My 23yo. sd has BPD.

[Mazi]

Greetings,

I'm pleased to have found your community. I have a particularly difficult problem and have searched the internet over for applicable information to help me and help my family. I'm very awkward with introductions so I'll just give facts (and I'm rather desperate for information). My husband and I have been together over 4 years and have been married a little over 2 years. My husband's daughter has BPD, she's in her early 20's and lives on her own with a roommate. My sd blames my husband & me for every thing terrible in her life, (and to her, everything is terrible) though by most people's standards she lives a rather charmed life. She's very angry with my husband for divorcing her mother 3 years ago, &  blames me for their divorce (though I had absolutely nothing to do with their divorce). Sd lies terribly and does her best to manipulate my husband everytime he sees her (which is becoming less and less frequent). My heart hurts so badly for my husband, he loves his daughter but he doesn't want to see her because she's so terribly difficult and horribly angry with him, he doesn't know how to communicate with her (I know she's hurting, I can't do anything to help her, she truly hates me). In the beginning of our relationship she was pleasant, but when her father moved forward with his divorce, she became angry, paranoid and competative with me for my husbands attention, at first I thought this was normal step-mom/step-daughter issues, but she very quickly became hostile towards me; and then she was diagnosed with BPD, so we've been tippy toeing around her ever since. She seems to be getting worse; her primary goal is to become such a wedge in our lives that my husband divorces me and lives to be at her beck and call for the rest of his life. This whole situation is sad and disturbing and I don't know how help my husband. I know this is rather fragmented and I apologize for that, please, if anyone has any idea how I can help my husband find some peace in this madness I would truly appreciate the help. Thank you, Mazi

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Mazi and 

Trust me, you did just fine introducing yourself! And that is a very tough situation you're facing.

The pwBPD (person with BPD) sees things from a very different perspective than you and I do, and while it looks like their intent is to hurt it actually often comes from a place of hurt inside them. To your stepdaughter, the things she's doing make perfect sense from how she sees them, even though it doesn't to your husband or yourself. The great thing is, here at BPD family we have tools to help you communicate more effectively with your stepdaughter and even understand better what's going on with her, plus ways to take care of yourself in the midst of the intense situation we can find ourselves in when someone we love has BPD.

Would your husband be interested in joining the site as well? it could be very beneficial for him too.

This has some really valuable information for parents of a child with BPD: What can a parent do? (for parents of pwBPD) Even if it takes a bit to read through it, you'll gain insight that will help you get a better picture of what's going on with your stepdaughter, and of what impact you can have and how. I haven't read it all, but what I have looks really good!

If you decide to get further involved in our community, there are boards to help with specific r/s (relationship)s where you can get the input of senior members who have lots of experience and knowledge to share, plus the wider membership of others who have been and are right where you are now. It's so helpful to know we're not alone.

Again, welcome, and let me know what you think of that material. I think i'll go read the rest now.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Mazi,

Welcome!   I'm sorry that you're going through this with your SD. It's great that you're looking to support your DH--I'm sure this is difficult for him as well.

There are some good tools for communication here, and I think they'll help both you and your DH as you work on your relationships with your SD. What are you hoping will happen with her in the future?

You've found the right place for understanding and support. There are many parents and stepparents on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board who can offer you advice. We all understand how difficult it is to live with someone with BPD, and I encourage you to keep posting and use the lessons here to help you and your DH.

-GG

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Mazi,

I want to join DreamFlyer99 and GeekyGirl, in a warm 

I am so sorry your family situation is so stressful... .Trying to support a loved one w/BPD can be very confusing and frustrating. When we get to know the disorder, and understand what drives the behaviors, it gets easier to not take things personally and to focus on using the tools that help us be more effective in communicating with our pwBPD (person w/BPD). As a result, our lives get more peaceful and we are often able to help our loved one as well.

It does take time to learn about the disorder and the tools and techniques, but it is well worth it in the long run.

I understand your struggle... .Our situation is similar. I've been married for over 11 years and my step-daughter is 32. She's been married also and has 3 children. Luckily, I have entered the picture long after the divorce, but have born the brunt of her anger and jealousy nonetheless. She was always very close to her dad, and even though she is married, she kept an emotional 'claim' on her dad as well. As she needed our help over the years, she learned to 'tolerate' me, but I have felt that there was never a connection between us. We certainly did not like each other, even though I love her and am comitted to supporting her because she is my husband's daughter. In the last two years, we experienced some bizarre behaviors and found out about BPD. At the time, she was also blaming her dad for every trouble in her life and for the divorce etc. He was devastated by her behaviors and also did not know how to deal with her... .

As we learned more about BPD, we changed our approach (it IS counter-intuitive at times); and after a while, she slowly calmed down a bit and reached out to her dad again in a positive way. Fast forward eight months,  we have had them visit at our place, we have visited them, and are in contact - things are stabilizing, and my relationship with her is actually better than it has ever been... .

Not every child will respond so well; there are no quarantees, and we may also in the future experience some set-backs. But no-matter their response, your own lives will be more peaceful nonetheless.

You have found a good place with wonderful resources and members that understand what you are going through... .

How has your step-daughter responded to her diagnosis? Does she know that you know?