What do I do?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Things have been horrible as some of you know for me.  I do not know what to do anymore.

Last night there was a mild break and I brought home dinner after work.  She only cooks once a month maybe while just cleaning part time while I am working two jobs, essentially, but I am ok with that.  She had been laying laminate in a bedroom to save us money in a bedroom.  Of course, it is odd because she wants us to move, but we cannot move because she went over budget nearly $22k on remodeling our bathroom and torched my credit cards.   She still keeps remodeling though... anyways, I bring home food and we all sit to eat.  It is about 8:00 pm.  she finishes eating and says she is going to bed cause she is tired.  I am still eating and am still hungry.  I help gets get to bed and eat some more, at 9:15 pm when I am about completed eating she comes out angry asking me if I had planned on spending any time with her.  I had a feeling this would happen, but I had not eaten all day long and was hungry.  I come up and we talk, but she is on sleeping pills, gets upset and after about 30 minutes we go to bed

At 4 AM she wakes up not feeling well, and is angry again.  We talk and I get her some medicine for an hour.  This is fine, normally, but I am nervous because today my business is having an audit by a forensic accountant.  I handle the books and while I am not hiding anything, the system I am working with is not the best equipped and I am worried that something might be wrong.  If this turns out badly this could ruin not just my career, but my family's 3 generation business, the employees and their families, and my family.

I go into work at 8 am and my wife just calls me upset about how I never have time for lunch or make her feel special, and I only make her feel ignorant.  I really do try.  I am scared to death around holidays and just flat out ask her what she wants because nothing I ever get is good enough.  Nothing.  I will spends $800 on a night out and present etc.  Its always wrong.  Lunch is hard.  I have to work alot I admit, but she does not have a full time job and money is tight always.  We went from no debt to $35k in one year last year when I let loose some.

As she got angry, I asked her to please dont hammer on me today, that I gotta be mentally focused.

She said "hit you, your business, and your family"  "i never want to hear from you again, get your stuff today and move out"

Was i wrong?  I didnt want to hurt her or upset, I was just scared because today is serious and I have already been crying today.

What do I do?

if i go, she is alone and kids are alone with her.  They have no income, I cannot afford to keep her afloat and then start a new home.  I love her, I love her kids.  It is almost like I save myself and sacrifice them or try to save them which seems impossible now.

I have no where to go.  No friends, my only family in town is my mother and my wife HATES my mother saying she is a major cause for all of this.  I cannot go there and make it look like im siding with her

am i at fault?  what could have done differently?  I want to be a good husband so badly.  I cannot differentiate what is right and not despite therapy.

[hurthusband]

Things have been horrible as some of you know for me.  I do not know what to do anymore.

Last night there was a mild break and I brought home dinner after work.  She only cooks once a month maybe while just cleaning part time while I am working two jobs, essentially, but I am ok with that.  She had been laying laminate in a bedroom to save us money in a bedroom.  Of course, it is odd because she wants us to move, but we cannot move because she went over budget nearly $22k on remodeling our bathroom and torched my credit cards.   She still keeps remodeling though... anyways, I bring home food and we all sit to eat.  It is about 8:00 pm.  she finishes eating and says she is going to bed cause she is tired.  I am still eating and am still hungry.  I help gets get to bed and eat some more, at 9:15 pm when I am about completed eating she comes out angry asking me if I had planned on spending any time with her.  I had a feeling this would happen, but I had not eaten all day long and was hungry.  I come up and we talk, but she is on sleeping pills, gets upset and after about 30 minutes we go to bed

At 4 AM she wakes up not feeling well, and is angry again.  We talk and I get her some medicine for an hour.  This is fine, normally, but I am nervous because today my business is having an audit by a forensic accountant.  I handle the books and while I am not hiding anything, the system I am working with is not the best equipped and I am worried that something might be wrong.  If this turns out badly this could ruin not just my career, but my family's 3 generation business, the employees and their families, and my family.

I go into work at 8 am and my wife just calls me upset about how I never have time for lunch or make her feel special, and I only make her feel ignorant.  I really do try.  I am scared to death around holidays and just flat out ask her what she wants because nothing I ever get is good enough.  Nothing.  I will spends $800 on a night out and present etc.  Its always wrong.  Lunch is hard.  I have to work alot I admit, but she does not have a full time job and money is tight always.  We went from no debt to $35k in one year last year when I let loose some.

As she got angry, I asked her to please dont hammer on me today, that I gotta be mentally focused.

She said "hit you, your business, and your family"  "i never want to hear from you again, get your stuff today and move out"

Was i wrong?  I didnt want to hurt her or upset, I was just scared because today is serious and I have already been crying today.

What do I do?

if i go, she is alone and kids are alone with her.  They have no income, I cannot afford to keep her afloat and then start a new home.  I love her, I love her kids.  It is almost like I save myself and sacrifice them or try to save them which seems impossible now.

I have no where to go.  No friends, my only family in town is my mother and my wife HATES my mother saying she is a major cause for all of this.  I cannot go there and make it look like im siding with her

am i at fault?  what could have done differently?  I want to be a good husband so badly.  I cannot differentiate what is right and not despite therapy.

[ForeverDad]

Things have been horrible as some of you know for me.  I do not know what to do anymore.

Yes you do, re-read the responses here.   Support... . Distance... . Time... .

am i at fault?  what could have done differently?  I want to be a good husband so badly.  I cannot differentiate what is right and not despite therapy.

No, you're NOT at fault, of course.   However, listen to yourself.  I say this kindly - very kindly - and with good intentions... .

You're not a child who need someone's approval or verification.  At some point in the past you did know how to stand on your own two feet and make judgments and decisions without second guessing yourself.  Something happened.  What?  Yeah, you guessed it, you got into close proximity for an extended time to someone who effectively has a primary goal to overwhelm your boundaries and perceptions of reality.  A healthy marriae should be building you both up, not tearing you down.

Obviously you've been deeply affected by her behaviors toward you over the years.  So deeply you're a shell of the man you once were.  Tell us - right now - is she making significant changes to improve her behavior toward you?  Frankly, I don't see any improvements, the attacks, subversion and complaints keep on coming.  If you see some real positives, please let me know.  However, likely they're just window dressings, here today, gone tomorrow.

How to get your life back and some semblance of balance and perspective?

• Support - You have a therapist and you have peer support, probably family and trusted friends as well, take advantage of them and us!



• Distance - If she's not changing significantly for the better (no evidence of that, sadly) then that means divorce.  Frankly, your survival is at stake.  (Legal separation is a seldom used option but since you don't share children that would be an unnecessary half measure.



• Time - That eventually takes care of itself if you follow the two items above.

You have some good Support, now how about Distance to give you a chance to recover and decide your next steps?

[hurthusband]

its hard because she is trying.  She is going to therapy that she hates.  I see her trying to bite her tongue.  She just cannot help and handle the pain.  It means I get hurt, but I wouldnt leave her if she had cancer and tried to fight it.  Is it not wrong to give up on her when she is ill with this?

I know this is a bit different.  I wish I could give my life and have her have happiness.  I know that is not reality.  When we got together, I promised to take care of her.  I asked nothing of her and she promised nothing.  I did not know it was going to be like this, certainly, but she didnt break her word

I broke mine.  I am sick too.  I should point out that I do have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and obviously co-dependent.  When I met my wife at the age of 23, I had never had a girlfriend.  At the time she told me she was bipolar, since that was the diagnosis then.  She was/is beautiful, quick minded, adventurous, and was fairly happy with some craziness no doubt.  It was hard moving her in and putting aside my OCD of my home allowing kids and gf to dirty it up in my mind and basically limit my OCD control to a 3 x 3 area of our home where i did keep some things off limits.  I know that I have *magical* thinking and that because of my OCD and its ability to make me think things that are not true, I doubt other things as reality or my mind playing tricks.  The worst is the extreme guilt over doing things wrong.  That my mistakes or things I do are causing all of this to happen.  I take meds, I do go to therapy.  Like I said, I do not impose any of it on anyone and allow them to do what they want.  She thinks though that alot of what is wrong with me is my mind doing OCD tricks that are making me do things that make her miserable.

It is strange, because she is so kind and caring for others and animals.  She is the first person to drop what she is doing to help others... . cept me it seems.  She does point out all my flaws, I just do not know if they are deal breakers or not.  I never been in another relationship so I do not know now.  Now I am 35... .   I never smoked, did drugs, and hardly ever drink at all... in past year I have aged about 5 years I would say in the face.  I have lost about 20% of my strength too.  Maybe its just 35, but while I have endured her cheating on me, cleaning out a nice savings account, endured two suicide attempts, endured the bulemia, endured the the drug addiction, the alcohol addiction, endured the numerous jobs... the past year has brought something I cannot endure.  Her hating me, and her blaming me for ruining her life. 

How do you carve your heart out, hurt others more, and move away to try and find happiness for yourself?  She even says he wants that for me, but I just do not know.  I just do not know.  I am a shell of a man.  I do not mind it as much as seeing the one I love hurt so much

I have made things worse for us all, by getting involved with her.  Made things worse for her because I was not mentally strong as some of you are.  Poor boundaries... .

Thank you all for your support.  It is nice to have somebody to talk to.  It just feels so alone sometimes.  It is odd that you can feel more alone with a BPD spouse and family than you can living alone for 5 years with no gf or close friends.

[Kifazes]

I don't really have any good advice on this one.

But I can say - and I'm very sure of that - that you're not at fault.

She can't handle her emotions, that is not up to you to fix that. I've been working to that myself, and I got there. But please, give yourself a break. You ARE a good husband, you care about her, and her kids. You want to make it better.

The problem just is, you can't do it for her.

I hope you can find some peace, and remember that you are a good person.

Take care!

[ForeverDad]

Pardon my firmness above.  I had a marriage that imploded and to my knowledge my ex never chose therapy.  I was rejected and before long I accepted I had to let her go.  It was that or stay on a path similar to yours.  However, I was also a father and it then became a challenge to preserve my parenting despite obstruction and sabotage.

I'm glad she's in therapy.  Only time will tell whether she makes substantive progress.  Like you traits, it will have to be a years-long effort.  But it's worth the effort.

However, you still need some space to regain your equilibrium.  Can you find ways to do that?

BPD is a personality disorder that is most evident in close relationships.  And not much is closer than a marriage.  The closer you are, the more the disorder becomes apparent.  Think of magnets, the closer they come to iron, the stronger the effect of magnetism.  As I recall back when they were writing the DSM V the experts were contemplating renaming BPD as an Emotional Dysregulation Disorder.  It's all about the inconsistent, unpredictable and ever-changing moods, emotions and perceptions.  There's Denial, Entitlement, Need to Control or Dominate, etc.  Us being Enablers or Appeasers sure doesn't help either.

[tiredndown]

hurthusband

Hey man, I know how you are feeling. It is a very difficult time and you will come out of it. It's really hard for you to see this right now, but she is a broken child in a womens body. She is not capable of normal. It's like you trying to get a person that is wheel chair bound to walk. The ONLY thing you can do is to take care of YOURSELF ! If you don't take care of yourself, YOU WILL LOOSE YOU

its hard because she is trying.

If she hates therapy so much, she probably really doesn't believe or understand how sick she is.

[hurthusband]

She feels guilty and wants to die because she cannot help the way she feels and wants it to stop so she goes to therapy.  Of course, therapy is hard and forces her to face things she does not like which of course triggers the emotions.  They keep working on her being able to process her feelings and accept them rather than just raging, unfortunately, it seems like rage is the only emotion she has left.  It makes me angry at her parents because I see how her mother contributed to this.  I feel badly for her.  At the same time it is like caring for a wounded lion. 

I am tired... I feel overly lost at this point.  I want a break and to just stop, but everything is on me.  She has views remodeling the house as a benefit to me and it is real work and I understand that, but I do not know.  I have issues coming from a broken home.  I get along with my parents and love them both, but I see their flaws and what could have been done differently.  I do not want to make their mistakes, but while psychiatrist says I am not like them, I worry I am unintentionally making their mistakes.  I know much of what wife says is irrational, but it doesnt mean it all is.  How do you seperate what is rational from what is irrational so you can be a better person?

I really messed up making my first relationship a BPD.  I do not even have a reference point of somewhat normal.  I just want her to be safe and to stop feeling.  An aneurysm sounds ideal.  I stop feeling, life insurance pays to take care of family.  They hurt, but they know I love them and I did not do it on purpose to get away from them. 

Maybe I need more help, but there is no place to go.  I own my own business so i lose it if i go away.  I am sole income.  Even with Affordable Healthcare act, there is no real help on insurance that does not sink you from what I had before as an individual (cept rates double).  I let her isolate me too much.  I burned too many bridges thinking it was showing devotion to her

[tiredndown]

IMO It is NOT your job to help her, You are not qualified to help her, Trying to help her will destroy YOU... . It took me YEARS to get ME back, I had to fight HARD for it. It is not worth it.

You need to strongly consider moving on before you have your own mental issues to deal with.

[hurthusband]

yea... i always tried to keep things seperate and keep perspective and do what my heart told me until last year.  Things had not worked out well so I decided to give in and try her way.  Things spiraled horribly out of control into a new level of misery I did not know.  I now have constant fear of her and am terrified at all times of even her ring tone. 

I wish I could go back and do things differently.  I do not know that I regret knowing her her and that if I had to do it all over I wouldnt do it again.  I love her dearly.  I do feel it is too late for me at this point to a degree.  Not that with time I couldnt heal, but what it would take would kill me

[tiredndown]

I love her dearly.

May I ask what you 'love' about her?

[ForeverDad]

Things had not worked out well so I decided to give in and try her way.  Things spiraled horribly out of control into a new level of misery I did not know.

I now have constant fear of her and am terrified at all times of even her ring tone.

You know, I was desperate like that too.  My ex would demand I apologize but had stopped apologizing for herself.  So I decided to appease.  I apologizing for anything and everything for months.  Didn't change a thing.  Actually, life kept getting worse.  So I stopped blindly apologizing.  Sure, it enraged her and scared me, but I learned that appeasing wasn't a solution, nor was jumping at every little demand a solution either.

I wish I could go back and do things differently.  I do not know that I regret knowing her her and that if I had to do it all over I wouldn't do it again.  I love her dearly.  I do feel it is too late for me at this point to a degree.  Not that with time I couldn't heal, but what it would take would kill me

It's too late only if you let it be that way.  You have the right to not suffer abuse.  You have the right to enjoy a measure of life.  You do control your future, you've just handed it over to someone else.  Why not take it back?

I love her dearly.

May I ask what you 'love' about her?

Who says you can't love her from a 'distance' that is relatively safe from her emotional outbursts, demands and blaming?  The herpetologists caring for poisonous reptiles in zoos - actually zookeepers caring for animals in zoos - love their animals but they know to keep a safe distance and tread carefully or else they risk deadly attacks.  Moral:  It's okay, even required, that you protect yourself from danger.

[hurthusband]

I love her dearly.

May I ask what you 'love' about her?

She is spontaneous and has qualities I wish I had.  She didnt always blame me for everything.  It was others.  She would be lower functioning originally.  Doctors were treating her for bipolar with alot of different meds.  Eventually she crashed and couldnt function.  A new doctor told her she had Adult ADD.  She started on Vyvanse and adderal.  Starting functioning great, back in school, etc.  Then the anger started.  Then the blame.  Now it has consumed everything.  About 9 months ago I was suggested BPD by my doc and a psychologist diagnosed her about 6 months ago.  She went on therapy for 2 months then stopped for 2 months, now once a week.

She was my best friend.  Nobody I rather spend my time with

[MissyM]

What are you doing to strengthen yourself?  Dealing with your codependency and lack of boundaries will help you come to many of the answers you are seeking.  I agree with the others, taking a break from the insanity is a good thing.  The more you try to fix her emotional state, the worse you will feel and she will behave.  Been there, done that, bought the  t-shirt.

[maxsterling]

About all I can add is that I can relate to all of this.  I'm sorry you are going through it. 

[ForeverDad]

She didn't always blame me for everything.  It was others.  She would be lower functioning originally.

She was my best friend.  Nobody I rather spend my time with.

Same with my marriage.  We were best friends for a decade, well, most of the time.  But her rants/rages grew more and more frequent over time.  Her criticism and paranoia seemed to focus on others until eventually nearly all were driven away.  Only less than a handful were left, humble women she probably felt she could control.  I was left.  So I gradually became the new focus.  Then I was driven away.  We were in our 15th year when we separated, I called 911 and later made a report about her death threats against me.

[hurthusband]

things just escalated again

yesterday after she told me to go away and not come home after I said I could not argue since I had an audit at my business to go through.

She then told me to come home and feed and take care of kids that she was going to bed.  I got home, fed the kids, did laundry, trash, put kids to bed and went to be as soon as possible in spare bedroom.  Under no circumstances to come into her bedroom which I did not

This morning, the kids were leaving for the bus, and she came into spare room saying "arent you going to say goodbye to the f*ing kids"  I had not had a chance to say goodbye even.  I did, and then apologized to her and made mistake of explaining myself.  Of course, that means I had talked to her which she did not want.

She let into me how I have ruined her life.  How SHE is getting therapy twice a week and I am only once a month.  I am regularly taking my meds, she is not, although her meds are made up of stimulants at high doses which I question if those are not actually making things worse.  She says the psychologist she goes to with DBT has only taught her to be angry more while the psychiatrist she goes to do not talk to her but gives her Vyvanse and adderall to take for ADD. 

She then blasts me while I am trying to drive in a Texas snow (rarity) in a rear wheel drive truck with nothing in the bed.  Needless to say slipping around.  She does not care.  She accuses me of not taking time to check her vehicle which I did start and test, and clean off windshield, but snow got back on it.  She refuses to believe it.  I keep trying to validate her feelings.  Telling her I understand she is hurt, and she is feeling angry, and that it is reasonable to feel how she does.  That I am sorry she is hurting.  I am sorry about the abortion, but while she thinks I feel nothing over it I do.  this of course upsets her.  she gets more upset I am not showing any emotion. I am trying to be calm and collected.  I am trying to be consistant.  Then she tells me that I have to move out tonight and that I cannot say goodbye to the kids.  I do get weak in voice over that because I explain I do not want them to think I just abandoned them.  I do not want to hurt them.  This really upsets her because I get upset over that and not other stuff.

She says I never do anything special, I dont know how to cause my family is hited up.  I do not know her.  I try... flowers are never good enough, overnight stays at hotels in town upset her, nice restaurants do not please her.  Gifts she accuses me cause I do find good deals, but still I do spend hundreds on her. I do try.  I started past few years being so scared of getting her anything that I just ask her ahead of time what she would like and like to do.  She says that is not me putting effort in.  Now, I should point out that usually gifts for me consist of a $20 book of things normally I do not care about, but I always act gracious and am thankful that she just thought of me period.  Nothing wrong with the gift, but in comparision I would say I am trying harder.  Am I insane?

She keeps on how she hates me more than anything.  How she is with me only cause she has nowhere to go.  She tells me I have to move out not to inconvenience anyone.  I tell her, I have to stay with a family member or friend. I cannot afford to pay a mortgage, her utilities, and everything else while at same time paying for my own place.  Especially when for a living she cleans maybe 10 hours a week.  I mean that is very hard work, but its only about 15% of our income.

She keeps on and on.  I start to feel really bad.  I start thinking bad thoughts. I ask her if she still has an envelope I gave her with instructions to all my accounts and info in case something should happen to me so she knows how to collect all money owed me.  Of course, I am thinking about killing myself.  She asks me if I am.  I say, "I know you want to die, I understand that.  In the past you wanted to die much more than me, but I think with how things are I want to die more than you right now"  I basically invalidated her accidentally.  She then says "you did it now.  If you kill yourself, I will call the IRS and tell them things about your family's business and ruin it for them.  I will then call the police and tell them your mother smokes marijuana and keeps a granddaughter alot.  I will ruin your family and everyone you love"

I should point out that my family has a business that I work with about half the time.  I am working my way into it and will eventually take it over while phasing out and selling my own consulting company.  My family allowed me to take some money under the table in order to help me with tax situations.  I have been lower on funds past couple of years because with my wife's therapy and meds primarily we are looking at medical bills with insurance of $27k last year alone and then home improvements of another $15k.  Self employment tax already eats me up another $10k.  Needless to say when your income is basically $70k a year plus what wife makes cleaning and child support (she does not report her cleaning) it is not much.  This year I am reporting everything because I just have to show more to get her a better house she wants.  Also, she could get twice as much for one kid on child support if she ever asked for a raise but she does not want to inconvenience that dad and the other father of her child pays no child support because he is a bad guy and she doesnt want him in sons life. 

My mother does smoke marijuana on occasion which I hate, but I still will say is better than drinking a ton.  My sister is a mess, 21 with a 3 year old.  My mother spends most of the time taking care of her and basically enabling my sister and my brother to a degree.  My uncle is a cotrustee of an estate with my mother, but is addicted to pain killers.  My grandfather before he died thought he removed him from will but the attorneys messed up the will and he still has some interest.  While my mother would have no trouble just paying a small fine and getting off on the IRS accurasations of my wife (keep in mind she only did it to help us, it would have been more beneficial if she HAD reported us for herself) itwould cause more problems with my addict uncle.  It would mean he is more in the business more which is NOT good.  He was psycho.  He would take doors off houses, removed electric outlets, and take out air conditioners for people who were two days late on rent.  Eventually that would ruin my families business and cost tons of people their jobs.  My wife does not care.  She wants somebody to pay.  She says that is just if I hurt myself, but I do not know if she would do it despite the fact it would get her introuble. 

Its horrible because I have covered up for her with people and police numerous times.  Once she was drunk and pilled up, broke into a beautiful home being renovated.  She spray painted all over the place about death and she was going to kill herself and left.  She also lost her engagement ring at the scene.  They had no clue who did it, but it was wrong to let that happen.  I claimed it was a crazed nephew of mine that is back in institute and I would pay for repairs.  I found out later on she was taking her kids to buy meth from dealers... . whne she tried to kill herself in house and son found her, I never did anything to have kids removed.

I am defending myself... . she says I am uncaring, unthoughtful and the source of her pain.  She says her doctor says I am at fault for alot too.  I understand that completely.  I have problems.  I want to get better.  When I go to couples counseling though it seems they do not have as much wrong, she stopped it cause it landed on her mostly.  My own doc doesnt think I am not trying, but am i manipulating people unconsciously?  If she is out of line, why cannot I not see that

What do I do with somebody that is willing to destroy me and everyone else I love just to feel satisfied (which wont happen).  I am here on these forums not just cause I want to help be a better husband and partner for my wife, but because I have lost myself.  I want to be a good person I trust again.  I am held hostage now.  There is no way out without causing others around me pain.  Obviously this is going to be painful to myself and my wife, but this is something that will escalate to hurting kids, family, coworkers and everything.  She will not take prisoners and there is no satisfying her.  I HAVE to find a way to make it work or I will have to divorce her and make sure it is so nasty and so harmful bringint up all sorts of horrible things I do not want to in order to make sure to discredit her to protect others.  I would have to make her life worse than dying in order to protect others, or I make this work and suffer.

This is not Hitler here.  She is sick, she is doing this cause she is hurt.  If I did basically knock her down, that would hurt the kids.  The kids love her to death. They want her more than me which is how it should be.  She loves them to death too. 

It makes me think back 11 years ago.  I met my wife at a bar.  She was there with an older gentleman and was having a good time.   She flirted and asked me to meet them at another bar saying she was with friends.  Later that evening one of the men was quite upset.  Apparantly it was her boyfriend.  She got very verbal with her and she jumped out of the vehicle he forced her in.  I offered to give her a ride home.  I did, and we talked.  She said they were over and she was not typical BPD in that she did not jump into bed with me or anything, it was quite awhile before we did anything like that.  Few weeks later she had a miscarriage and I met the older bf at a restaurant cause he wanted to talk.  He told me that he loved her much and understood it was over.  That I seemed like a good young man.  He warned me that it would be difficult with her and that I did not fully grasp what I was getting into and that I would have to take care of her.  That she was not capable.  I still think he underestimated her.  She is resilient, but I never understood the depth those words could have meant.  That i was signing a contract and a sort of deal.  I would be giving up more than I ever dreamed

[tiredndown]

hurthusband

Man I am sorry for what you are going through.

1) Take a deep breath

2) Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

3) I messaged you a link, Read that and learn the Divorce \ Custody laws in your state

4) Get a lawyer