Why do they hate themselves?

[Theo41]

Recently there was a thread in which participants where questioning the idea,put forward by experienced professionals, that people with BPD almost always hate themselves and frequently view themselves as "evil," because their hate seems to be directed outward towards us.

My take on this , after giving it some thought, is that while most people with BPD are in total denial about their condition and behavior, at some level they are acutely aware of how awful they treat others.  Knowing how badly they sometimes behave (perhaps despite better intentions) they conclude they, at the core, are evil or at least deserving of hate. Additionally, since a key trait of BPDs is "projection, " they displace their hate onto those closest to them in anyway possible. They often pick up on the smallest afront or mistake, real or imagined, as a way to displace the anger, frustration and hate away from themselves and onto someone else, someone who has enough invested not to immediately depart the relationship:)

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[MrsMcB]

My husband does this projecting,& if you are not wiling to absorb the feelings he is feeling at the time of discussing whatever subject matter that has pissed him off,then he gets even more angry & may start on a rage at me because I am not "feeling" the same way about it that he is.Then the splitting happens,& I too am against him for not partaking in whatever frenzy he is in at the moment.

[sadeyes]

I have been told by mine that 'he might be possessed by a demon'. While that is really outside my belief system, I think it is him describing the 'evil' he can see inside.

[Linlu53]

These posts are spot on as to the behavior of my uBPDh. I believe he really struggles with self hatred and is constantly projecting that on to those he supposedly cares about. He tells us we hate him. He acts mean and hateful and then says we are doing it. Very confusing. The question as to why they hate themselves may be slightly different for each of them but in my hub's case it was a combination of a verbally and physically abusive father. A mom who prob wasn't always emotionally available because she was dealing with her husbands abuse, as well. Abandonment issues may stem from him being left with his father for 2 months at the age of 2 while his mother recuperated from complications from surgery. His father would tell te children that his mother wasn't coming home. As my h got older he was told he was stupid, clumsy, an idiot. He was hit and even thrown across the room. They only started to get along after he and I got married. I was so young and naive, I thought I could save him from that life. Instead it just perpetuated itself within our marriage. Thank God he never escalated to physical abuse. But there was enough verbal and emotional turmoil there. When a chil is told they are nothing and their new for love and acceptance does not get met, they doubt tha anyone could love them. And they act in ways that just might guarantee that is exactly what could happen. Just my take on a few things... .

[Theo41]

Thanks Linlu. I think you make some good points. It's probably not as simple as my description. My uBPDw, like your H, had a horrific childhood compete with divorce, abandonment of sorts, and physical abuse for her "bad behavior." it's likely that these experiences in the formative years contribute substantially to the formation of the BPD's personality. All best.

[Vindi]

mine, has low self esteem... .so many times i've heard him that he

"doesnt care if he dies", "thinks he is not good looking whatsoever", and he really gets down on himself.

I know alot has to do w/his childhood upbringing, father beating him on occasion, mom who worked many jobs and didn't have time to

love and nurture him.

I really wish mine would work on himslef and love himself so much that he could believe in himself.

Instead of portraying all the negativeness.

[zeromoogle]

My partner definitely hates himself, and he projects it onto me quite frequently.  He has very low self esteem and thinks that he's incapable of doing anything.

His mother use to tell people that she was a prophetess and that he was her watchman.  He says that she has also told him that he is going to go to Hell if he doesn't leave his sinful lifestyle and go back to her to protect her.  His father is a (maybe) recovered cocaine addict that left his mom for another woman.

It's not hard to understand why he hates himself so much.  He doesn't feel like he's living up to his mother's expectations, and he was mistreated for a good portion of his childhood.