From the staying board - open to input

[allibaba]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211811.0

Hi guys,

I'm from the staying board and I have both a mother and a husband with BPD.  My journey with my mom was tough but I have a good relationship with her now (we've both sought our own help).  My journey with my husband is very difficult and we are in the thick of it right now.  KateCat suggested that I am at a point where (if I have the stomach for it), I should get input from survivors of BPD homes.  My son is under 2 and he still doesn't really understand what is going on with his dad. 

If you have time.  Please read about my current situation (link above) and give input from the perspective of a child of a BPD.  Thanks, Allibaba

[neverenough]

Hi Alibaba.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it certainly sounds like you've been through the ringer. 

If I understand your circumstances correctly from the thread you linked, your husband did something that crossed a boundary earlier this summer and promised to get treatment.  Whatever it was, it must have been fairly serious, because you mentioned he *knows* you will call the cops, though you never have *actually* called the cops.  And despite promising treatment, he hasn't actually gotten any.  And there have been no repercussions for the broken promise on treatment.

I applaud the efforts you are taking to work on yourself and get stronger to try and improve your relationship with him.  But it isn't just the 2 of you.  It's the three of you.

Without serious treatment, your husband isn't going to get better.  You know that.  You know you can't love him enough to make him better.  You can alter your behavior to try and trigger him less, you can take care of yourself better, but that's you, not him.

So, for right now, he makes hurtful comments that your precious baby boy doesn't understand.  But, very very soon, that precious baby boy is going to start to understand that Daddy can be mean.  He's going to see that Daddy's love is conditional on pleasing his Daddy.  Right now, you think he's insulated from Daddy's rages.  But you also know that won't last.  He's going to grow up, begin talking, start to individuate, and trigger Daddy's abandonment fears.  If you are lucky, he'll wind up on this board as an adult, trying to come to grips with his childhood.  Slightly unluckier is winding up on the board with the parents of borderline children. 

I don't hate my BPD mother.  I feel sad for her that she can't see what she has and be happy.  I feel sad for all of the horrendous things she said and did to me.  My enabling father?  I have a lot of anger toward him.  He never protected us as children.  He still doesn't.  He yells at us for upsetting her.  His failure hurts worse than hers - she is sick, he doesn't have an excuse.

You seem very committed to staying.  You truly seem to be under the impression that your child can't hear you and isn't involved.  He IS involved.  He just is.  He is there, he is absorbing this.  He's going to get older.

My mother has promised changes.  They don't stick.  She won't get treatment.  She's just getting meaner and nastier as she ages.  I won't visit them.  My brother has limited contact, she hardly sees her granddaughter.  She won't get treatment.  I didn't break it, I can't fix it.  You didn't break your husband, you can't fix him either.

So, at some point, you are going to be faced with some very real choices.  Those choices will follow your precious baby boy for the rest of his life.  Those choices will impact the relationship you will have with your precious baby boy for the rest of your life.  And someday, your precious baby boy is going to ask you WHY you made the choices you made.   

[Clearmind]

Alli, honestly, there is little we can do to change their parenting skills. However what does help is if at least one parent, you, is grounded, allows DS2 to talk about his feelings and emotions openly and without judgment. He will naturally model behaviours from you both – although if he is with you more often than not you will be a bigger driving influence.

Kids also need to know what behaviour is OK and what isn't. If Dads behaviour is way out of line DS2 needs to know that is not OK. This will teach him boundaries and limits. A limitless/boundary-less parent (i.e. A Borderline) can teach a child to be a limitless/boundary-less adult.

Instil worth in DS2, that his opinion, thoughts and feelings matter. Listen, listen, listen.

All a child wants is emotional validation, listen, without the need to fix his emotions, and for us to model normal relating as much as we can.

A good book on positive validation for kids: The Power of Validation - Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm & Out-Of-Control Emotions - By Karyn D. Hall, Melissa H. Cook, Shari Y. Manning - these can all be side effects of having a BPD parent.

For you! If you have a BPD mother have you considered how that has impacted you?

[allibaba]

If I understand your circumstances correctly from the thread you linked, your husband did something that crossed a boundary earlier this summer and promised to get treatment.  Whatever it was, it must have been fairly serious, because you mentioned he *knows* you will call the cops, though you never have *actually* called the cops.  And despite promising treatment, he hasn't actually gotten any.  And there have been no repercussions for the broken promise on treatment.

Not exactly.  In July we had a serious incident where I called the cops on my husband.  In my jurisdiction, it is VERY easy almost too easy to have someone charged and hauled away.  Immediately without the consent of whoever called the cops, a protective order is laid and there can be no more contact between the aggressor and the spouse or children.  I knew all of this before I called the police so I was extremely careful what I said to them and made sure that he wasn't hauled to jail.  I had them come out as a preventative measure.  

To give you an example, a wife in my jurisdiction joked to one of her friends in email that 'she could solve her marital problems with a firearm if only she could find one'  her husband found the email, had her charged and it was several years before she was able to clear up the mess and have normal contact with her husband or children again.  This is good because there is a low threshold for 'bad behavior' and for me I am careful because I would prefer to keep the boundaries under my control unless he tries to hurt me, himself, our son or our property.  I have made him aware in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT if he crosses this line, he'll be in jail and he's been warned.  The reality though is if he is charged with something he'd probably be forced into treatment through a diversion.  

Going to get treatment was never a boundary.  It was a promise he made to me that has been broken.  Boundaries don't enforce my wants or make him to something (like getting treatment)... .they protect me if he starts to get out of line.  In the places where I have made clear what the boundaries are... .he is awfully careful not to cross the line these days -- so I guess that they are working.

So, at some point, you are going to be faced with some very real choices.  Those choices will follow your precious baby boy for the rest of his life.  Those choices will impact the relationship you will have with your precious baby boy for the rest of your life.  And someday, your precious baby boy is going to ask you WHY you made the choices you made.    

I know.  That is part of the reason that I am soliciting input from you guys... .those who have been horribly damaged by a BPD parent.  

My mother is also BPD (now recovered, a true success story) but my father had a good ability to support me when I needed it as a child.  He pulled me aside whenever my mom was dyregulated and took me out and explained to me... .its not you.  Its her.  :)on't worry about it.  He did not do well enforcing boundaries with my mom but he did a DAMN FINE job protecting his little girl (me).  He unfortunately drank to escape his own pain and sacrificed himself in the process   a WONDERFUL man with a beautiful heart and that is very sad.  To this day, it is the one major regret of my life that I didn't do more to support him in his battle against alcoholism(by that point I was in my 20's).

I am so so so incredibly sorry that your father didn't protect you when you needed it.  I can't imagine how horrible that must have been.

Thank you Clearmind for the excellent recommendations of how best to support my son.  I so so so appreciate it and I will go get the book.  

I was a MESS when I got out of the house.  My mother really started to get bad with her BPD when I was about 12 (her mom died in a plane crash when she was around that age.  That was the triggering event for her BPD).  

When I was about 13 I convinced my parents that I needed to go to boarding school and escaped from the house.  The therapists I have seen have said between my father's protection when I was younger and my little maneuver to escape - I managed to avoid the brunt of BPD damage.  Like I mentioned, I was a mess though and it was actually my husband that introduced order, structure, and discipline into my life (the beginning of healing for me), he was the one who suggested that I see a therapist and pointed out the dyfunctionality of my family.  He was not a controlling person at the time, he just saw me for what I was (a mess) and helped me to put my life together. For the first 3-4 yrs of our relationship - he was my rock.  

Then he went through some REALLY nasty personal things and crumbled under the stress of mental illness (previously he was v high functioning).  I 'fell' with him and enabled everything  because I didn't know.  Then I realized that something was horribly wrong.  I researched and researched and researched and started to put together an understanding of what was happening and in October 2012 I started attempting boundaries.  At that point I knew that I was badly enabling him.  It was only when I found this site this spring that I learned true practical application of boundaries and started seeing positive results though!

Thank you thank you both for your input.  I really truly appreciate it.