways she told me that if we were to get together in the future there might be something wrong with me because of all that she put me through... . I told her that when someone is willing to forgive and move on it doesn't show there is something wrong, it shows there is commitment and they love you enough to work it out instead of giving up on you.  She sat in silence for 10 minutes and finally said "That scares me" I asked her what and she said "commitment" she said she had to go to bed and we hung up and I haven't heard since... .

What the heck just happened .  She was constantly saying "I don't want to give you hope... . but" and then imply hope... .

I struggle with wondering why she called me, when really I should figure out why I answered.

[Blessed0329]

Ahhh, I have spent an entire year trying to understand my ex, trying to figure out why he does the weird and contradictory things he does. My therapist has been in this endeavor with me. However, my pastor keeps telling me to forget why he does this or that. He tells me I can't control what my ex does, I can only control myself. He had hammered that into my brain until I think I finally get it. You will waste countless hours trying to understand your ex, who probably doesn't even know herself why she does most things.

[Clearmind]

Ahhhh431, what is the difference between this

“"imagine we are a candle... . I'm blowing us out... . And putting us on the shelf... . So one day I can relight us again."

AND

“I will have very fond memories of our relationship, however I think we would both agree that the time has come to part ways. I wish all the best in your future”.

hit__

Which is clearer and which one would come from the mouth of an emotionally mature adult?

[Cooper10]

Ahhh, I have spent an entire year trying to understand my ex, trying to figure out why he does the weird and contradictory things he does. My therapist has been in this endeavor with me. However, my pastor keeps telling me to forget why he does this or that. He tells me I can't control what my ex does, I can only control myself. He had hammered that into my brain until I think I finally get it. You will waste countless hours trying to understand your ex, who probably doesn't even know herself why she does most things.

I identify with this so much.  I spent countless hours trying to analyze and reanalyze and explain and understand my ex's behavior, why he said one thing and did another, why he claimed to believe certain things and then acted so contrary to those beliefs.  I talked about it over and over and over again.  For some reason I had to understand it.  It was a compulsion.  His behaviors didn't make sense and I had to make them make sense!  I began to fill in the gaps with my own narrative details about what he was thinking or feeling to make it all make sense.  I was overwhelmed with empathy for him and I wanted to get inside his head and try to make this work.

But in the end, I was trying to discern the identity of someone who didn't know his own.  I was trying to rationalize behaviors that were irrational and completely emotional.  I was trying to explain things that defied logic.  It's as simple as that: it doesn't make sense because it's not supposed to.  These behaviors don't exist in rational reality.  This is a mental health problem that can't be reasoned or explained away.

I, too, then had to turn to myself and try to ask myself why it was so important to me to make sense of all of this and so difficult for me to just accept it and let it go.  I realized that those are answers I have the ability to find and make sense of, and only then can I choose to be unaffected by the extreme inconsistencies and hurtful behavior.  One key to that has been to become equally unaffected by idealization and devaluation.  I had gotten to where I was deeply hurt by some of the horrible things my ex said but overjoyed with the positive things he said.  Then, I chose not to believe or be hurt by the bad things but I still derived some happiness from the good things.  Finally, I started to realize how much of my own identity was wrapped up in what he thought of me and how important it was for me to derive my identity elsewhere.  I am not what my ex thinks of me--good or bad.  I may have some of those attributes or negative qualities, but that is not because he thinks or says them.  Realizing my worth apart from his irrational, inconsistent views thereof has been what has finally gotten me on the road to detachment.

[DrNoClue]

OMG... . Run! I understand so much how enticing and seductive and good it feels for her to want you... . but what do you want?  I'm new to this site and probably am not offering much advice, but at the same time, I'm feeling "run!" Is that wrong?

[GreenMango]

Hmmm... . I'm not sure how flattering, endearing, and what speaks of a loving relationship more than being compared to a candle (object) that can be blown out and shelved until the next hoorah.

Mind blowingly high school romantic fantasy stuff there.  But hey what can you do?  Buy into it or not - its up to you Ahhhh.

[WXYZ]

OMG... . Run! I understand so much how enticing and seductive and good it feels

for her to want you... . but what do you want?  I'm new to this site and probably

am not offering much advice, but at the same time, I'm feeling "run!" Is that wrong?

I'm new to this site too. I agree with DrNoClue. Run far, run fast. You cant spend

your life as a 'candle sitting on the shelf' waiting for someone else to decide your

future for you. It's your life ... .

[Ahhhh431]

Hmmm... . I'm not sure how flattering, endearing, and what speaks of a loving relationship more than being compared to a candle (object) that can be blown out and shelved until the next hoorah.

Mind blowingly high school romantic fantasy stuff there.  But hey what can you do?  Buy into it or not - its up to you Ahhhh.

Yea that's what I was thinking. She basically sees me as an object that she can put on her shelf until she needs me again. I can't tell if she genuinely has feelings for me or is just playing me. Thank God I have a session with my T today and hopefully I can talk some of this out.

[recoil]

It doesn't matter if her feelings are genuine or if you are being played, the end result is the same.

I used to wonder that was well. 

In time, you will see the interaction for what it was and be thankful you are no longer a part of it.