Unhealthy fantasies about my ex BPDgf

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm stepping out of the box a bit here.

I seem to have unhealthy fantasies about my ex BPDgf having porn star style sex

With other guys. This is odd I know.

But it is not helping my healing process. I think its keeping me locked into the relationship

On an unhealthy level.

Our relationship was very sexual and I think she cheated countless

Times and got off on it.

On some level it feels like I'm punishing myself and find it difficult to stop.

It's like I'm still in the relationship even though she has gone ( or maybe I'm still in the

Relationship because she was never there in the first place).

Either way I think it's massochistic and want it to stop!

Your thoughts?

[Front runner]

I'm stepping out of the box a bit here.

I seem to have unhealthy fantasies about my ex BPDgf having porn star style sex

With other guys. This is odd I know.

But it is not helping my healing process. I think its keeping me locked into the relationship

On an unhealthy level.

Our relationship was very sexual and I think she cheated countless

Times and got off on it.

On some level it feels like I'm punishing myself and find it difficult to stop.

It's like I'm still in the relationship even though she has gone ( or maybe I'm still in the

Relationship because she was never there in the first place).

Either way I think it's massochistic and want it to stop!

Your thoughts?

[Mutt]

I've had a lot of sexual fantasies about my STBX uBPDw in the last few weeks and I was thinking the same thing. For me to move on, I can't think like this? But it's just that, a fantasy like she was a fantasy to begin with. I'm just lonely atm and it will pass. I'm just speaking for myself.

[papawapa]

I can relate to what you are going through. Somehow all the cheating led me to want her to tell me stories of what she did while we had sex. This escalated to us having threesomes and trying swinging. By the time we split up it was the only way I could get off when we had sex was to have her tell me she wanted other men or about her adventures while I banged her like a dirty whore. There was no intimacy or love left in our sex.

I dont know what to tell you about how to make the thoughts stop. It is something you should find a therapist to help you figure out. Thats what I am going to do.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

This is a very interesting post, and a subject in relationships that I always wondered about. For example, I found in all my relationships, that when things started to go really wrong, (immense pain from their behaviours towards me) I found myself fantasising whenever I made love with partners (past and now recently exBP) about them with other women and me watching.

It seemed to be the only thing I could think about that really got me to orgasm with any of them. Yet when things were going well, (briefly) I could think of myself in that fantasy with any partners, feeling good about myself and them together sexually etc.

In the past, I spoke with therapists about this, and they suggested that perhaps I was putting other women in my fantasies because either A; there was too much pain going on in the relationships to put myself in such an intimate picture, or B; that perhaps I didn't feel good enough physically to be there due to partners rejections of me during the relationships.

This certainly seems to fit the bill, both of the therapists theories, as I found myself feeling bad about having to rely on those fantasies to get off, and I felt spiritually sick doing it.

This has long had me wondering if we are all made up this way.

The experts would have it that we all fantasise in relationships, and this is normal, but something doesn't rest that well with me about all this. As we know, a lot of people build on these fantasies and take them to the next step, (acting them out), we know how this often ends up, as so often the fantasies are always better than the realities. None of this kind of sexual activity leads to lasting love and fulfillment for anyone.

We may laugh and say why not, wouldn't we be having a ball, but deep down inside I don't believe people really do feel good about it. That's just my opinion of course, but I would argue to have a closer look inside people, and read their souls.

Yes, there are incredibly sexual people out there, (I've been one myself at various times of singledom) swinging, participating in orgies, threesomes, and all the rest, the movie world makes a big joke of it, and society still portrays men as being raving erections ready to perform with any females they find attractive, they cannot help themselves apparently.

That men are all visual creatures, well so are females, we find men attractive, and other things attractive too, I don't believe societies excuse that women and men are really all that different when it comes to getting down and dirty. I think a lot of it is purely myth, since the evidence out there speaks for itself.

Are all men hard ons with no control over themselves? I think this is a dangerous and silly belief to support, and I think it is used as an excuse to allow certain types of men to act dangerously disrespectful towards women in general.

I also argue that there are an incredibly large amount of women out there, angry and striking back, by trying to compete with men sexually too. All it really does however, (to women and men) is make them feel worse about themselves on a spiritual level. By this I don't mean traditional religious spirituality either, but there is a whole lot more to us human beings than just our bodies and minds. Science would have us believe this is all baloney, but just because something cannot be explained, does not mean it cannot and does not exist.

I see the evidence of people that are in love, and those that have loved each other a lifetime, if their relationships were healthy and fulfilling, they looked no further than their own partners to provide them with all their needs. It was when the relationships weren't working out, that one or other partner went looking outside the union, without trying to work it out with their partner first.

I think the same theory might be behind fantasies too, maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. I believe if love and fulfillment are part of a couples lives, the passion stays strong between them, and it doesn't make room for fantasies (or reality) about other people sexually.

I may well be shot down for my beliefs, but they are my own... Sorry if I have offended anybody, this was not my intention, merely to get a thought train going.

[Clearmind]

Front runner, have you had a think about the reasons why maybe the relationship was so sexual in nature, with possibly little else? And why that may have been OK for you?

[Front runner]

Hi Clearmind,

I think the sex was great due to the BPD ex and how she made me feel.

In the past in relationships with non BPDs I have often had quite a boring sex life and have felt

Quite unmotivated and moved on

The BPDex re activated me sexually in a big way and sex became the cornerstone

Of the relationship.

In the beginning she pushed me the whole time, waking me up at 2am to perform which I did.

We used to brag to tell each other how many times we did it in a night. The more times we did it the better I felt. It boosted my confidence and self worth.

It was great not having to think about 'getting it up' or performing. Sex was a very powerful tool for her and in turn boosted my self worth massively.

I don't know how much she actually enjoyed the sex. She didn't orgasm a lot. But she certainly enjoyed the act.

Importantly, I think the sex was a bit detached. I'm not quite sure how.

Also when we saw each other the last time on my birthday and we were kissing. The first devaluing thing she said to me was 'you've been inside me enough times' .

So the sex was a big deal. She probably used it to keep me hooked and it also validated manhood. In past relationships getting it up and performing has been a big deal for me. Perhaps intimacy issues I don't know.

[peas]

As hot as I was for my exBPD man, when it came down to it the sex itself was sometimes underwhelming. I have not experienced that before. In my mind I was ragingly horny for my ex and I thought he was such a stud and I would have had sex anywhere and anyway he wanted. Pleasing him turned me on. But I recall expecting a higher, more intense feeling when we would actually have intercourse. Reality didn't match up to my mind and fantasies.

I also started resenting him because he would not pleasure me like I wanted. He knew I wanted foreplay and sex often but I think he deliberately held out on many occasions because he had to maintain control of how and when we did it. He also is an alcoholic and sex during the devaluation phase was usually when he was drunk.

It got to the point where I was tired of asking for sexual intimacy. He made me feel bad when he ignored foreplay. It hurt my feelings beyond a sexual frustration -- it made me feel unimportant, which I interpreted as him not loving me.

Having said all that, as a single person when I pleasure myself now I have to really concentrate on NOT thinking about my exBPD guy. We may not have had the most explosive sex, but I miss the intimacy (the times we actually had it) and the familiarity of his body. I super miss falling asleep in his arms. That really gets me.

[Front runner]

This obsession about who she's been with. Both when in our relationship

And particularly now is scrambling my brain. On the one hand I long to

Get back together with her and on the other I know she's been with

Other people since we split. It's like a diabolical hook or a catch or grotesque catch 22.

Do I want to completely Destroy myself?

What's the deal here?

[Front runner]

In my head I'm imagining her trading sex for drugs.

Dont know whether I want to puke, rescue her, take her to bed or all three.

[Clearmind]

You may want to save her? Protect her, take care of her, knight in shining armour?

[Front runner]

Quotes from Rollercoaster

For example, I found in all my relationships, that when things started to go really wrong, (immense pain from their behaviours towards me) I found myself fantasising whenever I made love with partners (past and now recently exBP) about them with other women and me watching.

In the past, I spoke with therapists about this, and they suggested that perhaps I was putting other women in my fantasies because either A; there was too much pain going on in the relationships to put myself in such an intimate picture, or B; that perhaps I didn't feel good enough physically to be there due to partners rejections of me during the relationships.

All it really does however, (to women and men) is make them feel worse about themselves on a spiritual level.

I see the evidence of people that are in love, and those that have loved each other a lifetime, if their relationships were healthy and fulfilling, they looked no further than their own partners to provide them with all their needs.



I think a lot of it has to do with a massive lack of self worth on our parts.  It is one of the main reasons why we stayed  in the relationship in the first place.  Fulfiilling their needs and continuing to do so at whatever cost to ourselves.  They used sex as part of their relationship strategy.  Our reward for meeting their needs.  That reward was taken away and given to someone else when we failed to meet their needs.  As punishment.  I often felt like I was being punished.  For example when I was taking care of my son for the weekend and was therefore not able to meet her needs she would 'go off'.  Just writing that makes me absolutely livid!.

So where does the origin of this reward come from and why is getting it so important to us?  Deep rooted in childhood no doubt

[Front runner]

You may want to save her? Protect her, take care of her, knight in shining armour?

Definitely a part of me does.  Why do we want to save someone who has sabotaged the relationship and us in the process?

Its driving me nuts! Why do we want to be with someone who show us zero respect and have nothing but contempt for us.

Ahhhhhhh

[Clearmind]

The answer lays here... .

So where does the origin of this reward come from and why is getting it so important to us?  :)eep rooted in childhood no doubt

We all learn our relationship skills from our childhood. We choose relationship partners and stay because our childhood has dictated it.