where am I?

[myself]

I vote for being completely truthful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunflowerFields]

P&C,

You wouldn't expect a diabetic friend to eat and behave the way non-diabetics do. You would accept he has diabetes and either (1) ate what he eats; (2) ate your thing and he ate his; (3) chose to eat with another friend if you wanted someone to join you in eating what you want to eat.

You would not keep wishing his diabetes away (hopefully).

Still, you keep wanting a diabetic not to be diabetic. You keep wanting to understand his diabetes away. You keep wanting him to eat what he cannot eat.

A child goes, "I want that, I want that, I want that!" Even though she cannot realistically have it.

Who do you think is the realistic one here? You or him?

Question for you:

Do you understand that he cannot do what you want from him? That he is incapable of it?

Your first task is to see if you are able to accepting that.

If you are - and if you do - then your choice will be more clear what to do.

If you are not - you will keep coming back here, with variations of same questions. Nothing will significantly change. Which is ok, too. That, too, is your choice. 

[LetItBe]

Seashells... .

Wow!  You got it goin' on and are a beautiful writer

clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

 

I agree!  P&C, I just wanted to briefly chime in (as I'm time-crunched, too) and say that I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.  Also, I completely agree with every bit of Seashells' post.  I couldn't have said it better myself!

[rosannadanna]

Seashells,

Preach it, girl!

[patientandclear]

Seashells ... .thank you.  I agree with everyone else about your great post.

Here is my question though.

In the end, this man's "problematic behavior" is just his coming & going.  It is only objectionable if you want to rail against the fundamental behavior of BPD, as many of you have pointed out.  He doesn't rage, he doesn't "cheat," in that we have formally defined our r/s as such that such a category doesn't exist.

And yet, the coming & going is super painful.

So I hear you (and others) about acceptance, living in the present, not playing out "what ifs."

But I'm not sure I get what y'all mean when you say I rationalize his bad behavior in terms of BPD.  That is exactly what it is, is it not?

So all that remains is for me to decide if it hurts too much for me to continue to allow him to have the access to me he seeks when he is in a "pull" mode.  And frankly, that is where I am today.  I've stepped back considerably and am not planning that we will have the same degree of emotional familiarity that we have had.  We were planning to meet each other in a third city in a few months, but where I am right now, that doesn't really make sense.

It feels almost as if we don't even know each other right now.  Even though, less than two weeks ago, we were closer than we'd been since we were "in love."  It is just the hardest thing to assimilate.  You all are right, I haven't fully accepted that the "away" parts are as much a natural part of the r/s as the together parts.  I keep thinking they are a mistake somehow, a mistake that can be rectified if I figure out the magic words or the magic thing to do.

[sm15000]

But I'm not sure I get what y'all mean when you say I rationalize his bad behavior in terms of BPD.  That is exactly what it is, is it not?

So all that remains is for me to decide if it hurts too much for me to continue to allow him to have the access to me he seeks when he is in a "pull" mode.  

Hi P&C  

I'm sorry you are still going through this with your ex. . .and I can tell it's causing you a lot of pain  

I think perhaps what others are trying to say is that BPD or not, there are some behaviours that if are hurting you, you have to step up and place a boundary. . .not be scared to do so and have to be willing to accept their reaction.  There are going to be times BPD or not that he will have to decide if he is going to step up and modify his behaviour.

I have just finished reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline. . .it mentions, when communicating, avoid using 'you'.

So. . .

It's important to me in a friendship to be consistent and not be really close at one time and then no contact

If that happens I feel I'm not valued as a friend

And if that continued I'd have to withdraw my friendship. . .you get the idea and then it would be up to him to step up to the mark or not.  

There is also a note to giving up any 'hope' in a BPD r/s. . .I know  

And also that, BPDs think only in the present, not the past or future. . .so I know it hurts you but he likely does not hold on to the same feelings of your past as you.  It really is very hard to process it, I know.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide  

[Want2know]

Thank you all for your responses. 

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