Request for Advice - Should I Tell My Daughter?

[Eodmava]

In the process of divorcing BPDw of 16 years.  Two daughters ages 3 and 9.  Question I want to pose is in relation to my 9 year old.  Should I discuss her mother's issue with her?  She is very emotionally mature and seems to be well adjusted.  I am constantly validating her and explaining reasonable responses to situations, often times after her mother has over-reacted to something trivial.  This of course drives the ex crazy, but I feel like I need to provide some sort of a sanity buffer for the sake of my daughter.  The little one (3) is still too small to have any sort of discussion about her mother's behavior and I am worried for her.  I was in the house and mitigating the damage for my oldest when she was smaller.  The little one doesn't have the same emotional and regulatory buffer.  The oldest is in therapy and ex is supportive... . actually pushed the idea before I did... . but the original reason my wife sent her to therapy was because she was not compliant enough and was pushing back against her mother's irrational behaviors... . probably copying me.  So... . appreciate any thoughts.

[santa]

Yeah... . if you want to get accused of parental alienation... . go ahead and tell her.

I think you'd be better off just saying "Mommy is difficult" and waiting until she's older to give her the low down. She's going to repeat everything you say to your ex, so be careful.

[Turkish]

 Hello Eodmava. I  can relate to being " forced"  into therapy... .  first by my emotionally disordered mother when I  was 13,  then 25  years later by my uBPDx.  I'm so sorry for daughter has to go through that.  maybe instead of telling them,  ask them why they think their mommy is the way she is.  then go from there.  it will give you insight into what they can handle at their emotional level rather than trying to assume,  our risk alienation.  please check out the book An  Umbrella  For  Alex. I  just read it,  and it's appropriate for your 9  year old's level.  it's written to bee red with children and may be a good place from which to open up gentle discussion points.  the only thing I  didn't like about it is that it assumed a  married couple staying together. I  still think it may be useful  and will read it with my son depending upon how things go when they start spending time with their uBPD  mother 50%  of the time soon with me no longer around to  stop escalations.

[damage control]

I would have to say that irrespective of how mature your 9 y/o is, they are nowhere near old enough to have this type of information presented to them.

Children feel attached to their parents and being told that one of their parents is 'sick' or 'has something wrong with them' (I mean outside of a hospital stay/surgery etc which is short-term) can have the child internalising that perhaps they too have something 'wrong' with them.

Even if you couch it in different terms, a 9 y/o can only make sense of what you say within a narrow schema of experience - and this can have an enormous effect on how s/he views him/herself.

There is plenty of evidence here in this forum of just how difficult it is for adults to process what this illness (or whatever you want to call it) is and/or what that MEANS ... . how could a child even begin to do it irrespective of how gently you explained it?

[LilMissSunshine]

There is plenty of evidence here in this forum of just how difficult it is for adults to process what this illness (or whatever you want to call it) is and/or what that MEANS ... . how could a child even begin to do it irrespective of how gently you explained it?

Completely Agree.  Good call DC .  Eodmava - pls take my advice - never, ever speak poorly of your children's mother - especially in front of your girls - no matter the circumstance.  EVER.  (okay, one exception = venting on this board) It will only come back to bite you in the hit_.  Let them form their own opinion based on their personal experience, as they grow into young women.  Besides, your divorce is enough trauma enough for them right now.  Stay strong for your babies