A letter to New BF of uBPDexGF

[bettermentofsociety]

Hi --I posted this under the introduction section earlier as my first post to this site.  Learned a lot about BPD since April of this year, before that pretty limited knowledge. 

Below is what I am thinking of sending to her new man.

Advice?  Much of what I've read says don't send it but why not help another person avoid pain?  It is therapy for me to write it.  Thoughts?


signed, a  co-dependent fixer type.

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Hello ,

You don’t know me, and don’t think of this as creepy or anything it’s just meant to inform a fellow human being of impending danger.    Simply a small part to help stop a real issue from continuing in this country,  and that is dealing with mental illness.  We must try to spread the word and perhaps effect change to stop those who abuse others because of mental illness.

Before you delete this, hear me out.  First, what I ask you to do is simply spend a few hours researching one specific disorder.  It’s called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD.   Read about it.  Go to reputable sites all over the internet including, nimh dot nih dot gov and mayoclinic dot com.  After that go to some other sites like bpdfamily dot com and read about others’ experiences. These sites will describe the illness and the potential hell that you are in for if you continue to be in the relationship you are in with the woman you just met.  I know, I speak from experience…she lied, cheated on and manipulated me for over three years, as she did with all of her exes.  The lies and manipulations  were so good and the hiding of information and actions so masterful, that I thought I was wrong.  Wrong many times.  Well after some work at finding the truth, I realized I was not. 

While she never disclosed to me that she was diagnosed with BPD, I believe she has this dreaded illness and that she is a deeply disordered person. You don't have to be a physician to know the signs of a heart attack, you simply have to recognize the symptoms... pains in chest, tingling in arms, shortness of breath etc.  And according to the DSM she has many symptoms.  But labels aside, and regardless of diagnosis--bad behavior is bad behavior.

I don’t want to spoil any fun you are having, but before you get in too deep, research it and heed the information.  GET OUT NOW!  You will save yourself a ton of abuse, heartache, headaches and money if you do.  This may sound like sour grapes, but it’s not it’s truly just trying to stop her from devouring yet another soul.

Right now I know that this is the last thing you want to hear.  You are in the throes of a new  relationship with a beautiful woman who is unlike many others.  But she is like a Siren calling to the sailors of the sea—their song said ready to love but doom is coming.  As you may have noticed, she is beautiful, sexy, charming, alluring and probably treats you great.   She may goof around and seem perfectly normal but really she has the emotional maturity of a kid.   She is a master at keeping the tell-tale signs of this disorder a secret from those that she chooses for them not to know.  She reserves the abuse for a special few.  You are next in line.

Right now things are riding on clouds.  Things will change.  Perhaps, you may not even notice anything wrong yet, or you might have seen some red  flags already (don’t ignore those, they are your instincts telling you something is not right), or you may have just experienced joy, excitement and fun so far, just wait that will change.  It may not be today or tomorrow, or next month, or even in a few months, but it will.  This is part of her plan.  Trust me,  I know.  I was with her (off and on) almost up until you met her, but near the end  I was just trying to get her help.  She refuses.  She cannot acknowledge anything is wrong.   It’s called lack of insight.     Her family cannot discuss it.  They say it’s none of their business nor is it any of mine.

Now, again, let me be clear I DO NOT want to be with her romantically anymore.  Obviously,  I did at many times in the past, as we broke up and got back together many, many times, but that was before I even knew the details behind BPD.   It is a sick and heartbreaking illness that she suffers from the likes of which you have never seen.  The illness is both caused by brain chemistry and environment --mostly by childhood abuse and abandonment. 

You may be tempted to go to her with this information.  She will just deny it and try to convince you that I am the one who is nuts.  But believe me, it would be best for everyone if you just acted on this information and never let her know, simply back out now while you can. You are only a few weeks in, you can get out now with little to no damage!   I say this because I have been down that road.  The road of sticking around too long.   Her ex tried to warn me very early on in my relationship with her in a few different ways-- not about BPD specifically, because he probably never heard of it, but about her lying and manipulative ways.  I ignored him simply thinking he was jealous that I had his ex-woman in my arms at that time.   I believed back then that even if she was those things, I would change her. I would be the hero who could do it. If anyone could I could!  I was so wrong.  And, well, many men think they can change her.  They can’t!  There is no cure.  There is only treatment and it would take years and years of therapy, and even then the prognosis = not good.  I have never approached any of her exes with the fact that she is BPD but now that she attempting to set her hooks into a new victim, I felt obliged to reach out to you. To help you and delay another person's pain.  Maybe she will get help between now and her next victim.

   

You may think that this is weird and you can simply ignore it, delete it and forget it if you’d like but it will be a very, very rocky road ahead for you if you do.  It will be a really crappy, highly addictive relationship full of heartache and emotional abuse.  You cannot imagine the relationship darkness you are spiriling toward and the emotional danger you are in.  I regret little in this life, but romatically I wish I had the last 3 years back.  Again, there is no cure and she will deny anything is wrong.   Good luck.

[Moonie75]

I was so spell bound at the beginning of my relationship with my ex BPD gf, I would almost certainly have laughed all that off & believed her ex was just being spiteful that I'd got the girl!

You're dead right she'd have denied all of it & after getting a letter like that from a total stranger I'd have taken it, hook, line & sinker.

But don't think for one minute that since those days & especially since we split, I haven't thought about warning her next guy. But i know he will react just as I think i would have when i was back where he is now!

The meaning & intention is right, for you & him.

The outcome will more likely be wrong for you, & him. If it were to go really wrong you may even find yourself getting a beating over it... I'll bet she's not worth that?

Nobody that's hurt you to your core is worth the gamble of these good intentions going wrong man.

Only my views, others may be different.

[dangoldfool]

I doubt any one who would have been warned after a few weeks into a relationship would heed the warning. But after the sh-- hits the fan. Preach it brother. As far as the next guy. I look at it like this. The new guy's the student, The woman the teacher, and he's about to be schooled. Poor fellow, repeat and rinse. 

[TippyTwo]

Forthebetter,

I understand where you are coming from. Writing about our experience can be very therapeutic in helping us to sort things out.

"Wanting to warn" our exes new suitors may be chivalrous in a sense but, in my opinion, is self defeating. Warnings to people we don't know are not likely to be well received or helpful. It reflects more on us than on our exes, and not in a good healthy way. It kind of paints us as disgruntled, angry, spiteful, revengeful... . not good, healthy things.

As a self admitted codependent fixer... . you might want to change focus a bit. Our exes tend to occupy space in our heads rent free. Detaching from that is a process. The more we focus on them, the less we are focusing on us.

Sometimes, the nicest thing we can do for ourselves is to take all that energy we are giving to them and the memory of them, and give it back to ourselves for ourselves. It is using those same traits/characteristics for our own benefit.

Something to think about.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I wouldn't have believed anything like that at the beginning of the relationship with my ex. I would have just tossed it off as a jealous ex trying to drive me off. If it helps you to write it out I say keep writing but I wouldn't send it. Save it if you would like it might come in handy in the future. You might get an email asking if she's crazy. By the end of the relationship I was in I was tempted to track down some of her ex boyfriends and ask them if she was crazy in their relationship. I'd imagine so but by the time I had started to think about doing it the relationship was in a downward spiral to an explosion anyway. I was so wound up I worried that she would find out I'd been snooping into her past more than what she'd told me and it would hit the fan so I didn't.

[Gaslit]

This is an excellent well written description of how the relationship will unfold.

Would it be heeded now? I'm guessing no.

If you can't help but send it, wait. I'm guessing around the 5 or 6 month mark, it may begin to make sense to him. Right now, it would be a bit like sending a parenting book to a 20 year old dude. He's not going to be interested, or care, or relate.

But, send it much later after he learns his new wife is expecting, and you have a whole different receptive audience.

I'm not sure you should ever send this. But if you do, wait. It will resonate much better later.

I feel like I have a doctorate in BPD now, but at the beginning, I just saw a hot blonde, who was fun, and super in to me. Score. I wouldn't have cared initially, but later, I would have appreciated the info.

[Blade99d]

As I am sure many of us can relate to this story.  But my god, to read it really resonates that these people just wash their hands and start over, without a care in the world to the pain and suffering they leave behind.  I went back and saw that I spent close to $12k from september - april.  How much did she spend... . she took me out for Dinner 1 time for my birthday.  She promptly raged at me that night, as it was my birthday, and the attention was off her all night. 

However, i saw the red flags and ignored them, so I cant blame her, i could have stopped the roller coaster ride a long time ago and chose not too. 

[TheDude]

This idea comes up periodically around here.

The chain of events is almost predictable. New(er) guy gets message, scoffs at it, and forwards it along to her. Then you get another round of dysfunction back at ya like a boomerang. It would be like sticking your head in an alligator's mouth to warn it of the dangers of alligators... .

[dangoldfool]

TheDude, Like that analogy. 

[bettermentofsociety]

Dangoldfool, TheDude, WallyGator, Blade99d, Gasit, ObiRedKenobi,Tippytwo, Moonie75... . Thanks for all the thoughts and input.

I guess it is partially my positive characteristics and shortcomings as a human being that is wanting to help a guy who has no idea what he is in for and also to perhaps exact some revenge on her somehow.  She should not have happiness because of all the pain she has caused in my life.  I know that she is already experiencing pain just by the mere fact that she is BPD, however, I want her to fail at relationships sooner than may happen.However, when you think about it she is bringing that guy a lot of happiness right now.  She is getting showered with interest as is he.  A truly Joyous time for them right? Boo.

 

Blade99d, not that it's about superficial monetary aspects but you are so right, I spent a fortune on this woman and she rarely spent anything ne me.  So effing selfish.  Why would I expect anything less,though right.  TheDude, I know, I just wonder if it's worth it.  Sending the letter would help and hurt me perhaps.  Just like when I used to ask her mother if she thought something was wrong with her daughter and she said "no, not any more than anyone else".  I got nowhere with that approach.  Likely to be the case here, so, maybe I wait-reword it as was suggested by ObiRedKenobi and Gaslit. ?

Tippie, Moonie, I know I have some soul searching to do yet in life.  Really get to the bottom of why I felt this strong attachment to this woman and another woman equally disordered (dxBipolar) to whom I was married for 15 years.  I feel kind of dumb in that I was even educated on mental illness, I knew a lot about Bipolar not BPD, but still allowed myself to be drawn to and sucked into this vortex of abuse by my BPDexGF!    Maybe because they were so different my BPDexGF and BPexW.  I defined the MI as how my ex wife behaved.  Maybe  just peel back some layers on myself is what I need to do.

[Surnia]

FTBM

you received a lot of feedback, and I agree about not sending/not being heard.

Something is running through my head: Is it not a certain pattern from many of us, thinking and worrying about others? "Helping" others first and than perhaps we care about us or we can even forget a bit our own things? For me it is something to watch carefully in my life.

What about a second letter under the aspect "support for you"?

something like

Hi Forthebettermentofsociety

I am really sorry for all the trouble in relationships the last years. I can remember very clearly... . What about you in all this? ... .

And so on. You deserve all your kindness, all your support. 

[cylec]

Tell the truth, I can almost (operative word) see clearly enough now that I want to send the one she cheated on me with and left me for a damn thank you card.

You know he knew she was still in a relationship, I bet, when she was setting her hooks in him.    He knew she was cheating on someone yet he still joyfully went sniffing after her.


Well, he's got her now.   It's his problem. 

[dangoldfool]

cylec, Don't waste the stamp. Just like you were blind when she came into your life. Same goes for the new guy. He needs to learn a life lesson with his self.

We all feel like victims as well we should. But it takes two. Now is the time to look at yourself. Why did you get pulled into this poor choice?

It's easy to play the victim, isn't it?

Try looking into your self, way harder. But sadly the only way to fix your future relationships, is to start with you.

Like Michael Jackson song "Make that change" 

P.S. The anger of blaming is normal. To move forward you need to consider the you part.  Good luck 

[Sharkey167]

I warned my exs bf cause he got in my business through email. It was liberating to tell him what was about to happen to him. Though he didn't listen of course. Do what you want but it may not be the best thing. Depends on if you will feel repurcussions from it.

[gettingoverit]

I wrote a letter once myself, however the letter I sent was to my ex not to the replacement (who was also an ex-friend of mine). As mentioned before, I wouldn't waste the postage stamp. The replacement is NEVER going to believe you, and I can guarantee they will take the letter to your ex, and of course she is going to deny every word of it. Sometimes people have their own life lessons to learn... . like we did. Some of our replacements in my opinion do not deserve to be warned based only on the fact that they messed around with our BPDxes knowing full well they were in relationships. I figure they deserve everything that's coming. Our BPDxes are masterful liars, they could convince Jesus that he was not the son of God. Don't think they haven't already covered all their basis when it comes to their lies and re-writing of history. Our replacements will figure it out sooner or later. Let them have a turn on the crazy train.

[Newton]

Forthebetterment... . here are your words... . "... . and also to exact some revenge on her somehow... . I want her to fail at relationships sooner than may happen... . "

As I alluded to in my response to your similar post on the "undecided" board... . perhaps look at your username.

I see your motivating factors for this letter as unresolved/suppressed anger and resentment... .

I suggest you choose to explore how controlling and destructive codependent traits can be... . as a priority... .

Saving the world can wait... .

[Emelie Emelie]

A few months into my relationship with my BPDbf we were at a bar that he hung out at fairly regularly.  This strange guy stopped me as I was coming out of the restroom and said just want to give you fair warning, your boyfriend is a douche bag.  Just ask the long line of women he's used and abused.  I told him to F off.

[bettermentofsociety]

Emelie Emelie, It probably made you stop and think for second, maybe a different decision would be made later?

Newton, I agree I am angry.  Who wouldn't be after being poisoned for 3 years by a cheating liar.  But can't we save others while saving ourselves?

Gettingoverit,  On one hand I so agree with you, on the other I want to do something more.  Maybe I give it more time and see how I feel in a few more weeks?

Sharkey167,  Yep... . I am not really afraid of repercussions, but I am wondering if it would truly make a difference now.  After reading many posts of people on this site, it seems it may not.

cyclec, Yes, she is now his problem.  However I know that she has at least 15 other men (me included-and these are just the ones she told me about or I knew of) who have been in the wake of her torrent.  Was just trying to slow that number down.

Surnia,  Thanks for that.  I need to start writing that to myself.

[MaybeSo]

Being angry is totally normal.

I think what Newton is pointing at, which may be too early in your process to digest, is that many of us get into these r/s because we have a habit of directing our focus outside on things we wish to control but cant.

Like,

Loving someone out of their mental illness or bad behavior

Like rescuing or fixing another adult who can't make their life work

Like feeling special for rescuing someone in a victim stance

Like obsessing and analyzing someone else and their behaviors

Then when our love fails, we feel victimized and rush to fix or protect the next possible victim... . By writing letters and rescuing someone else.

You can't rescue another adult. It's not your job. It speaks to poor boundaries, a confusion about what is yours to own and what is not.

Poor boundaries is what fuels these toxic relationships.

None of this outside stuff has anything to do with "self" and it's our relationship with ourselves that needs our attention if we wish to heal. All of this outside stuff is a distraction from self. To the point where it's a addiction, we just don't see it or recognize it as such.

[winston72]

MaybeSo... . geez, your post really nails it for me.  The behaviors you listed have been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember.  They reflect values and perspectives that are integral to my personality.  I was raised by alcoholic parents with my mother being broken, aggressive and abusive verbally, emotionally and physically.  So, it is not hard to see the roots of my thinking/feeling.  However, as the years have rolled on, I see how I have consciously rationalized these behaviors because of the positive component of each of them.  Loving someone who is ill sounds admirable; rescuing someone in trouble is heroic; initiating aid to others who do not know enough to ask for it is gracious and kind... . and so on it progressed with me. 

The subtle but treacherous slide for me was allowing the positive aspects of these behaviors to help me avoid my own inner world.  As best as I can understand it, my "other" directed-ness was/is the method for that avoidance.  And it has been a conscious choice.  I did not want to be an alcoholic.  I wanted to lead a productive life.  I wanted to be a "good boy" at least in part because I felt the pain of the chaos in my own upbringing.  I will affirm that my choices were a bit better than falling into substance abuse, but they still led me into danger. 

Nurturing myself is what I need now.  Life is unfair in how my development was twisted by the trauma of my youth.  The skills formed to cope with that mess worked for that era, but really have not worked for me as an adult.  And they have had the patina of admirable character traits (loving, caring, self-sacrificing) which enabled me to hang on to them much longer to avoid my own inner turmoil. 

So, ironically and somewhat counter-intuitively to my mangled brain, the most loving thing for those around us is to learn to love ourselves (and, of course, I motivate my self love by saying it is best for others!... . Ah, aren't we fortunate to always have areas of growth ahead!)

Thank you.

[bettermentofsociety]

Being angry is totally normal.

I think what Newton is pointing at, which may be too early in your process to digest, is that many of us get into these r/s because we have a habit of directing our focus outside on things we wish to control but cant.

Like,

Loving someone out of their mental illness or bad behavior

Like rescuing or fixing another adult who can't make their life work

Like feeling special for rescuing someone in a victim stance

Like obsessing and analyzing someone else and their behaviors

Then when our love fails, we feel victimized and rush to fix or protect the next possible victim... . By writing letters and rescuing someone else.

You can't rescue another adult. It's not your job. It speaks to poor boundaries, a confusion about what is yours to own and what is not.

Poor boundaries is what fuels these toxic relationships.

None of this outside stuff has anything to do with "self" and it's our relationship with ourselves that needs our attention if we wish to heal. All of this outside stuff is a distraction from self. To the point where it's a addiction, we just don't see it or recognize it as such.

Thanks, concur, that I cannot rescue another adult.  My boundaries were a total mess with my uBPDexGF, she steamrolled me at every chance, and I let it happen.

I also know that I need to be introspective to get this ship righted.

I appreciate the insights.  My ex is in the arms of a new man and could care less what I think or feel.  I just need to come to terms with that and examine my own self healing needs.