First contact in two months...

[Hazelrah]

I haven’t started a thread in a long time, and I apologize in advance for what may simply be a self-serving post.

Been no contact with separated BPD wife for two months.  I finally had to initiate contact last night due to the fact that she has accrued eight traffic violations (including blown red lights caught on camera, toll violations, parking tickets, etc.) in a car registered solely under my name (note: I bought her the car barely one week before she left).  These violation notifications come straight to my home, with no advanced warning from her and (possibly) the expectation that I simply pay them for her myself.  I SO didn’t want to contact (text) her, as it still triggers me to see her name on my phone if she replies, but I couldn’t ignore this any longer.  As I expected, she took the opportunity to demand money from me to essentially support her abandonment of our marriage—this happens with each and every communication we’ve shared over the last four months.  At first, I was actually helping her out, but I eventually came to the realization that to hand over a check on a weekly basis to someone who walked out on me, moved in quickly with an ex-boyfriend (while still married), and now actually holds a decent paying job for the first time in years, is patently absurd without a legal agreement.  I hadn’t heard from her in two months, so there were obviously no pressing financial needs of any sort during this time.  And as a reminder, we have no children.       

At first, I was hurt again, and much of the pain I’ve been managing of late came to the forefront—but then something  important happened. I realized that nothing has really changed with her, despite her claims to the contrary, despite my fears that she had suddenly found new happiness (and embraced adulthood) by leaving a good marriage with no warning.  These were the sort of actions I’d seen for a long time, and it was obvious that she is still a child hidden in the body of a beautiful 36 year old woman.  That’s not a dig…emotionally, it is still true.  The seeds of this behavior (her dysfunctional childhood) are sad, and I do still feel for the inner turmoil she still likely feels.

I guess I shouldn’t fear her finding happiness anymore.  It isn’t a healthy thing for me to hold on to…but I’m human, and maybe today’s realization is the first step in finally allowing myself to allow for her happiness, if that makes any sense at all.

[ShadowDancer]

Hazelrah,

Perhaps you are beginning to complete the full circle. It is not so much that we fear they are going to be happier in their new circumstances but it might be more of the sense that we just don't care much either way as long as we are not "disturbed" by whatever the circumstances may be.

For me it was like slipping into a warm bath as in ahhh!... .bliss... .and the warmth surrounds me. I will tell you this it sure beats the hot/cold, hot/cold shower that was that relationship.

P.S.My ex lost a car I gave her a month before her "departure" to impound on a DUI in another state. Hard lesson as I paid cash for it. By the time I found out the fees were over $8,000.00 and they wanted the title. I told em to junk it I was so fed up with her irresponsibility. I would have a partner take you over to the location of that car that is in your name late at night and take it before more tickets roll in. Let her buy her own new found car in her now found life with her new "refound" partner.

Aint I the heartless one.  Perhaps, but I aint no fool! Not now.

[Hazelrah]

SD,

Ah yes, my brother (a mechanic at the dealership we purchased the car from) and I have had many a late night discussion over a few beers regarding his ability to 'reposses' her (my) vehicle... .legally, of course.  I'm not there yet, but you never know.

The circle is getting there.  It isn't full, but perhaps it has reached the circumference of a hungry Pac-Man about to devour a blinking ghost... .