Walking the dog; supporting vs. enabling

[ApChagi1]

I work really hard to not have very high expectations for my dBPDw, but one thing I do ask of her is to take our dog out once during the day while I am at work.  I would say on average, two of the five days I am at work during the week, she neglects to do so.  This makes me feel very angry, and I have tried numerous times to express this to her which only leads to a fight and accusations of how controlling I am. 

I have considered just letting it go and allowing the dog to make a mess in the house, but she has and will refuse to clean up the mess, so I am stuck doing that anyway. 

I don't feel this is fair to the dog, or me, but I really don't know what to do other than just accept I will likely have to be the one taking the dog out when I get home. 

Does my accepting this mean I am enabling her? 

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[Dawning]

I am not from the staying board, but am a dog lover. I see it as abuse of the dog to not give him a chance to do his thing and leave  him no other choise than to foul his own place.

Regarding your question, depends on whose dog it is and what kind of agreements you both made when you got the dog.

May be you can suggest to hire a dog walker when she's not up to it.

Dog walking should be fun for dog and owner.

[Vindi]

DOES your wife stay at home all day long? and did she ever give a reason as to why she won't walk the dog daily?

[ApChagi1]

Yes; she is home all day and hasn't worked in more than 5 years due to the severity of her BPD symptoms. 

[HopefulDad]

Tough spot to be in.  There is an element of enablement, but ultimately you have to do what's best for your dog.  If I were in your shoes, I'd accept that it's my job to walk the dog when I get home on the days she doesn't.

I'd be straight with her and let her know that I don't appreciate how she accepted responsibility to walk the dog and is not living up to that.  And if she rants and calls you controlling, don't stick around for the abuse.  Just speak your mind and be done with it.

You can also weigh the value of setting some kind of condition, such as "If you choose not to live up to that obligation, I've decided not to live up to obligation X.  Think of some responsibility like doing laundry... .maybe you do only yours and not both of yours from now on.  Or maybe you have dinner night out together and now choose to go alone.  Shows that such choices go both ways.

[briefcase]

Can you fence in your yard?

[123Phoebe]

Hi ApChagi1

May be you can suggest to hire a dog walker when she's not up to it.

I was thinking about a dog walker, too.  Or doggie day care?

Sometimes, once a pwBPD knows that we're super serious about something, they start to believe us.

If your dog getting out for a daily walk while you're at work is a value of yours, then it's up to you to make it happen

[lostandunsure]

As hard as it sounds, I had to drop any and all expectations that I had for my wife. Any time I set an expectation, there were times that she treated it as something that she could fail at, almost on purpose... .Just another thing to add to her list of failures. "Look, I didn't walk the dog today, I'm a terrible, evil person who lets you down at everything. How can you stand to be around me."... .That's not an exaggeration, she has said this, often.

So, she sets her own chores and I fill in and help when needed. She decided that she should wash the dishes... .It doesn't get done every day, but it usually gets done, but she set the expectation herself. I try to let her know how much I appreciate it when she does it, because it really does help. There for a while, the expectation she had for herself was to take a shower everyday, and that didn't happen all the time, she's making progress, but it's taken a long time. If she asks what she can help with, I usually ask for something small that would be helpful, but I know won't be a problem if it doesn't get done.

Personally, I would suggest dropping it. Don't pressure your wife, and give up on the expectation that she get it done. It's only making you upset, and it's probably making her upset as well. You know she's not going to do it every day, so why continue to get upset by it? You might as well get upset when the sun sets every night.

As for the dog, I don't know how big they are, if they are small enough, you can train them to use a potty pad, they aren't that expensive if you order them on Amazon, and it usually keeps clean up to a minimum... .If your dog is larger, there may be other similar options that you can train them to do (use a mud-room shower or something?) Can you afford doggy-daycare? A dog walker? Are you close enough to home that you could zip home over lunch? Maybe when she sees just how many hoops your jumping through to get it done she may start helping on her own, but that's a maybe.

I know it's frustrating, but I felt so much better when I let it go. When I decided that it was pointless getting upset at things I just couldn't control. You can't make her do this. You can let her know that it's helpful, but that's about it.

[waverider]

This is the type of thing that I have to deal with. It is all part of the unreliability of a pwBPD and probably one of the factors in why she cannot hold a job down, unreliability.

Enabling yes, but your ability to to completely overturn, questionable. It is not the task, it is the entire disordered personality trait behind this.

I would suggest that it may never be possible to hand a task/chore to your wife with the confidence that it will always be done, if that task is not high on her impulse/needs list. If it can be seen as optional at some stage she will opt out. Its importance for you or the dog is optional in her mind.

Should you not get her to help with anything? No, as that would be enabling.

In my situation I get the most contribution when we start doing things together, that starts the habit from there we split tasks. eg we are going to clean the kitchen once that has established I will one aspect while she does another. If she is left on her own to do something,it stops, put off till later, until tomorrow, until theres too much and its overwhelming, pulls a sickie.

There appears to be nothing I can do about this, so I have given up fighting over it. Essential must do tasks I do so that I don't end up stressing over the consequences.  The rest as long as she is doing something and showing a bit of effort is all I care about, even if it is not effective or of great contribution.

It is a disability and with that there is a degree of acceptance involved. There is no point stressing out trying to flog a dead horse, but by the same token you have to try to push them to contribute to life otherwise you are enabling the disability as you say

The bottom line is you want a happy home environment not one filled with conflict in an attempt to create and efficient equal share household. Having her do something of her own choice will be rewarding for her, trying to have her do what you would like to be done will not.

The question is not how to get your wife to do this particular chore, it is more how can you avoid being so adversely affected by her unwillingness to do it? Approach it from both ends.

[Chosen]

That's a tough one, because the wellbeing of your dog is involved.  I would tend to go with some of the other's suggestion that it's probably best not to have any expectations of your wife walking the dog.  She may agree to do so, but that doesn't mean she will stick to her promises and there is nothing you could do to enforce it.

The fact now is that she says she would walk the dog, but sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't.  You're not happy with the situation, and I'm pretty sure the dog isn't too.  You can choose to either leave things as they are right now, but I don't think they will change so much.  Or you can take another course of action.

I think the dogsitter/ daycare is a good idea.  Since she is unable to walk the dog every day, you will enlist the help of a walker (if you're financially ok with that).  If she ends up feeling relieved because she doesn't have to do it, good.  If she ends up upset because the responsbility is taken away from her, then you can let her know you expect the dog to be walked every day.  And in order for that to happen, she will have to do it or the dogsitter will.  If it's something she truly wants to do and see that you're serious about putting the dog's welfare first, she will step up and do it, or lose the opportunity to do so.

[ApChagi1]

Thanks for the input everybody.  I think just learning to let it go is probably the way to go; she does automatically go into "I'm such a failure" mode when I ask her for things. 

So much easier said than done though, without feeling resentful about it.

[waverider]

Thanks for the input everybody.  I think just learning to let it go is probably the way to go; she does automatically go into "I'm such a failure" mode when I ask her for things. 

So much easier said than done though, without feeling resentful about it.

I really struggle with this one. Acknowledging their own shortfalls, but rather than addressing them, even easy tasks, they continue to not do what ever it is and call themselves a failure.

So yes i know how hard it is to deal with resentment as the answer to not feeling like a failure seems so obvious... just do it.

nagging just increases your own resentment

[allibaba]

I think the dogsitter/ daycare is a good idea.  Since she is unable to walk the dog every day, you will enlist the help of a walker (if you're financially ok with that).  If she ends up feeling relieved because she doesn't have to do it, good.  If she ends up upset because the responsbility is taken away from her, then you can let her know you expect the dog to be walked every day.  And in order for that to happen, she will have to do it or the dogsitter will.  If it's something she truly wants to do and see that you're serious about putting the dog's welfare first, she will step up and do it, or lose the opportunity to do so.

I really like this Chosen. ApChagi1 - what do you think?  Even if its only once or twice a week for the dog's mental well being?

I have had lots of issues with my husband and our dogs.  Recently he's been focusing on them.  Finally last night he shared the immense anxiety that he is feeling about them (there are 4, they are big, they are a lot of work).  I explained to him that his anxiety was reasonable but that they are family pets so getting rid of them isn't an option.  We agreed that days or weeks when he is feeling more stress, I will drop them off at doggie daycare on the way to work.  I told him that if he can let me know (when he's starting to feel triggered) then perhaps we can avoid the drama and he agreed.

[briefcase]

As far as expectations, I went from having unrealistic expectations, to having to no expectations, to now having what I hope are realistic expectations. 

The problems with unrealistic expectations are obvious.  The problem with no expectations is that its basically enabling and leads to a lot of resentment (and isn't good for me, her or the relationship). 

Finding "realistic" expections is the tricky part.   

[waverider]

As far as expectations, I went from having unrealistic expectations, to having to no expectations, to now having what I hope are realistic expectations. 

The problems with unrealistic expectations are obvious.  The problem with no expectations is that its basically enabling and leads to a lot of resentment (and isn't good for me, her or the relationship). 

Finding "realistic" expections is the tricky part.   

A saying we had in Engineering "Put your most reliable workers (in this case you) on to critical path tasks, and the less reliable workers (pwBPD) on the trimmings"

In short the project will done on time but the paintwork may be a little dodgy.

In your case it may mean you making sure dogs are taken care of and trade that 'let off for her" by her doing something else (less critical to you) in the meantime.

[allibaba]

A saying we had in Engineering "Put your most reliable workers (in this case you) on to critical path tasks, and the less reliable workers (pwBPD) on the trimmings"

In short the project will done on time but the paintwork may be a little dodgy.

I really love this analogy

[maxen]

i'm glad somebody posted this. the dog was a sore point in my marriage. i loved him, but he was very big and very nervy and needed attention. my w brought him into the marriage. one of her hallmarks was laziness to the point of irresponsibility, including irresponsibility to the dog. she'd let him out to void, but she only gave him one walk a day, for about 5 minutes. she also wouldn't clean his dish, ever, and obstreperously refused to clean up after him in the yard. it soon became clear that care of her dog was, among many other things, my responsibility. so i gave him another, longer, walk, but i balked at cleaning the dish all the time. she would let it cake with spit and food bits and hair, but never wash it. i was just gobsmacked. i thought that sort of thing would be as natural as a reflex. so i washed it sometimes and left it in the sink *hint* other times. it was resented when i did that. i also had to negotiate with her about cleaning up his woo. i of course did a share but it was like pulling teeth to get her to honor her share. and if it was just this dog business i could have been more accommodating but it wasn't, this was only an example of her need to be taken care of. "why don't you do it for me!" was a line of hers.

[waverider]

if it was just this dog business i could have been more accommodating but it wasn't, this was only an example of her need to be taken care of. "why don't you do it for me!" was a line of hers.

This is the real problem it is an attitude to everything. It is easy to make boundaries about individual things, but when it pervades everything it is very hard to draw lines in the sand with living in perpetual conflict.

What do you do to prevent the build up of resentment?

[maxen]

if it was just this dog business i could have been more accommodating but it wasn't, this was only an example of her need to be taken care of. "why don't you do it for me!" was a line of hers.

This is the real problem it is an attitude to everything. It is easy to make boundaries about individual things, but when it pervades everything it is very hard to draw lines in the sand with living in perpetual conflict.

What do you do to prevent the build up of resentment?

unfortunately, after lots of this sort of thing, i couldn't prevent the build up of resentment. for a stretch we lived in perpetual conflict. i became impatient and spoke impatiently. i mean, her behaviors were just puerile and i was amazed at the things that were coming out of my mouth towards a woman in her 40s with a phi beta kappa degree  ("dear, could you throw this food trash in the trash bin (instead of leaving it on the counter for days)?" "dear, when mail comes for me could you put it out where i can see it (instead of burying it in piles and not telling me)?" "dear, when you break a glass in the kitchen could you warn me (instead letting me find out when i walk barefoot into the kitchen)?" "dear, could you clean up after the dog when you let him out to poop (instead of not doing that, and letting me get my shoes soiled for the nth time when i walk in my own yard)"?) i think i was entitled to my impatience, but if i'd had the techniques one could find on this board maybe we wouldn't be divorcing. then again, maybe we would, because it wasn't just cleaning up that i was supposed to take care of  

[allibaba]

if it was just this dog business i could have been more accommodating but it wasn't, this was only an example of her need to be taken care of. "why don't you do it for me!" was a line of hers.

This is the real problem it is an attitude to everything. It is easy to make boundaries about individual things, but when it pervades everything it is very hard to draw lines in the sand with living in perpetual conflict.

What do you do to prevent the build up of resentment?

I just put up a new post about this.  What are some good ways to deal with resentment?

I'm finding that the boundaries and disengaging are wonderful at minimizing certain behaviors... .but my husband still holds this general attitude that drives me crazy

[waverider]

I wish i knew the perfect answer to this but I dont. I know it involves a large dose of accepting that its the nature of the beast and probably cant change it.

I have also "rewarded" myself with things that I insist on for myself which I probably wouldn't normally as a compensation for allowing some areas of neediness. So when it bugs me I remind myself of these other advantages that I otherwise wouldn't have.  My partner seems to have accepted the trade off, so it has created a kind of harmonious balance. Well better than it was

[maxen]

I wish i knew the perfect answer to this but I dont. I know it involves a large dose of accepting that its the nature of the beast and probably cant change it.

that's a thing i couldn't get into my head, and that's not her issue, i'm accountable on that score. but what galled me was the accumulation of things so minor and basic; seriously my w did things that wouldn't be acceptable in the middle schoolers i teach (see my last post, and there's other like that). the big stuff i accepted (the manic episodes, the weight) but the little stuff was so childish that i couldn't hide my disbelief.

[waverider]

I hear you, it pervades every moment of your life. The more you learn about the disorder the more you start to pick up on it.

As you say that is who they are, and our inability to cope with the less destructive aspects of it are our issues

[123Phoebe]

I wish i knew the perfect answer to this but I dont. I know it involves a large dose of accepting that its the nature of the beast and probably cant change it.

that's a thing i couldn't get into my head, and that's not her issue, i'm accountable on that score. but what galled me was the accumulation of things so minor and basic; seriously my w did things that wouldn't be acceptable in the middle schoolers i teach (see my last post, and there's other like that). the big stuff i accepted (the manic episodes, the weight) but the little stuff was so childish that i couldn't hide my disbelief.

Hey Maxen,

Have you taken the Schema Test over on Personal Inventory?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202548.0

It's been pretty eye-opening.  I scored high in Undisciplined Child  

I live alone so a lot of things I 'put off doing' are no big deal to anyone but myself.  I can see where a 'live in' would feel pretty annoyed with some of the things I do/don't do, if their value system differed from mine and can picture fights ensuing over some of these issues.  I would probably be inclined to say, "If it bothers you so much, do it yourself "

I think the key thing to realize in any relationship is that people are who they are; accept them as they are.  When we try to change people is when big problems arise.  Lead by example!  Walk the talk   Instead of telling others in so many words that they are wrong for holding the values that they do.  Ugh, I'm still learning this one