Does anyone else do this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Still in the process of detaching from my exgfwBPD and trying to better understand myself and move on with my life.  As I interact with others (friends, new people I'm meeting), I find myself being extra-aware of my own behaviors and being hyper-vigilant for any BPD traits.  I analyze others' behaviors too, but I'm more interested in finding out if anyone else has noticed themselves being more aware of their own thought patterns and actions, specifically watching for (and trying to avoid) behaviors that are hallmarks of BPD.

I know many BPD behaviors are human behaviors that make sense in certain contexts, so I'm trying not to be overly judgmental of myself.  I just still feel so shaken and warped from this recent r/s.  I almost can't remember exactly what I used to be like before I found myself walking on eggshells all the time.

Anyone?

[redkong]

Still in the process of detaching from my exgfwBPD and trying to better understand myself and move on with my life.  As I interact with others (friends, new people I'm meeting), I find myself being extra-aware of my own behaviors and being hyper-vigilant for any BPD traits.  I analyze others' behaviors too, but I'm more interested in finding out if anyone else has noticed themselves being more aware of their own thought patterns and actions, specifically watching for (and trying to avoid) behaviors that are hallmarks of BPD.

I know many BPD behaviors are human behaviors that make sense in certain contexts, so I'm trying not to be overly judgmental of myself.  I just still feel so shaken and warped from this recent r/s.  I almost can't remember exactly what I used to be like before I found myself walking on eggshells all the time.

Anyone?

[necchi]

Yes, but be cautious of the way you "compare" traits we share. While they look similar the impact they have do not mirror those of a BPD. For instance,you get angy at your boy/girlfriend put up a little burst, call her stupid then leave. Chances are in the hours that will follow must of us here will be feeling sorry,guilty, just plain wrong for the pain we made and realize that we could've done this and that differently, and we would call or go back because we "feel" in a sense the pain he/she might feeling.

For a pwBPD the process is far from being so civilized. Must I explain... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I do that too redkong, and I say that's a good thing.  My naivety died during my time in borderline hell, and although going into a relationship openhearted chasing a fantasy works in the movies, it's a good way to get screwed in the real world, if you happen to meet someone who is coming on way too strong, getting into a committed relationship is way too easy, any and all boundaries are busted through quickly, and she's giving the impression that she is opening up too and feels the same way you do.  And too busy enjoying the buzz to pay attention to protecting ourselves, we ignore red flag after red flag.

So being hypersensitive to BPD traits and noticing our own thoughts and actions is actually a good thing, it's growth, and our next, healthy relationship will benefit from it.  No need to be paranoid though; something like 2% of the population has the disorder, so chances are slim that we will meet one; a gal I've known for years resurfaced recently, she had a horrific childhood similar to my borderline ex's, I was once somewhat attracted to this gal, and having learned what I have about BPD, RUN!  She's a screaming borderline, but it was 100% obvious, so no worries.  

But being aware of our thoughts and feelings and really getting to know and notice what's going on with other people is growth, and meeting people while maintaining strong boundaries and paying attention can only help us.  Hollywood romantic movies are predictable, we know 5 minutes into the movie that those two gorgeous people are going to be together by the end while the violin music plays, and we get to enjoy the two hour courtship; we buy feel-good for the price of a movie ticket.  The real world is more challenging, but also more rewarding, and yes, sometimes peppered with mental illness minefields, but we're better than that now, we've learned how to navigate around them, and giving them a wide berth for a while because we're shell shocked is nothing but healthy.

[Inside]

Redkong,

I’ve likely done what few suggest around here … let myself be recycled 7 or 8 times... . And while following my feelings, those feelings were simply worn out.  Each time we reunited there seemed less in common, thus less to lose.  But in the process, I had the opportunity to ‘lighten up’ with regard to fears of setting her off or losing her.  In doing so I feel I somewhat healed in real time.  As opposed to feeling trapped or constantly on guard for triggers, I loosened up to the point I became myself again in the process.  And it soon became evident to both of us …the gig was up… so how long till we tossed in the towel…

I’d once gone 3 months NC, so have felt the brunt force pain over & over…  but I feel with this slow or prolonged withdrawal that I became myself.  I had seen another woman in-between, and though we’d not quite become lovers, I described her as being my “Template of normal,” which she was … so having someone like that to hangout with during the ‘downtimes’ with uBPDgf also helped me kick the fears that had built up during the BPD affair.  Also, reading around here and learning all I could about BPD helped greatly to convince me – it ‘wasn’t me.’  

I actually feel stronger and ready to ‘choose better’ after experiencing the literal insanity of a BPD’ed SO.  Likely a rescuer at heart … it’s provided a painful lesson…  Crazy is out there! – not only masquerading as healthy or normal, but often predatory.  I’ve been used and hurt …mine still owes me money… which is likely the least of my losses…  So my C-Mass gift to myself (when the malls clear) will be as big a book on personality disorders as I can understand, lift, or afford.  Next time – I want to see it coming!  And if nothing else, I’ll be a better judge of character, if not simply mental stability   

[LilMissSunshine]

ALL THE TIME and it's driving me crazy.  Secretly, I'm analyzing everyone.  Even people I've known my entire life.  As for myself, I'm constantly second guessing everything I do.  Wondering if I'm behaving correctly or not.

I just still feel so shaken and warped from this recent r/s.  I almost can't remember exactly what I used to be like before I found myself walking on eggshells all the time.

Ditto.

[myself]

Looking inside of ourselves is healthy any time, so it's like a growth spurt going through this extra introspection. Whatever we find in there is who we are. We may need to take out our own trash more vigilantly than we did before, it's pretty common around here.  As are so many of the other patterns. We're always kind of guessing about who other people are. Being open enough to take them at their word, and closed enough to only see what we want to see. There is a fork in the road every step of the way.

[Perfidy]

Redkong... .Nice to see a topic that has more of the solution in it. My answer to your question is yes. I did notice that I was paying closer attention to other people's behavior and conversations too. Looking for the BPD markers. I believe we experience this as part of the detachment process. I also believe what you said about BPD traits being present in everyone. My counsellor supported this belief. As far as judging, I don't think it's necessary to make a judgement call on anyone, unless, (gulp), I'm planning on having an intimate relationship with someone making them a part of my life.

I believe this is a stage and a marker in your recovery, just like the shock and denial, the pain and suffering, the grieving. I think that this vigilance is light at the end of the tunnel. It too will pass. We on this board share common experiences. I've seen others post similar and exact topics. I am nearing what I believe is unconditional love for myself. This is huge progress for me and it didn't just happen by its self. Nine months ago I was suicidal and depressed. I stayed that way for months. Crying every day several times a day. The darkness. I remember. It was the worst that I have ever felt in my life.

It's not perfect by any means. It is better. A lot better. Support from this board has helped me get through the worst of it. Other resources... I'm a little careful what I talk about and I don't like the fact that I worked with suicide prevention as a client, but if it helps anybody to know this resource is there. I can let go a little of my shame. I knew I needed help. I was planning. A good counsellor. Some good friends. My family. It didn't just happen by itself.

[redkong]

Thanks for all the responses and thoughts - glad to know I'm not alone with this part of the leaving/detaching process.  I wonder if part of why the self-reflection and (hopefully) growth is so hard at this point is the rawness and exhaustion from the whole ordeal of the r/s.  As much as I sincerely want to understand myself and others better so that I can successfully detach and move on, part of me is tired from the roller coaster and just wants to be numb for awhile. :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for all the responses and thoughts - glad to know I'm not alone with this part of the leaving/detaching process.  I wonder if part of why the self-reflection and (hopefully) growth is so hard at this point is the rawness and exhaustion from the whole ordeal of the r/s.  As much as I sincerely want to understand myself and others better so that I can successfully detach and move on, part of me is tired from the roller coaster and just wants to be numb for awhile. :'(

That's a natural response to abuse; we're emotionally worn out.  And taking time to heal is not only healthy, it's critical.  Time to take care of ourselves, god knows my borderline wasn't taking care of me in any capacity.  I've found that getting the big three in order, diet, sleep, exercise, goes a long way in how we feel.  It's also a great idea to focus on relaxing, kind of hard right now in the Holidays and I look forward to the new year, but important as we heal.  If we get our physical body taken care of and limit the stress of life for a while, we'll heal quicker.  Take care of you!

[Turkish]

 I'm way too open telling people  some of what's going on,  especially female coworkers ( subconsciously trolling?  perhaps... .not good).  need to stop that.  many people love their own private hells  and keep their mouths shut.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. After experiencing 2 rounds of being discarded twice by my exUBPDgf, I see the behavior/traits all around me. Things that I would have seen as mere quirks/harmless before this experience, now with my BPD corrective lens on, I see the horrifying reality of those very quirks, and they are not the once harmless things I thought. It is everywhere.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Yes I do analyze mine and others behaviors.

What I think is difficult is that the pd behaviors our exes exhibited in small, rare circumstances could be on the healthy end of the spectrum because anyone can exhibit these traits from time to time. It is the all pervasive, repeating pattern and the culmination of a good number of the traits that the DSM describes that makes it a personality disorder. My ex strongly exhibited 7 out of the 9 with minor in the last 2.

In my case this is why I think it was hard for me to grasp there was something wrong with him until I was in deep and the rush of all of them came together.

I think the key for the future for me will be not to assign a pd to someone without justification but also realize when someone is possibly dangerous for me to be in a relationship with.

[DragoN]

I find myself being extra-aware of my own behaviors and being hyper-vigilant for any BPD traits.  I analyze others' behaviors too, but I'm more interested in finding out if anyone else has noticed themselves being more aware of their own thought patterns and actions, specifically watching for (and trying to avoid) behaviors that are hallmarks of BPD.

Yep. My own and others. A little bit intriguing.

Also, anything that has to do with mirroring.

I think the key for the future for me will be not to assign a pd to someone without justification but also realize when someone is possibly dangerous for me to be in a relationship with.

If he's dangerous to be in a relationship with, he has a PD. I will keep it simple for myself.