Thanks and one year

[sheepdog]

I posted this on the leaving board but no one really knows me there anymore and I got one response.  And I realized that those of you who hang out on this board have helped me the most so I'm posting this over here.

"Well, I am now one year NC with the BPD.

I haven't posted much on any of these other boards except for 'Taking Personal Inventory' as I don't yet see fit to help others when I am still trying to figure out what happened myself and feel I've made a muck of things.

But the main reason is that I don't want to talk to him, want no contact from him, don't want to ever have him in my life again.  Maybe the first couple of weeks I did but it was also laced with anxiety that he would.  NC was not difficult for me once I realized how messed up our relationship was.

I would be telling a lie if I said everything was peachy-keen now.  I'm still struggling and sometimes, looking back, I'm not sure that I've really gained anything during the course of this year.  All I can do is try to find myself.

So I just wanted to say thank you.  I've been on this board longer than this year and I can not even thank you enough for the support, kindness, and clarity you have given me.

Truly, thank you.   love

sheepdog"

[MaybeSo]

Congratulations on making it to one year.  It will continue to get better with time, promise.

I know things aren't perfect or peachy, which is understandable.

What in your life is going well right now?  What is working?  What else do you feel grateful for in your life these days?

[talithacumi]

Oh, hah! Just replied to your post on the Leaving board, you sly dog!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hey Sheepdog, 

Just wanted to say I believe it's a huge step to be in NC for one year.  These relationships are very different from other relationships.  I have been in NC for 7 months and, while there has definitely been improvement, I still struggle as well.  One day at a time is what they keep telling me.  Give yourself a pat on the back or buy yourself an ice cream cone.   

[Cumulus]

"To see and name evil, not to doubt in ignorance it's existence" , yes sheepdog I believe you have travelled farther than you imagine. Please know when I refer to evil I am not talking about the person, but rather the situations that I know I found myself in because of my xBPDh and from your posts the situation you found yourself in. Yes, we are adults and had a choice in this matter, yet for myself I know I had surrendered control in my life because of the way, in my innocence, I was manipulated and used for his benefit. Loving healthy relationships don't do that. All the best as you begin this next year of growth. Cumulus

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm at a year too, and congratulations to us!  And what a year it's been!  I went through sadness of the detachment, the longing, then the anger, lots of anger, the death of my naivety, a very strong looking at myself, a lot of it not pretty, a reprioritization of my life that has made relationships with healthy people the most important thing, a sort of gratitude to my BPD ex for helping me experience the pain that got me off my ass, and now a fledgling empathy for her and her daily struggle, from a detached, objective place.  Oh, and did I mention the anger?  It's said that we seek out and find attractive personalities that express the emotions we don't/can't, and she had no problem with rage, which has helped me find my anger, maybe the biggest blessing of all, as I work towards becoming a whole person.

Happy anniversary sheepdog, and thanks for the wisdom and experience you've shared here.

[sheepdog]

Thanks everyone!

Yes, I originally put the post on the Leaving board but then realized that this board has helped me immensely so I put it here.  I don't go on the Leaving board much right now, maybe later, but right now... . I just can't and wasn't sure if that was the case with those of you that help me here so I posted it here as well.

Besides being a little triggering, I also don't post over there much because I have learned it is less to do with BPD and WAY more to do with me.

fromheeltoheal - congratulations to you, too!  Oh yes, oh YES, the anger!  I had never heard this before:  It's said that we seek out and find attractive personalities that express the emotions we don't/can't  Definitely going to be thinking about that.

[Grey Kitty]

  Let me say that you are welcome. We're all walking our own paths, and sometimes helping another along is the best thing we can do for ourselves. For whatever reason.

And congratulations on one year of NC. That is a great step for you. Especially that you don't even want any contact!

[sheepdog]

And congratulations on one year of NC. That is a great step for you. Especially that you don't even want any contact!

I really, really don't.

And part of me wonders what that is all about.  Most people on the boards do.

Is this a normal reaction?  Is it me being stubborn?  Me being healed... . not of MY part in it and the choices I made but of his crap.

Pondering... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Like most of us here I've had mixed feelings, crazymaking mixed.  But the way I look at it now, with detachment, when I was emotionally enmeshed in the relationship, I was enmeshed with a disordered person, so my emotions went on the roller coaster ride of her's, and throw in the cognitive distortion and the continual psychological abuse, and I was not in my right mind, literally could not think straight.  Scary.

Fortunately it got painful enough to drive me away, my heart protested in a big way for a long time, but my head, removed from the insanity, never wavered; leaving and staying gone was absolutely the right thing to do.  It's said that falling in love is temporary insanity, which it is, but pretty sure they didn't mean it in a clinical sense.  This was clinical insanity, well, not sure if a personality disorder counts as insanity or not, but she's had her whole life to get accustomed to it, it was new for me, floored me, and the only way clear was away, for good.

[sheepdog]

Like most of us here I've had mixed feelings, crazymaking mixed.  But the way I look at it now, with detachment, when I was emotionally enmeshed in the relationship, I was enmeshed with a disordered person, so my emotions went on the roller coaster ride of her's, and throw in the cognitive distortion and the continual psychological abuse, and I was not in my right mind, literally could not think straight.  Scary.

Fortunately it got painful enough to drive me away, my heart protested in a big way for a long time, but my head, removed from the insanity, never wavered; leaving and staying gone was absolutely the right thing to do.  It's said that falling in love is temporary insanity, which it is, but pretty sure they didn't mean it in a clinical sense.  This was clinical insanity, well, not sure if a personality disorder counts as insanity or not, but she's had her whole life to get accustomed to it, it was new for me, floored me, and the only way clear was away, for good.

fromheeltoheal - so beautifully said.  Absolutely perfect.