Was it over from the get go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Did we even have a chance? In my self reflection of my behavior in the failure of the relationship I recognize the lopsided situation. It was way out of balance. I did hurtful things and she did hurtful things. I was less than understanding at times and she didn't seem to be able to see anybody's feelings but her own. After we broke up she told me it was doomed from the get go. Was this just a way to let herself off the hook or did she plan on leaving me all along. She wouldn't leave when I wanted her to. We didn't even have a breakup talk. We weren't even fighting. She basically just left and didn't come back. She wouldn't leave when I wanted her to leave and she wouldn't stay when I wanted her to stay.

[Perfidy]

Did we even have a chance? In my self reflection of my behavior in the failure of the relationship I recognize the lopsided situation. It was way out of balance. I did hurtful things and she did hurtful things. I was less than understanding at times and she didn't seem to be able to see anybody's feelings but her own. After we broke up she told me it was doomed from the get go. Was this just a way to let herself off the hook or did she plan on leaving me all along. She wouldn't leave when I wanted her to. We didn't even have a breakup talk. We weren't even fighting. She basically just left and didn't come back. She wouldn't leave when I wanted her to leave and she wouldn't stay when I wanted her to stay.

[mitchell16]

its rough Im with you on this I wish I could say it gets better but I dont know. Becasue Im still stuck right now. I doing my best to dig myself out. Only thing i can say it all typical BPD behavior. I know everyone of them is diffrent but I do find it amazing how many of them act the same way. The stories on this board prove that. Yes, they are one big walking contrdictions. I told mine that once in a moment of hurt and anger. I told her it was like i could never learn the rules because they keep changing all the time. I told her it was like I could never win. of course she came back with why did I have to always win. I had to explain it was a figure of speech. That for once I would like to think I did something right. During the honeymoon phase, I couldnt do anything wrong, my body was perfect, I made her feel safe, she was amazed at my life, I treated her just the way she wanted to be treated, I was so understanding, I didnt take her crap and thats what she needed. Go to the devauling stage, I was putting on to much weight (about 4 pounds) she couldnt trust me anymore, I was to controlling, She deserved better then how I treated her, I didnt love her like I used to. and no matter what i did to prove that all she said wasnt true it useless. It was like I could have showed her a video of proof and she just refuse to look at it. Like she didnt want to see the proof. So when I gave up, then it was again my fault becasue If I really loved her I wouldnt have gave up.

When I told mine i was done, I couldnt run her away. She would cry, beg, call none stop. But when she broke it off with me I would hear a word. If she took my calls she was rude, cold and didnt have a care how much I was hurting. So its all about them. Im in no why a BPD expert probaley should be. BUt I think it all boils down to control on the break ups. because if you dump them then it means they have lost control and it also makes them feel like a bad person. just my opinon. I sent a mutual friend a text once who was asking what was going on with us. it was funny becasue I didnt have a clue about bPD then. BUt i told the friend that it was very confusing when she had me she didnt want me and When I was gone she couldnt get me back fast enough.

[Newton]

I believe attempting to have a healthy, balanced, satisfying relationship with a pw untreated BPD is a little like throwing gasoline on a fire and hoping it won't explode and burn you... .

[tailspin]

Perfidy,

These are wonderful self reflections.  We never had a chance because these relationships are doomed from the start.  We're attracted to the doom because it resonates from a relationship in our past.  Human nature compels us to try to re-write the story and make a happy ending in much the same way our ex's were attracted to us.  We are both trying to right a wrong.  Unfortunately, we cannot expect someone else to make us feel better about ourselves.  This is our job.

tailspin

[Learning_curve74]

I don't know about your relationship, but I feel that I had a chance to make it work. About a one in ten million chance. Not very good odds, but it was still a chance.

I didn't stick around because at a certain point I had to lose everything or fold and get away from the table.

[bpdspell]

Perfidy,

These are wonderful self reflections.  We never had a chance because these relationships are doomed from the start.  We're attracted to the doom because it resonates from a relationship in our past.  

I think tailspin makes a great point in connecting the pain we feel to a deeper heartbreak. My original heartbreak comes from what I didn't receive from my parents. Both were withholding and both are deeply character flawed.

As for our love relationship being doomed from the start I would say yes.

Relationships built on rescuer schemas or needy child/withholding parent schemas won't pan out in terms of healthy love. Not saying that love won't be present but there will also be a considerable amount of toxicity to swim through as well. Lots of push and pull BS, ___ testing, triangulation, manipulation and pretzel logic to sort through.

Toxicity is depleting, parasitical, and dims our inner light. This is the way I felt when around my BPDexbf. Most times I didn't feel good; I felt objectified, used and neglected and he needed it to be that way so the reigns of control would always be in his hands. Sex was our pain killer but grew into deep emptiness for me.

So. No. A relationship with a mentally ill person cannot work itself out on its own.

Spell

[Perfidy]

Thank all of you for posting replies. I am ruminating on this and it's keeping me stuck. I am posting more on the personal inventory board now and am really trying to move on and detach. So tired of being miserable. I'm hurting and being careless of others. Not good.

All I can say about your responses is thank you for careing. This was a statement that she made to me after she had a new boyfriend for I don't know how long. We were so far off from one another that it really boggles my mind how it ever came to be in the first place. Then it lasted so long that it had a seriously profound negative effect on me. The whole while I was with someone that was not a peer and could never be a good choice for me. Maybe she was right. Doomed from the get go. BPD or not. As a matter of fact BPD may be the reason for her choice in me in the first place.

[Newton]

tailspin highlights an issue that is key to many of us on the leaving board... . we bought into a role of learnt behaviour that was uncomfortably comfortable for us... . that was our 50% and we need to accept responsibility for it.

Once we understand the dysfunction we brought to these relationships we can let our past go, and make better choices for our future 

[Learning_curve74]

As a matter of fact BPD may be the reason for her choice in me in the first place.

Great insight Perfidy. Now to get working on and caring for yourself.