Don't know what to do next

[Aussieguy]

I recently travelled with my friend who has uBPD and his wife - they insisted I stay with them (share a 2 bedroom apartment) for the duration of the trip. All went well for the first few days -then it was apparent to me that they were unhappy with one another.  Just before returning home, my friend told me that his wife was unhappy and he suspected she was having an affair. I used validation regarding what he was feeling - but didn't offer any opinion re: the affair. I offered to do my own thing for the rest of the trip and for a while once back home so that they had time to work things out... .(he tends to ask me over a lot or text/call). When we got back - he immediately started texting me - and I responded so that he knew I was still in contact.

Two days after we had returned - he told me that his wife had left him - packed up and moved to a friend's place. Of course, I offered my sympathy and asked if there was anything I could do to help. To cut a long story short - it is nearly a week since he told me that... .but I suspected it was not necessarily true. I have to drive past their home a couple of times a week for work - and both times his wife's car has been there (on one occasion she was going to the mailbox - so I know she was there)... .yet he told me (after this) - that he hadn't seen her for days.

I now suspect my statement about 'doing my own thing' triggered some kind of abandonment response - although as a novice, it was intended to show that I was putting the welfare of his relationship first. Now I don't know what to do. It is clear that she hasn't left him - he still contacts me daily and talks about us doing things together... .I am also wondering if the holidays are contributing to all of this? I would really appreciate any advice about what I should do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aussieguy]

Apologies - I meant to add: How do I create a pathway that he can take to move back to the reality from the fantasy without looking like I am calling him a liar?

[waverider]

Hi Aussie, you seem to be stuck in the middle of a complex web, where you are not really privy to the full story in someones life and having to trust what you are told. This must be difficult as the truth is you will never know the full truth.

Just to clarify for members are you involved in a physical or romantic way with this person? If so, has this caused any issues between him and his wife as I imagine it would?

Whether there is any involvement or not it must surely provoke a reaction from her.

You will be in the realms of triangulation to some degree, which is feeding these fantasies

Ultimately you can't control his version of reality, only keep a firm grip of your own

There are many members who have been involved in 3 way relationships such as this. I am sure you will receive some good advice on not being dragged into situations you have no control over

[Aussieguy]

Thanks for the quick response Waverider.

No - there is no physical or romantic involvement - as I mentioned in a previous post, he has occasionally made suggestive comments - but I do not engage in any discussion of that kind. I am aware (having read a lot here and elsewhere) that inconsistency regarding sexuality can be a feature of BPD. Having said that - I do care about both of them and am well aware that other close friends have 'dumped' my friend... .I suspect I am seeing some of the behaviour that has led to this happening.

My main objective is to somehow facilitate a retreat from the fantasy, back to the reality of the situation without causing any further issues. Any thoughts?

[waverider]

Not adding fuel to these fantasies is what I do either by going along with it, nor debating it. Engaging only validates it as a means to get attention, and arguing it only causes them to sell it all the harder. Both effect us.

I hear all sorts of fanciful stories for no apparent reason. Once I just accepted it as part of the disorder rather than trying to fathom the reason behind it life became so much simpler

Changing subject and otherwise disengaging from the issue, brings about no reward, nor any reason to be defensive and trying to convince you even more. They lose momentum and go on to the next thing of interest in their own time. Disengaging also reduces the effect it has on you, which is the bottom line.

[Aussieguy]

Thanks again - I had really hit a roadblock with this one, but now feel that I can move forward with a strategy now.  I read the information about triangulation and will have to be on my guard with that one.

I appreciate your help once again.

[briefcase]

There are probably any number of "face saving" ways out of this that you can give your friend.  Maybe something as simple as mentioning that you were driving by his house and saw his wife at the mailbox, and then asking if things have gotten better between them. 

I also wouldn' worry too much about fidning out the full truth.  Just accept that they have problems and leave it at that. 

You will want to exercise some good boundaries with all of this, otherwise it will be easy to get swept up in the drama of his relationship.   

[Aussieguy]

Right on the money. We caught up yesterday and I decided to chat as if she were still at home - we were immediately back to reality and things moved on from there. I am trying to learn, but have to admit I am finding this pretty exhausting at the moment. I have nothing but admiration for those of you who are romantically involved with a person who lives with BPD. Thank you again.