The Loss of Confidence

[bb12]

So I've found that one of the most peculiar legacies of Borderline abuse is the fundamental damage it does to confidence. It's like my ability to trust my instincts has been decimated. In my case the devaluation / discard phases were swift and brutal and I can get a bit stuck at the lack of closure and the fact that someone I cared for so much could completely disappear like that.

I am fine now for the most part... .I prefer NC now instead of having to force myself to maintain it. But as I go about my life, my confidence is shot and I can be filled with enormous fear and panic at very short notice.

My role at work demands a bit of public speaking and I have begun to develop phobias in this regard. My own suspicion is that the fundamental message in my exBPD's silent treatment (e.g. you are invalidated; not worth my time etc.) is having an effect.

Does anyone have any good tips for flipping negative self beliefs? Or for challenging things so as to return to confidence?

I have been stuck in 'understanding' for so long and worry that I am observing my life more than living it... you know?

All advice appreciated

BB12

[SeekerofTruth]

bb:

Self-confidence used to be my strength. It's disappeared.  And it happend so indirectly over and over again.

If stuck... .yes, yoga definitely helps.  I especially find alignment based yoga very very helpful in shifting things back to a more fluid state.

Then, to be able to switch our internal (subconscious) story of victimization to one of redemption--- taking care of our inner self... .and practicing there, I believe gets us through to where we can find ourselves again... .anew

[bb12]

Thanks SeekerofTruth

The loss of confidence really is indirect, isn't it?

But the good news is that I can feel very redeemed and not a victim to any of this stuff anymore. I do feel like I am renewed in so many ways. And I am enormously grateful to have been destroyed so as to rebuild. Ruin is the road to reinvention etc.

But the final cog to turn is confidence or self-belief or something. I know on so many levels that I needed to address some big stuff and have done that. I live a more conscious life now and it's great. But with that comes self-consciousness and that is taking me out of the moment. It's like I can't feel things as they are happening because I am hyper-vigilant or something.

Thanks for your advice. I think you are right and that there is something very true about physical alignment and emotional alignment. Chi points back in working order etc.

I am careful not to apply my unrelenting standards schema to my healing, and to cut myself some slack. But on those days when I am crippled by panic, insecurity and low self-worth, I want to burst through it to personal freedom and stay there, you know?

I suspect I am just getting to know myself and my own needs and wants for the first time. And I need to give myself the same respect I give others as I get to know them... .and not demand everything so quickly.

BB12

[findingmyselfagain]

bb12,

I believe our stories are kind of similar... .falling in love quickly and ending just as suddenly without any rational explanation. It's taking me a long time to get confidence in my own judgment, and in women and the Universe in general, and figuring out what "love" is and what I really do want. My way of going easy on myself is just trusting that I have some healing to do and don't need to rush into something. I recognize it's better if it takes what I might think might be a long time if that's what it takes to find a healthy, lasting relationship. Once I've internalized that, I actually feel more confident I'll make the correct decision and feel healthier. I've had a lot of first dates, but I don't think I've projected nearly enough energy to build it into something long term. Work has been stressful for me and diabetes is hard to manage because negative emotions throw off my blood sugars. Dealing with the aftermath of the failed relationship and the sadness is just that much harder on top of all that. So I think I've done well to press on despite a lack of visible success. I'm slowly but surely getting back on my feet. It's been a battle of battles. I hope I'll be able to soften up again and open myself up to a good woman. It may be a while, or it may be soon. What's helped me is accepting that it will take however long it takes.

[bb12]

I recognize it's better if it takes what I might think might be a long time if that's what it takes to find a healthy, lasting relationship. Dealing with the aftermath of the failed relationship and the sadness is just that much harder on top of all that. I've done well to press on despite a lack of visible success. I'm slowly but surely getting back on my feet. It's been a battle of battles. I hope I'll be able to soften up again and open myself up to a good woman. It may be a while, or it may be soon. What's helped me is accepting that it will take however long it takes.

Hi FMSA

Yeah - our stories are very similar. I remember reading your posts when I first got here. Our healing seems similar too... .especially the part about being soft enough to open up again. I feel so awkward on first dates. I am monitoring myself way too closely and seem to have lost the ability to lose myself in conversation. I am too aware of sussing them out for BPD and stopping any codependent habits I might have! LOL. Bottom line: I am miles away from a r/ship and my default mode is to not even try. Been 18 months of TV and psych reading!

I need to go gentle on myself and do as you do... .acceptance... .that it will take as long as it takes. Actually acceptance is the key to life, don't you think? Hard for a CoDa to do, but there it is.

BB12

[charred]

Sounds like shame to me.

Shame makes you feel like you are bad/worthless/low/weak/inferior/waste of space.


When we are in an r/s with a pwBPD... the connection is very intense/strong. They come on idealizing us/mirroring us/love bombing... .and it seems like unconditional love... .which is easy to over-react to by putting the pwBPD on a pedestal and treating them like a caring primary r/s. We don't intentionally do that, but transference happens... the pwBPD goes from sweet and caring to horrid and raging and instead of calling them on it... .we take it and feel shamed and ... .well we are drawn back to being like a kid getting in trouble. The pwBPD seems to always have a grain of truth to what they are upset about... and we want the unconditional love we thought we had back and will jump through hoops to get it. Then if we are suddenly dumped it is devastating like losing a parent... .but before that we can absorb an amazing amount of very hurtful abuse. The flood of emotions a pwBPD can elicit can be overwhelming, if you are left abruptly... .you feel deep loss and depression, and can easily ruminate on everything bad that was said to you and take it to heart as shame.

Guilt is healthier... and easier to deal with, as it is a reaction to some behavior you did that isn't consistent with your principles and who you are. I am working on accepting that my mistakes in getting a divorce to be with a pwBPD was bad judgement and a series of mistakes... not that "I am bad, I suck."

To feel confident you have to love yourself and be forgiving of yourself, but that is hard where shame is strong. You get past shame by sharing with people who empathize. Being good to yourself and fixing the hole that you thought the pwBPD filled. Instead of filling it, they took a scab and pulled it off and made the wounds hurt again (all that hating/painting black is like chucking salt and alcohol on the cuts... it really brings in some intense pain.)

The hole is probably from lack of connections/intimacy. I know I kept people at arms length (to keep from getting hurt)... had lots of acquaintances, but few real friends as i didn't let people get close. My pwBPD ignored my boundaries, tossed sex at me as a substitute for intimacy and when combined with the apparent unconditional love... .really screwed with my head for a while. My confidence is slowly coming back... but it is taking active effort.

Brene Brown's book's like "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)... .and Daring Greatly, are good explanations of the r/s between shame and feeling joy and how all this stuff is based on needing intimate connections... .but shame more than anything else gets in the way.

[bb12]

Thanks Charred. Just bought both of those books on Amazon

Shame is very entrenched in me. Always been I'm about to get in trouble you know? Very childlike and shame-based outlook. Definitely contributed to the severity of my reaction to borderline break up and probably my recovery

Bb12

[SeekerofTruth]

BB:

I've reread your iniital post which began this thread.  I'm struck by the succint and to-the-point subtle yet profound gems of insight as it pertains to negative traumitization of the surreal drama we've either been thru or are working through.

I think you've really NAILED a fundamental negative "switch" that gets switched in our wiring, especially if by nature we are the caring, caretaker, whose caregiving got sucked into some vacuum of BPD mental illness we began to dance with as loving partners.

   I have been stuck in 'understanding' for so long and worry that I am observing my life more than living it... you know?

WOW!  INDEED.  I know!

[turtle]

Sounds like shame to me.

Shame makes you feel like you are bad/worthless/low/weak/inferior/waste of space.


The hole is probably from lack of connections/intimacy. I know I kept people at arms length (to keep from getting hurt)...  

My confidence is slowly coming back... but it is taking active effort.

Brene Brown's book's like "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)... .and Daring Greatly, are good explanations of the r/s between shame and feeling joy and how all this stuff is based on needing intimate connections... .but shame more than anything else gets in the way.

Charred --  Thank you for your post.

I think I've become so conditioned to thinking about THEIR shame (as we know, EVERYTHING is about THEM ,) that I've ignored my own. I hadn't really thought about "shame" in my own persona until I read this thread.  I've been around here forever and shame is discussed a lot, so I'm not sure why I didn't see that until today.  Maybe it's because I'm dealing with a different situation now and that's causing me to scratch my head.

I do know that am deeply embarrassed about allowing myself to get involved with toxic people.  Then I am further embarrassed by the choices I've made to hang around for their continued abuse - which, of course, sends the message to them that it's okay to treat me like sh!t.  I've always used the word "embarrassed."  Today, I see that "shame" may be more appropriate.

I don't know that I feel a lack of confidence, per se, but I definitely have a lack of interest in meeting or engaging with ANY new people - at ANY level - and I have felt this way for a long time.  I'm finally (after years of feeling this way) finding this a bit concerning.  I have good friends, and I am grateful for that. However, the standard joke about me with my friends is that if you aren't grandfathered in, I don't want to know you.  It's kind of funny, I guess, but it's not really the kind of person I want to be.

I put both of the books you recommended on my library list.  You have no idea what a big deal that is!  I quit reading self help books (especially books about BPD) a very long time ago.  I just got sick of it.  And the truth is... .I no longer care about BPD, but I DO care about my own mental health and this topic is good for me!

Thanks bb12 for starting it.

turtle

[SeekerofTruth]

T:

Yes, lots of emotions get played out.  Shame.  That's one of the one's associated with core vulnerabilites we carry into adulthood, usually associated within our own family of origin dymics,  That whole hidden shame-based sense of self, we may not even be aware of, as it shadows us around... .is likely very closely linked to an underlying lack of self-esteem, which we may also have covered up thru overachievement and other roles in our adult lives, but its still lurking in need of repair.

In contrast, guilt.  Guilt usually implies, we know we did wrong or messed up, and by implication take culpability for and seek to make amends as a way of being accountable.

Embarrasment.  Also, okay.  And not so bad.  Generally that little red blush of embarrassment, can signify an "opps", and with that "oops" perhaps i should have known better--- there is a recognition or a faux paux (mistake) and signals an internal awakening to want to do better next time.  At least those are my takes, in working thru feelings with others and myself.

[peas]

No one on this thread yet has mentioned anger. That's what I'm dealing with daily, post-BPD breakup. I have a fair amount of guilt over what my ex needed and I couldn't give, and I have some regret about major decisions that had a negative impact on the r/s. I do not carry too much shame. Or maybe I do and I don't recognize it. My obstacle so far has been straight-up anger. Anger at him for being dishonest, anger at his weaknesses that sucked me in and prevented a healthy r/s foundation, and some anger at my own life for generally being unhappy, scared and lost. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi bb12, In my view, it's easy to lose yourself in the BPD quagmire so I think it's normal to need a period of time to re-connect with oneself.  Plus, I think just being in a BPD r/s requires one to ignore obvious red flags.      For me, the road back has included paying attention to the gut feelings that I denied for so long.  Now I strive to do "below-the-neck" thinking!  I suspect you will slowly start to notice things that feel meaningful.  It could be something as simple as hearing a song on the radio that you like, or spotting an interesting bird in a tree, or revisiting an activity that you used to enjoy but haven't done for a long time, such as doing artwork or bicycling.  You get the idea!  Soon you may find that you are leading an authentic life again, which is my goal.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[charred]

Sounds like shame to me.

Shame makes you feel like you are bad/worthless/low/weak/inferior/waste of space.


The hole is probably from lack of connections/intimacy. I know I kept people at arms length (to keep from getting hurt)...  

My confidence is slowly coming back... but it is taking active effort.

Brene Brown's book's like "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)... .and Daring Greatly, are good explanations of the r/s between shame and feeling joy and how all this stuff is based on needing intimate connections... .but shame more than anything else gets in the way.

Charred --  Thank you for your post.

I think I've become so conditioned to thinking about THEIR shame (as we know, EVERYTHING is about THEM ,) that I've ignored my own. I hadn't really thought about "shame" in my own persona until I read this thread.  I've been around here forever and shame is discussed a lot, so I'm not sure why I didn't see that until today.  Maybe it's because I'm dealing with a different situation now and that's causing me to scratch my head.

I do know that am deeply embarrassed about allowing myself to get involved with toxic people.  Then I am further embarrassed by the choices I've made to hang around for their continued abuse - which, of course, sends the message to them that it's okay to treat me like sh!t.  I've always used the word "embarrassed."  Today, I see that "shame" may be more appropriate.

I don't know that I feel a lack of confidence, per se, but I definitely have a lack of interest in meeting or engaging with ANY new people - at ANY level - and I have felt this way for a long time.  I'm finally (after years of feeling this way) finding this a bit concerning.  I have good friends, and I am grateful for that. However, the standard joke about me with my friends is that if you aren't grandfathered in, I don't want to know you.  It's kind of funny, I guess, but it's not really the kind of person I want to be.

I put both of the books you recommended on my library list.  You have no idea what a big deal that is!  I quit reading self help books (especially books about BPD) a very long time ago.  I just got sick of it.  And the truth is... .I no longer care about BPD, but I DO care about my own mental health and this topic is good for me!

Thanks bb12 for starting it.

turtle

Daring greatly is really good... her other earlier books are good as well, but daring greatly covers the same ground... so if you are just reading one... .thats the one. Really clarified a lot of things for me... terms too. I was sure that my attachment issues were same thing as a "lack of connection"... .so I just needed to connect. Turns out I was  really lumping a lot of stuff together... she broke down the difference between shame, humiliation, guilt, and embarrassment for instance, and how you deal with each one, what they lead to and it really resonated with me. I saw my root problem as lack of connecting with people... .but after reading it is one step farther down... trying to avoid vulnerability... .that has been the problem. I have read about 350 psych/self help books... .and its now got the top position of all of them... I think its that good. On amazon its like $13 in hardback... .NY Times #1 bestseller.

I judge books by how much meat is in them, read with a highlighter and if its good re-read it with a pen to comment and emphasize the really good stuff... my copy is a yellow scribbly mess.  It is a how to manual on living an authentic life... and getting there from chasing your tail.

[Learning_curve74]

Thanks for the insight on distinguishing shame from guilt, charred, excellent points to remember in our self-examination.

On a practical level of regaining confidence, check out this TED talk by Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are. Most people know that thoughts can change your emotions, and emotions can change your thoughts. But what might be lesser known is that your body language can change your emotions. The upshot is whatever you want to be, if you can go through the motions, it actually helps to turn you into that person you want to be.