Good coping behaviors? What’s left when they amp up the stakes?

[rj47]

I sit in the den above the basement waiting waiting waiting for the moaning to stop. She’s been awake for over 50-hours exhausting her mind and body in a bi-polar fueled rage. Near total exhaustion, in pain and swollen from another long night of ranting, writing and chain smoking; the near dementia has set in where she is the most dangerous to herself. All I can do is listen, wait and pray for this cycle to burn out. I will cancel my meetings this morning. What’s the point; I cannot think to hold a conversation anyway. I’m on fire watch now. Each time the moaning stops for a few minutes I have to peak through the door to the basement to see if she's nodded out with a a smoldering cigarette in her limp hand. She’s almost burned the house down before. The low groan starts again as she fights off the sleep. The demon won’t let her sleep. It’s been almost two months since the last episode…a near record. But the demon has to take it all back and then some.

Good coping behaviors?  What’s left when she amps up the stakes? Overdoses of pills, physical attacks, property destruction, and, drawing in others ensures I will stay engaged in her madness. I run, but the danger to her, my children and home ratchets up each time I leave. Even my business is at risk with her knowing every phone number and e-mail. She promises to destroy even my ability to take care of her. She ranted last night for hours about the opportunities with quality men she passed up for a loser like me. She wants to move in with a local male friend, then, a girlfriend in Phoenix with wealthy male friends. Please, please do it. I encourage her to find herself, happiness; a speck of small joy with someone. I’ll pay for the schooling…I’ll pay her rent…I’ll pay airfares to Chicago or Singapore for her to meet one of the caring and wonderful men she’s met through social networking that care for her more than I ever could. She’s a beautiful woman. Of course, they’re going to bring the best out in her. Anything! Anything! No... . she turns that around as well... . now I'm trying to get rid of her! As much as she despises me, the realization that other's might pursue relationship with me drives her mad and she can not allow that. She acknowledges a hope that I would become completely disabled, then die slowly so she can enjoy the show. The demon hates me more than it can ever allow her to find a path out of the darkness.

I was doing so well managing the situation. I practiced good coping skills and encouraged other members to do likewise. Now, I sit in despair listening through the floor to the low growl and demented shout outs coming from the basement. Eventually, her body will shut down and she'll collapse in exhaustion... . until the demon finds a second wind.

So it goes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

I feel for you may partner goes through this staying awake and just pushing on getting more and more dysfunctional until she passes out.  Last night she passed out on the toilet and slept there. She has a Chemotherapy appointment in about 10mins, but she's still passed out this morning, and probably will be for the rest of the day so she will miss that. Nothing is important enough to impose on these self destructive bouts.

What to do, well I guess you you are doing the best, stay out of it. If there is danger to life or unacceptable property damage then I guess you need to be present but at arms length. If not, dont be there. Trying to interfere or "fix" things will make it even more about you and is really not a healthy option for you.

My partners latest thing is to do with her long standing painkiller addictions and her current fight with Breast cancer. She is using the latter to access the former to a dangerous level playing the GP against the hospital to obtain oversupplies and spinning me different stories ( I am tasked with administering her doses). Constantly demanding more, staying up all night, and calling ambulances etc.

She has a big enough fight with Cancer, and in her mental state is doing everything possible to lower her chances and waste her life... It is so hard to watch this. There is a limit to how much shepherding you can do.

[rj47]

Its a monthly thing now that tracks with the start of her menstrual cycle. Six months of this and I panic when the mania begins. I could write pages about her congenital issues, but she's been dependent on powerful pain killers and benzos for many years. We're working with naturopaths and her doctors to improve immune, digestive and organ function. They told us it would get worse before it got better. It sure has, but I'm hanging in there and forcefully pressing her to follow the program as much as possible.

Its a confusing mess trying to understand and manage when there are multiple issues. About 40-years ago I had to sail through a tropical storm. The best I could do was drop the sails, lock it down, point the bow into the wind and motor in. I was doing fine and feeling like Sgt. Dan on the foremast of the Jenny taunting the hurricane; until the wind drove me onto an unmarked sand bar. Exhausted and terrified, I forget everything I ever knew and jumped over the side thinking I could push a 36' boat with a 1000lb keel into deeper water. The boat almost killed me that day. Everything went out the window when the unexpected happened. I was 17, I'm 55 now and making the same mistakes. I try to ride it out, but then she throws in the unexpected and my best efforts collapse.

Your situation sounds very familiar. I'm truly sorry about her cancer. The health issues make their struggle so much more difficult. It sounds like its been a long term thing. I kept her meds in a safe, but gave up fighting over daily dosing months ago and she now runs short every month causing incredible stress when the panic attacks start. Your description about the doctors, ERs, ambulances and constant spin is very familiar. Its a private agony I share. The hardest thing as men is coming to terms with our inability to fix it.

Your advice about staying clear is the only sane option, though I have discovered that if don't stay within her line of sight and allow her vent for hours it extends the cycle and she's more likely to engage in harmful behaviors. I'm learning to shut the mind down and talk to myself during the extended rants. Its when the exhaustion sets in and she throws me a curve... . that I forget everything I ever knew. We weather the storm and promise ourselves that the next time will be different. Thanks.

[waverider]

I kept her meds in a safe, but gave up fighting over daily dosing months ago and she now runs short every month causing incredible stress when the panic attacks start.

Totally get this, saying "no" sounds simple, but when meds are involved it becomes a never ending extinction burst and life becomes untenable and you weigh up whether you are actually making her issue your issue by taking on the stress of constantly saying no. The reality also that the real need for meds is not as rigid as the dosing, much of it is "as required". So you end up in the grey area, and the driving factor falls back on what is best for your own sanity.

As I type this she has taken an ambulance to ER for the 4th time in just over a week telling tales of how I am depriving her of her opiate painkillers in an attempt to get more. The reality of course is the Chemo pain is real, and her lifelong abuse of painkillers means her tolerance is high, so they simply don't work that well. I can understand her duress, but what can anyone do can't keep upping the doses, but that is her answer to everything.

Observing from a detached state is all we can do. Its no good if we end up on the meds to cope with stress and anxiety, or driven to drink. Those are real risks.

It is like weathering a storm, you can use the tools to effectively batten down the hatches, but there comes a point were you just have to head for the safety of the cellar, then address any damage once its over.

[rj47]

It is like weathering a storm, you can use the tools to effectively batten down the hatches, but there comes a point were you just have to head for the safety of the cellar, then address any damage once its over.

This may not be the best coping mechanism, but its where I'm ending up for better or worse.

Possessions are not a concern when you're worried about simply keeping them alive. The rage ended yesterday morning and she finally slept through night. Tomorrow should better, but she's been talking suicide again. She's been shut in for years. I get her out a few hours a week, take her with me on short business travel and do overnight trips when she can handle it. I might be inclined to give up for her refusal to confront the PD, but, the decades of serious illness are a reality that I cannot walk from. I love the woman she was and who occasionally shows for a few days at a time. So I watch from a short distance, be there for support when its safe, and gently try to move her to a better place until she can stay there on her own for a while until the cycle starts again. Its less than I hope and pray for, but has to be enough for now.

You're SO is at the ER again. I'm sorry. I know the routine well. We stopped those trips a few years ago as they are useless. We're fortunate in one sense; she's 97lbs with a tolerance that is so high she does not get much relief from prescrip narcotics. Burning through immediate release OCs, she makes the higher dosage timed release pills work until refill. Its the street stuff I have to watch for... . a topic that belongs on an entirely different list.

[waverider]

You're SO is at the ER again. I'm sorry. I know the routine well.

Talk about amping it up, I found out not only did she take ambulance to ER, after she got out of there she caught a cab across town to a different Hospital ER. 2 in one night ! Total of 14 hours in ER's, couldn't think of a worse thing to do with my time.

[rj47]

14 hours in ER's is a long time. A few years ago I put her on a plane home early from visiting family on the east coast. We had spent an entire day shopping hospitals without success and she was going to find street narcotics back home. The withdrawal fueled raging did not stop for days after I returned. I moved into a hotel, advised her family that I could no longer help her, and had my attorney draft up a divorce agreement and presented it to her. It was the first time I finally got her attention. I know too well how it goes when they chase the meds. If your SO should go to the street, it ratchets up the consequences and stakes entirely. Its terrible, but you might consider tracking her for her own safety.

I sometimes wonder if we're stronger for it - managing the daily challenges of life while reserving a part of our strength and creativity to manage them and the emotional chaos they are compelled to put us through.