Relieved to be among friends

[Free Rein]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm 53 and am happily married and the mother of two kids aged 19 and 26. I grew up with a BP Mother. Through my own therapy and 20 years in recovery (AA) it was suggested by several therapists that my Mother sounded like someone suffering from BPD and I definitely exhibited classic symptoms of a child of a BP Mother!

It wasn't until 6 months ago when my sister (my only sibling) and I were re-united that I learned that a psychiatrist had diagnosed my Mom officially in 1989. My sister and I were estranged for well over 20 years thanks to my mothers manipulation and my sisters choice to "walk away" from my mother. She was the "bad daughter" and I was the "good daughter". I'm sure this may sound familiar to some of you.

Currently, I am not speaking with my Mother. In May I went to help her thru minor surgery and things went bad after three days. I left two days early and returned home . The last interaction we had was her in hysterics, wailing over and over, "I have no family." This wailing mantra ended a conversation where she ripped apart me, my children, my husband and the poor job I had done taking care of her over the last three days. Thus, my exit.

Bottom line... . I'm done. I'm ready to set boundaries and have a different life with her. A very REDUCED life with her. So, I'm reading a lot of BPD stuff, journaling and trying to figure out what I WANT.

I'm happy to be at bpdfamily.com and this is the FIRST time I've ever shared my family secret in public. It's a weight of my shoulders. Thanks for listening. xxoo TJ

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi and   

I took out the places and names to keep your identity a bit more "incognito."

YAAAAYYYY for sharing! I know, what a great feeling, eh?

I know the "good child" "bad child" scenario oh too well-- I was the good one for years, then when my mother didn't like that I had developed my own thoughts, I became the bad one, and my sister who had been the bad one became the good one! of course, she realized that to be our mother's favorite she pretty much had to give up her own soul and gave up on it and went NC (no contact.)

My mother had some NPD (narcissistic) traits as well as the BPD traits, making life quite, uh, "interesting." Sounds kind of like your family.

i'm so glad you're here, and even more glad you felt comfortable enough to share. Growing up like we did with those unpredictable mothers (well, they were predictable in being unpredictable, right?) can leave us questioning our sanity!

If you will have any contact with her in the future, there are some great things to read in the right hand sidebar on the Staying board that helped me understand what the dynamics were of that whole circus, and of better ways to communicate with those we have in our lives with BPD. Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner This would be helpful even though your contact may be minimal.

Also the board for people dealing with a family member with BPD [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board would probably be a place you'll find loads of folks who can relate (besides me, cuz I do relate, I do!) Tell your story there, ask questions about how to proceed, there will be a sidebar on that board with links to learning, and i'm sure those will be helpful to you as well.

my wake up call regarding my mother is reminiscent of your mother's "wailing" incident. My family (husband, 15 year old stepdaughter, and 5 year old daughter) were visiting her where she had moved to be with the "love of her life"... . my 15 year old had been as helpful as she knew how, but for my mother nothing was good enough when she was in the midst of a hard part of life (translated: everything not going HER way.) So she started in on my stepdaughter. I sent my stepdaughter and daughter outside to a safe place, and stood up for us in a way I never had before. She had used words that triggered me from my childhood when she would be nasty and mean to us. WOW I did not know I had that in me--mess with me? that's one thing. Mess with my family? Oh no you don't. We remained at minimal contact the rest of my mother's life since she would try to sew seeds of discontent with my kids and I felt the need to protect them. Bleh.

Anyway, i'm glad you are here, and I hope you enjoy the learning journey, I know I have!

I haven't read this one yet, but I think I shall-- What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)? I wonder, since our mothers sound similar, if there's a component here that might help in understanding.

dreamflyer99