Perfidy,
These are wonderful self reflections. We never had a chance because these relationships are doomed from the start. We're attracted to the doom because it resonates from a relationship in our past.
I think tailspin makes a great point in connecting the pain we feel to a deeper heartbreak. My original heartbreak comes from what I didn't receive from my parents. Both were withholding and both are deeply character flawed.
As for our love relationship being doomed from the start I would say yes.
Relationships built on rescuer schemas or needy child/withholding parent schemas won't pan out in terms of healthy love. Not saying that love won't be present but there will also be a considerable amount of toxicity to swim through as well. Lots of push and pull BS, ___ testing, triangulation, manipulation and pretzel logic to sort through.
Toxicity is depleting, parasitical, and dims our inner light. This is the way I felt when around my BPDexbf. Most times I didn't feel good; I felt objectified, used and neglected and he needed it to be that way so the reigns of control would always be in his hands. Sex was our pain killer but grew into deep emptiness for me.
So. No. A relationship with a mentally ill person cannot work itself out on its own.
Spell