Unexpected Text

[KHC_33]

Tonight my ex texted me. It is ironic because on Thanksgiving my girlfriend who he has been friends with in the past (was telling me that he texted her the previous night talking and venting about me). Today his text to me was saying he hopes that we just need time, that his goal is that ultimately we will be reunited as a family again.

I am shocked. He knows it is over. My girlfriend even said that he admitted we broke up. He was very degrading towards not only me but my daughters as well with his conversations with my girlfriend.


I am shocked, angry, guilty, numb and hurt. All in one. I never responded.

When will I get to that point? Where and when do I get to that point that it won't put me in that state? I spoke with my counselor and she said seven years is a long time... .I have already healed so much but there is still more work to be done.

Every day I am thankful I get up, I am living my own life, my daughters are happy, I am enjoying my life finally. I have a wonderful man that just adores me. We both respect each other fully. We can just be ourselves.

Yet... .there's that part of me. That part of me that tried so hard for 6 1/2-7 years to deal with this man. This man who I really thought he loved me. I didn't know what love was. I thought I did. I am starting to realize in my journey stuff that I haven't even seen before. I am working on issues that I know that need to be worked on. We are all a work in progress. I know my perfectionist part comes out that I want to be perfect... .but I am learning that is okay. I don't have to be. I can be accepted for all my flaws as well as my wonderful side. I can love me for me and truly accept myself. Yes I made a mistake but I learned. Past ... you can't live there but you can learn from it. I am learning... .but I would like the emotions to tone down a bit. Instead of having my heart jump and my feel like everything is a blur when the thought of him being able to reach me is there.

I wish he would just get involved with someone so I can just be left alone. I confronted him and its over. There is no going back. Need I convince him more?

I did all I could. Now it's my turn to live.

[hopealways]

"I did all I could. Now it's my turn to live."

Beautifully said. and YES it is your turn to live.  I believe that the BPD relationship shakes us to the core in such a strong way that we finally tell ourselves precisely this.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Enough about being the emotional caretaker, Enough abuse, Enough walking on eggshells, Enough uncertainty.  That is not love, that is terror.  Congratulations to you for having the strength to live.

[Ironmanrises]

"I did all I could. Now it's my turn to live."

Beautifully said. and YES it is your turn to live.  I believe that the BPD relationship shakes us to the core in such a strong way that we finally tell ourselves precisely this.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Enough about being the emotional caretaker, Enough abuse, Enough walking on eggshells, Enough uncertainty.  That is not love, that is terror.  Congratulations to you for having the strength to live.

I second what Hope said.

And what is highlighted in bold.

There is nothing further... .

That can be done for... .

The pwBPD.

There never actually... .

Was... .

Anything that we could have done.

That is the brutal lesson... .

That we have had to learn... .

Via these relationships.

The destructive behavior... .

Of the disorder... .

Will negate... .

All that it encounters... .

Love... .

Being annihilated... .

In the process.

You did the right thing KHC.

[KHC_33]

Thank you both. It means a lot as I logged on today and read your replies. I know it wasn't truly what I wanted in a relationship. I would go to sleep dreaming of someone that would show me tenderness. Just that love... .that would or could not be shaken by ever mood swing, rage or attitude. It was like my world would slip from under me. Nothing could soften the blow. I couldn't fight it anymore. I got to the point where I did not want to fight it anymore. Broke my own heart and walked away because I just simply had just a small amount of love for myself that I needed to protect before it was gone. It's amazing how they can throw into a whirlwind of emotions and trying to sort them feels like an impossible task. Like you said it's done... .

I don't have to look back.

I don't have to feel guilty

I am at a place where I WANT to be. No one has put me there. It was by my own doing.

That is the biggest thing. Sometimes people walk into things and just say well this is life... .without being fully aware or conscious. I have had to step back numberous of times and check and recheck my life. Is this what I want? Where am I going? Is this who I want to be with? Are these people positive and show true healthy relationship? I can honestly say I have gained strength... .but the strength stems I am afraid from the anger I have. I have yet to let that go. I think because I went through so many years never releasing that anger. I built it all up. Now I am feeling it. All of it at once. I wanted to punch back, I wanted to show I am stronger, I wanted prove that he didn't bring me so low.

His expectations were through the roof because of my past with my mother. I felt I had to meet every single one of them. Now I don't. I only meet mine and my daughters. That is the only ones who matter. No one else. I will not be a people pleaser anymore. Only me.