This morning my stbx engaged me in conversation and against my better judgement, I started talking to him.
As we navigate through recovery in a healthier manner, we need to focus more on our feelings, responses, and actions. All on here, have endured childhood trauma, that landed us with others, with strong PD traits. You knew where this was going, yet you still engaged, hmmm. What does this say about you?
Of course things got out of hand and I just couldn't take his BS any more and I let him have it. I told him he was a mean, nasty, rotten person and he was a bully not only to me but to his children as well.
Anger is not a stand alone emotion, and your stbx is not the origin of your pain. Relating this to a past r/s, or childhood experiences, anything other than the ex, would go further in your recovery, and bring you closer to the origin. We are a society that fixes symptoms, not origins of the issues. This may give you momentary gratification of sorts, but it will be short lived, and most likely make the situation worse.
I told him that his x-fiancé (the one before me and the lucky one) and I were unable to have relationships with him and pretty soon his new GF will be the one to be bullied, verbally abused and ignored.
I was guilty of this also. Its hard not to use this new found knowledge as a weapon. Keep in mind that you are dealing with a childs mentality and these conversations are only prohibiting your recovery. Its very common for us to process these relationships in a reverse order, for our healing in a healthy way. I processed the ex, then the r/s... .low and behold, I finally got to myself. Most seem to dive into another r/s, before they get this far, and more times than not, its more of the same. Truly understanding our thoughts, feelings, motives and actions, allows us to see clearly through others. The blinders come off.
I also told him that he's just a predator looking for prey and he was not even able to have healthy relationships with his family. I kept telling him over and over what a mean, rotten, nasty person he was.
It seems for now, you feel the need, to wield the sword at him. May I suggest that you take him from the cross hairs, place a bat in your hands, and whack a tree until you are physically exhausted. Learning how to feel your feelings, all the way through, and come to peace with them, in a way that keeps your dignity, will give you more for your buck. Engaging with crazy, has only one result. You both look crazy... .Your use of predetor, puts you in the martyr role, as if you didnt make decisions to land you here. This is counter productive, but gives you justification. Whether its anger, sadness, or happiness, feel it through. They are just feelings, and they will pass. So as long as no self harming actions take place, this is the healthy way.
What do you think this will do to him
Spoken as a true co dependent sufferer. Does it really matter? Whats done is done, and the only thing one can do, is process it, and make changes to ones behavior in the future... .My personnel experience was, that it just entrenched deeper in her mind, that I am the cause of all of her pain. It gave her ammo to approach mutual acquaintances, to further her facade, and whatever a person, with a part time self, does. It did give me the reason, to request an email only, communication line. This gave me the space I needed, to start my healing. With two daughters caught in the middle, one of us needed to stop the war. I was no longer feeding the BPD machine... .From what i understand about the ex. She probably started to think about what I said, started to feel the abandonment depression, and made a quick attachment to another unsuspecting person, only to wash, rinse, repeat, just as she did with me for 12+ years.
if anything and what do you think might happen to me?
Hopefully, you are able to use logical mind and make a decision that benefits you and your children. Regardless what it looks like to others... .What is it, that you want to happen?
I wish you well, PEACE
