Another borderline...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, just as I though it would be over... .

I have been NC with my xBPDh since March this year.  I have been healing from childhood wounds and scuttling to get more part time jobs to grow income until I get a real job.  I have been struggling staying in this suburban city of my childhood wounds.  I stay because I get some income passive cash flow.  So, I have been going to the bigger city 1 hour away to get to CODA and abuse groups, meditation, tai chi,  to seek solace and feeling of belonging in groups that edify and give some sort of acceptance.  I'm looking for a family and community.

So 2 weeks ago on Craigslist I found a cheap lodging with this woman in her studio, I'll call her C.  I put down deposits and first month rent right away because it was so cheap.  I saw red flags of a PD right away.  She was complaining her previous roommate, how they ended badly with fights.  C gave me her previous roommate's phone number to call her to get her stuff in the apartment that she left because her previous roommate put a block on her phone.  I took it down knowing from the beginning to keep my boundaries high with C.  Most everyday, C would be calling and texting me about various issues she wanted me to be involved in and I said no at times to her.  I heard her frantic accusations, blames, illogical rants.  She has also called her twin sister and complained that I have done something to invade her privacy when I'm sleeping.  The apartment complex made me co-sign the month to month lease to stay on.  I didn't want to sign, but C had my money and she would not give it back to me.  I asked and she abruptly said, no I don't have it, I spent it already.

Last night C went into a rage when I said I did not want to move my partition to a smaller space as she demanded (she said she cant pass through because of her heavy size)and she lost it.  She said move out, and started to threaten I'm 1/2 responsible for the paying the lease, etc., she's going to keep all the money, and she won't release me of her lease, that she won't be disrespected in her apartment, etc.  Well,  THIS ALL SOUNDS FAMILIAR.  I even recorded some of her bantering on my iphone like I used to do with my ex.  She stopped after she took a shower and came out crying, saying she doesn't want to fight, and then I acted concerned, and said I didn't want to fight either, and I went back to my corner of my studio.

I called my sister that evening and I told her that C is crazy.  Now, I could put boundaries on myself easily because I'm not emotionally attached to her like I was with my ex.  My sister suggested to give the apartment notice to leave.  She reminded me that my emotional sanity needs to be protected, especially now and all I've recently been through with my ex.  I wanted this time to be of healing with groups in the city.  

The next morning I called C's old roommate, reaching out for help.  She is an older woman, a previous attorney, and I left a message to call me.  She called me back and she sounded very calm and grounded.  She told me that C lies and steals.  She told me another story where C followed her to the laundry room and scared her by appearing suddenly saying she has no rights to use the laundry room, and she was so scared, she ran.  She told me of C has a sweet side and then a raging side to her.  She told me more I won't get into.   She thinks C is either bipolar or borderline.  I told her that I know very well of Boderlines and how to keep my boundaries up.  She suggested I get out as quickly and smartly as possible.  She told me to talk with the rental management.  She has talked to them before and suggested that I talk with them to give notice without C knowing.  She had to end the phone call and she said she'll call me in 2 days.  

I went to the rental management and I told them that I am living with an unstable person.  The manager was out for the weekend, but the assistant reminded me of my rights being on the lease.  She gave me the whole speech about ""you knew she was like this why did you sign the lease" I said it's because she had my deposit and I paid her the month rent.  She said I might as well cut my losses.   But she did say that I can give notice anytime, I don't have to give the 30 day notice.  I was fearful that if I tell C that I want to leave early than our 6 mo. agreement she'll rage at me.  But, I also know that if she rages at me, I KNOW HOW TO PROTECT MYSELF.

Then I went back to the apartment (C was at work all day) and I found a text that she said she was sorry for our fight yesterday.   I said that's ok.

C is borderline.  I am not panicking like I always did with my ex.  THIS TIME I AM CLEAR I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS INTO MY LIFE ANY LONGER.  My plan is to play nice with C until I could get to another better living situation.  I don't know how long it will take, but I will not reveal anything to C of my doings until I have a safer place to live.  

I have already learned my lesson.

More later as this progresses... .

[dharmagems]

Well, just as I though it would be over... .

I have been NC with my xBPDh since March this year.  I have been healing from childhood wounds and scuttling to get more part time jobs to grow income until I get a real job.  I have been struggling staying in this suburban city of my childhood wounds.  I stay because I get some income passive cash flow.  So, I have been going to the bigger city 1 hour away to get to CODA and abuse groups, meditation, tai chi,  to seek solace and feeling of belonging in groups that edify and give some sort of acceptance.  I'm looking for a family and community.

So 2 weeks ago on Craigslist I found a cheap lodging with this woman in her studio, I'll call her C.  I put down deposits and first month rent right away because it was so cheap.  I saw red flags of a PD right away.  She was complaining her previous roommate, how they ended badly with fights.  C gave me her previous roommate's phone number to call her to get her stuff in the apartment that she left because her previous roommate put a block on her phone.  I took it down knowing from the beginning to keep my boundaries high with C.  Most everyday, C would be calling and texting me about various issues she wanted me to be involved in and I said no at times to her.  I heard her frantic accusations, blames, illogical rants.  She has also called her twin sister and complained that I have done something to invade her privacy when I'm sleeping.  The apartment complex made me co-sign the month to month lease to stay on.  I didn't want to sign, but C had my money and she would not give it back to me.  I asked and she abruptly said, no I don't have it, I spent it already.

Last night C went into a rage when I said I did not want to move my partition to a smaller space as she demanded (she said she cant pass through because of her heavy size)and she lost it.  She said move out, and started to threaten I'm 1/2 responsible for the paying the lease, etc., she's going to keep all the money, and she won't release me of her lease, that she won't be disrespected in her apartment, etc.  Well,  THIS ALL SOUNDS FAMILIAR.  I even recorded some of her bantering on my iphone like I used to do with my ex.  She stopped after she took a shower and came out crying, saying she doesn't want to fight, and then I acted concerned, and said I didn't want to fight either, and I went back to my corner of my studio.

I called my sister that evening and I told her that C is crazy.  Now, I could put boundaries on myself easily because I'm not emotionally attached to her like I was with my ex.  My sister suggested to give the apartment notice to leave.  She reminded me that my emotional sanity needs to be protected, especially now and all I've recently been through with my ex.  I wanted this time to be of healing with groups in the city.  

The next morning I called C's old roommate, reaching out for help.  She is an older woman, a previous attorney, and I left a message to call me.  She called me back and she sounded very calm and grounded.  She told me that C lies and steals.  She told me another story where C followed her to the laundry room and scared her by appearing suddenly saying she has no rights to use the laundry room, and she was so scared, she ran.  She told me of C has a sweet side and then a raging side to her.  She told me more I won't get into.   She thinks C is either bipolar or borderline.  I told her that I know very well of Boderlines and how to keep my boundaries up.  She suggested I get out as quickly and smartly as possible.  She told me to talk with the rental management.  She has talked to them before and suggested that I talk with them to give notice without C knowing.  She had to end the phone call and she said she'll call me in 2 days.  

I went to the rental management and I told them that I am living with an unstable person.  The manager was out for the weekend, but the assistant reminded me of my rights being on the lease.  She gave me the whole speech about ""you knew she was like this why did you sign the lease" I said it's because she had my deposit and I paid her the month rent.  She said I might as well cut my losses.   But she did say that I can give notice anytime, I don't have to give the 30 day notice.  I was fearful that if I tell C that I want to leave early than our 6 mo. agreement she'll rage at me.  But, I also know that if she rages at me, I KNOW HOW TO PROTECT MYSELF.

Then I went back to the apartment (C was at work all day) and I found a text that she said she was sorry for our fight yesterday.   I said that's ok.

C is borderline.  I am not panicking like I always did with my ex.  THIS TIME I AM CLEAR I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS INTO MY LIFE ANY LONGER.  My plan is to play nice with C until I could get to another better living situation.  I don't know how long it will take, but I will not reveal anything to C of my doings until I have a safer place to live.  

I have already learned my lesson.

More later as this progresses... .

[Cumulus]

My first thought was one of sympathy for your situation. My second thought was how validating this situation is for you. You were able to recognize the behaviours, name the behaviours, feel your own emotions in regard to the behaviours and now you are dealing with the issues surrounding the situation. I think this sounds like great practise grounds, no emotional or romantic entanglements so much easier to detach and just watch the attempts at manipulation and control. All the best, Cumulus.

[dharmagems]

Thank you dear Cumulus for the recognition of my choice.  I read your response in joy and acknowledgement.

So last night I came back late to the studio room.  She was loud speaking talking to someone on the phone and I heard things like:  "I'm scared that I need to protect myself because what she doesn't want to get off my lease to hurt me; She could make trouble I don't know her very well; I'm traumatized about  my previous roommate and she doesn't understand;  I think she wants to take advantage of my situation; I'm very giving and I don't use people; Most people wouldn't want to fight and use domestic violence like she did; I'm a good person, I just cried when she fought me; If this were a different situation she would have been hit".  She was referring to me.

I recorded this on my iphone.  Sounds familiar?

This morning she was making me sign a personal agreement that I would leave when her husband comes from abroad.  This is when I turned on my ipnone to record the conversation.  I asked her if I give 30 day to leave this living situation, would she release me from being a co-signer to the lease.  She blew up.  Accusing me,  blaming me, threatening me with her legal action, and crying.  I kept saying that my heart was unhappy living here with all this stress, and I want to find a more peaceful living environment.  I said I'm telling her now so she could look for another roommate in this time.  

I went downstairs to the apartment office and officially gave notice that I'm leaving.

Then I went to go with a Meetup group to ride 25 miles touring the city.  Not once did I think about her on the tour.  I really enjoyed this summer weather and enjoyed the group, and enjoyed my body's feel on the bike and the wind and the views.

The tour ended and I drove to my CODA meeting and told them in 3 mins my situation and how I feel empowered and validated (thanks Cumulus) and how I got to practice my new skills on handle borderlines.  I told them that I had to stop myself from at one point telling her how to change and how to fix her problems.   I told them that THIS IS MY TIME TO HEAL.  I WILL ONLY ATTRACT HEALING ENGERIES TO MYSELF AND I'M GOING TO AFFIRM THAT AND GET RID OF ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THAT.  And yes, it is easier because I don't have emotional or romantic attachments to her.  Afterwards, 3 people gave me a hug and I saw the smiles on their face that they acknowleged my actions.  

Tonight is a good night because I'm resting from the bike ride and feeling a new sense of satisfaction and power.  When I go back to the apartment tonight, I'm going to have to deal with all the BPD lashing out from this point on.  I say:  bring it! I will go on living my life, oh,  but there is a new energy in me.

[dharmagems]

There is a reason my higher power put in front of me another BPD person in my life... . so I could see my own strength.

I didn't tell you the rest of this story.  Last week, this pwBPD wanted the furniture she sold to me, to buy it back.  She texted this.  I stated my boundaries with no, I am taking the furniture when I leave.  She texted on the phone that she is going to tell the police I put my hairbrush in her face and that I took her jewerly box.  I said that if she continues I will put a block on her on my phone.  She said she will move my stuff off the shelves on the couch because that was her furniture.  I then put a block on her phone.

That evening I came back home late, my things were off the shelve on the couch and furniture arranged.  I said, "that is wrong to touch my stuff!  you should have not done that!"  She then called the police.  She was also on skype with her husband abroad.  The police came and she said I put my fist in her face and threatened her.  The police saw the moved items and furniture.  I took them aside and said she was mentally ill, a borderline.  I am leaving at the end of the month, and I just want to do it safely.  The police left and said if they are called again, we will both go to jail for the evening and speak with the judge in the morning.  They left and she called me so many profanities on and on.  She kept saying to leave her stuff alone, unplugging the light because it was hers.   She was on the phone with her bipolar twin sister and kept on for hours personally attacking me, saying I am a little whore, I suck men's c**k at my job, my ex husband left me because I beat him, using profanities about my culture,... . on till 1 am.  I left to sleep in my car.  I record everything I can. 

The only difference between this woman and my husband in this escalated rage episode was that I was not panicking.  It all is really a farce.  The amazing thingI was completely aware and not emotionally attached and surprisingly level-headed. 

The next days, I was going to work, trying in the evenings to call on Craigslist and look for other living situations, and going to CODA meetings.  I was also sleeping in my car at nights and coming up to prep for work in the morning.  Every morning she would act up with accusations, name calling, threats, and I just ignored it.

I feel a lack of sleep, and exhausted that I am so detatched.  I am just getting through the motions to get out of the situation.  I also made arrangements to take the furniture I bought from her. 

This week I finally found another room to live in and it's decent with seemingly sane people for the beginning of the month.   

OH MY GOD!  In my exhaustion, I must say, I am finding my new-found strength.  I guess God put this in front of me, smacking me in the face, testing me.  I must say, this is an opportunity of growth, and I did it.  I am getting rid of her so fast, I'm not going through any emotions of regret, thinking twice, or crying that I am a victim. 

What a test!