Are you paranoid?

[scraps66]

Or do you get accused of begin paranoid when telling stories of dealing with your BPex?  I am a dweller and someone who can obsess about things, so dealing with a BP is even more difficult for me.  But, with all of the history I have with my BP, I do not give the benefit of the doubt, almost never.  For this, I do get from some people close to me, girlfriend in particular, the statement, “you’re just being paranoid.”  I know it is true, but also think it to be justified.  My psychological evaluation did point this out and I think it was caveated with a, “this is typical under the circumstances,” or something to this effect – considering the events, entrapped by conception, abusive marriage, parental alienation (ongoing), and the kicked out of my house under false allegations with no testimony permitted, and then a four year divorce process.  Numerous mistakes made along the way by courts, attorneys, etc.  My speech eval also justified the paranoia with statements that I did not feel “good” about my relationship with S8 – alienation taking root.

So, do the rest of you get this at all?  Or at least feel it, the feeling that you cannot forgive or let your guard down?

[rosannadanna]

I took the personality questionnaire on another thread and I scored the highest in paranoia, avoidance, and OCD, which makes me part of the "anxious, avoidant" cluster.

In my journey of self-exploration/improvement, I have been thinking alot about the paranoia and avoidance scores.  For me it's a chicken and egg situation of how I got this way.

I moved around alot as a kid=trust issues

Both my parents had mental health issues and I often felt I was in a little crazy bubble.  I longed to get out and connect with "normal people" but was scared I wouldn't be accepted b/c I wasn't "normal"=trust issues

Both my parents instilled a belief system consisting of "people will try to con you" (dad) and "be careful; the world is full of people that might hurt you" (mom)=crazy trust issues

Made a baby with garden-variety A-hole who I discovered after leaving him had a gf since the year I was pregnant with our son=trust issues

Been a single mother virtually since my son's birth and have had to make all decisions about everything with very little support and have constant anxiety about life stressors=trust issues

The love of my life, the person I have been more vulnerable and real with than anyone else has BPD and therefore lets me down alot b/c of his limitations=trust issues

I think the paranoia is basically a symptom of PTSD, which is an anxiety d/o.  I am working on reducing my feelings of anxiety, but I am also going deeper and looking at the root of the anxiety.  The root is the compilation of the list I made above.  So I am looking at reversing some of the beliefs instilled from my parents.  I am working on reducing worry and being more mindful.  I am trying to practice gratitude and radical acceptance.  I am trying to go out of my comfort zone and make/stay connected to people instead of assuming they don't care about me b/c they are caught up in there stuff.

The book ":)aring to Trust" is helpful.

Be kind to yourself.  Don't judge yourself.  You are who you are and if you want to change, then change.  If someone makes a comment either judgementally or out of concern, assume they said it out of concern and own it.  It's not a paranoia as one would have with a thought d/o, like schizophrenia.  It's more of a trust issue.

Take care and good luck on your journey.