How did you leave? or stop the recycling?

[Learning_curve74]

Technically I should be on the undecided board, but I want to learn why and how people here on the leaving board came to the decision to leave. Or if your pwBPD left you then how did you end the recycling.

My pwBPD says she loves me, can't be with me, but doesn't want to stop being with me (on her terms). She has almost always been trying to have guys on the side ever since I first got close to her, and I am trying to decide what to do. She is aware of her BPD and other comorbid conditions (PTSD, bipolar, substance abuse), she doesn't rage in my presence, and can be very loving and caring. She said she has been on the verge of committing suicide since I first told her about possibly leaving and going NC. Our story is a lot like many of the other ones I've read about here on bpdfamily. She says the other guys don't mean anything, that she loves me, that I'm her whole world. I have told her that I don't believe her, because if they never meant anything then she would never had cultivated those relationships. That makes sense to us nons, but I can tell she struggles with her twisted BPD-logic.

I have a strong "can do" attitude since that is just about the only reason I have had any measure of success in my life. I also tend to see the good side of people and hate to give up on them. I am extremely patient and am very good at delayed gratification. At the same time, I know that I can never change another person but can only support them if they choose to try. I know her ex-husband and her last boyfriend must have tried very hard to make their relationship work, and I do not think I am any smarter or stronger than they are, so I feel very defeated. I have zero illusions that "love conquers all" or that she will change without probably hitting rock bottom and maybe not even then. But I still haven't been able to leave her.

What things or series of events and thoughts brought you to the decision to leave?

[danley]

My ex left me in the end. We never had recycling episodes per say like I've read on here. We never broke apart the three years together but his fears and buckets of fears of everything was there. I can't imagine breaking up and getting back together in circles. The one breakup was hard enough for me. In a sense, I'm glad we didn't go thru that.

The only type recycling we did was his black and then white thinking about me and the relationship. It was tiring and made me feel like he was unsure of us. But then the next day I'd be on his good list. As is right now I am freaked out about recycling in terms of breaking up and getting back together after reading people's experience with it.

It's funny because my ex had a love conquers all attitude when with me. But now I'm thinking it was him mirroring me because I always felt towards that way. I don't know what the exact signs are to look for in recycling but I'm sure it will feel like a push and pull. I'm sure others here with more experience can tell you.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I'd had enough. I went back 10-11 hell maybe 12 times or more. I had an extreme situation that got me out but as time has gone on and I've learned more I just can't go back. I can't take the double standard the blame the hate and abuse. It wasn't healthy. I deserve better. So it sucks it hurts and its going to take me some time to heal but its better to sever the connection and do it like ripping a band aid, doing it as fast as possible.

[Octoberfest]

I finally walked away because I saw that it would never get better. That no matter how hard I tried, what steps we took, she would always cheat.  I left because I discovered her yet again dating another guy at the same time as me.  During the relationship she cheated on me with AT LEAST 5 people in the span of 9 months.  She was dating 3 guys in 3 different cities at one point.  It broke my heart, but I had to muster the strength to walk away.  It has been hell for the past almost 3 months since I did it, but I couldn't keep doing it.  She is a cheating, lying whore and I deserve better.

[papawapa]

I got tired of living in the "ground hog day" repetitiveness of the relationship. She kept doing the same things over and over again. I reached the point where I felt like Popeye, "I had all I can stands and I can't stands no more." Something had to change. She kept threatening to leave and I made her leave.

[Clearmind]

When I buried myself and my worth so far into the ground I literally collapse from exhaustion. I simply could not physically or emotionally carry on.

[twester65]

We had half a dozen breakups, the longest lasting about 4 months. I found that I was starting to initiate breakups - even asking for the keys to my apartment in one of the later ones. When he walked out that last time, things in my own life had started to unravel. Some of this was my own fault, but a lot of it was due to the troubles my relationship with him caused in my life.

The way to stop is to stop. Throw their own hit back in their face and finally ABANDON THEM! It's what he feared (and wanted) most. I had my own problems to deal with and a life to reassemble. I sat and stewed in the garbage our relationship left behind for me for a couple of months. A friend intervened and convinced me that I had to move on or I was literally going to die.

I've moved on. Left all my stuff behind and am starting over in a new place free of memories. I will live fully again. I know he will not. And that is somewhat satisfying.

[Mutt]

I get confused with the term recycling as in it's contextual meaning. Recycling (breaking up?) while your in an intimate relationship and living together? Breaking up and really ending the relationship and moving out then she comes back later on?

Let's see in the span of 8 years (married for 5) common-law for almost 3, I was separated almost every year for about 3 weeks to a month starting in year 2. Around Oct every year she would approach me, point her finger and say "you get like this every time this time of the year" and the fun would begin. her emotional dysregulation would worsen every week until she was impossible to deal with at around New Year's and I would have to leave. Her aggressive behavior would worsen, I would be gone for most of January and come back.

With the exception of Year 2. She left in the month of July with our daughter that was 6 months and stayed with her mother. She threatened divorce on multiple occasions and more frequently in the later stages of our relationship, she would break up with me and then get back with me while we were together in our home countless times, until finally she simply said "I'm done" and left with another man. We have 3 kids together. She was putting her feelers out and looking for another man for an exit relationship. So I never stopped the recycling while I was in a relationship with her if I understand recycling right, but after she left I've basically cut her completely out of my life by not responding to anything outside of our kids and I'm doing parallel parenting to keep her as far away as possible. Recycling after she has left me for another man, she may try it, but I'm not falling for that, she can move unto the next host. I'm wise to her now.