My wifes BPD is getting the best of me

[Mike76]

I am becoming such a angry person.  Not to my wife, but to coworkers, myself, friends. 

I am trying to make things work but I losing feelings for my wife.

I have started to talk to myself(a lot), and although I really do not feel the way I an talking about, the things I am saying are along the lines of   "I hate you",  "I want a divorce", "Your a bhit"    Because I am talking to myself they are incoherent, my wife said recently... .   I have no idea what you saying, but you keep talking to myself.

I was sitting in church yesterday, praying and almost started to shake in frustration and the situation.  My wife grabbed me by the shoulder and said  "Are you ok?"

These things have come up for my in the past(last couple month) but I usually move on after a day or two.  I have known of the uBPD now dBPD for about the past 3-4 years.  I have felt this way for a couple of weeks now.  She has a T, I have a T, and we are in MC.   I have shared some of this with my T in the past, but because it blows over it has never really been a big deal.  Next week it will be the topic of discussion.

As many of have became alienated from or our our family(parents, siblings, friends, I would still kept in contact and communicate with them.  I no longer have a desire to do so.

Just for clarity, I  have never even once had any thought hurtling myself or her.  The reason I do not even share this information with my wife is because I do not want to hurt her emotionally.

Every MC session recently, I have said "I am confused, angry and hurting, I just have no idea what do I am very confused.  Please provide advise to me.   Both the MC and for the most part my wife look at me with a stare.   Or the MC says, you can not do anything yet"

I curse you BPD, you SUCK.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[daylily]

Hi Mike,

I have been in the same place you are describing with my uBPDh.  I, too, was very disillusioned, but I'm reading a book right now ("Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad) that describes the non's phases when healing in a relationship with a pwBPD as being similar to those of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Anger is healthy and necessary for you to progress to the next stage and ultimately get to the point where you radically accept her illness and your part in maintaining some of the unhealthy parts of the relationship.  For me, the anger was unsettling because I felt out of control and it was somewhat "out of character" for me, who had always been afraid of rocking the boat and in denial about what was going on in my relationship.  But the anger is an natural progression once I stopped taking responsibility for my H and all of his issues, and started taking responsibility for my own.  It's overwhelming and uncomfortable, but hopefully a good sign.      

  Daylily

[allblameonme]

all I can say is that I am in the same place right now.

My wife over the last 6 years of marriage, has turned from a quiet inhibited girl, into a raging monster consumed with making me suffer.

She acts to other people in such a different way I feel I am going insane. Its like with other people she is this amazing wonderful kind charity filled person, then at home with me and the kids, she is a complete monster... .

  To punish me, she went to the child protection services and said I'm abusive. Now I cannot see my kids except at a few friends and family a couple times a week. She says she wants to get back together "once he fixes himself". Which is just like pouring salt on an open wound.

I cant take it anymore. She is the devil incarnate. I am reading the books, working on having 'compassion' but all day she just attacks me and requests the car and money non stop, which I give, only to get back more abuse in return... .

[GopherAgent]

Mike... .

I hope this helps some. I know your frustrations and anger. I've lived with it for years now and only recently have come to understand what is happening. Believe me... .I've been to hell and back and back to hell again with this one and it has always been hard to get a grip on. Only with in the last several weeks have I come to a clearer understanding of what's taking place here with BPD and it's hard to accept even with a minimal understanding it...

First and foremost... .Take a deep breath. Now exhale and realize you are OK! Talking to your self and saying the negative things you mirror from her will only hurt you and make you feel worse. Let them go. If she is anything like my uBPDw then she doesn't hear what you say anyway so just let it go.

Keep reading and blogging and you will find that there are others like you who are just as frustrated and angry because they try so hard to please their BPD's with little recognition from them. I've fallen into being the angry screamer at my uBPDw because I've never been understood or heard by her because she couldn't hear me anyway. This is part of the disease... .they hear everything apparently through BPD colored glasses... .and let me tell you... .they are not rose colored glasses at that.

Just tonight... .I just got told in an angry and hurtful way that I was a failure at meeting her needs again... .but this time, I calmly pointed out the efforts I was making to help improve our situation for both of us. She tried to rage... .but I knew it was coming so I just didn't give my usual responses.

Look deeply into yourself. There is a good man in there with good and loving qualities. At this moment, only you can see those things. Treasure them and encourage them and nurture them.

It will get better. I have. But only because I have stopped kicking myself for feeling like a miserable failure for not getting through to someone who can't put themselves into my shoes once in a while. Now, I am aware that she has this miserable outlook that she takes out on herself and if I let it... .she will destroy me as well. She has tried to destroy me but only because I let myself take it personally.

Now... .not so much!

GopherAgent

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I went through similar phases for the past 2 years. It's difficult dealing with it, I know it's not always my fault, and not being able to get through to the other person, makes me feel like I have somehow failed. Now I keep telling myself it not about us, but them. I'm still trying to get myself to accept her condition, which is basically not being able to rationalize or feel for others, except their own and projecting it constantly on others. The problem for me is how to remain sane when someone that you love isn't... .