Why can't/won't he understand...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am on day 3 NC (I know, just the beginning), and woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I need to tell him that I'm not the cause of chaos in his life. I mean… he must notice that he is miserable and overwhelmed whether I am there or not, and at least when I am there he has someone to talk to about these things. Why still push me away and dump me?

[tabular]

I am on day 3 NC (I know, just the beginning), and woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I need to tell him that I'm not the cause of chaos in his life. I mean… he must notice that he is miserable and overwhelmed whether I am there or not, and at least when I am there he has someone to talk to about these things. Why still push me away and dump me?

[Free2Bee]

You can tell him, hon, but he won't 'hear' you. One of the hardest aspects about NC for me has been not reaching out to find that closure. The closure isn't there - trust me (and everyone else on this board).

Hang in there... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

A borderline needs a scapegoat, someone to project all of their perceived unloveableness on, otherwise they will die of shame.  The psychic drive is so strong he will never see it your way or accept responsibility; serious mental illness, he does not see himself and the world the way you do.

A better focus is to let him go and ask yourself why you want to tell him. Probably because you want validation that you aren't the crazy one, and maybe want some closure?  If yours is anything like mine you won't get those things, and trying will just hurt more. Better to accept you had to be the scapegoat and shift the focus to you, difficult at this point I realize, but it's all you're in control of.

[Littleopener]

^ these are very wise words.

He will never understand. He will never see your side of the story. I have tried everything and only now am I coming to terms with this, having wasted the better part of a year trying to convince him that I'm not some evil bhit queen from hell. Look to your friends and your past relationships if you need evidence that you are amazing and lovely. I find that most people who have an ex BPD partner are the nicest of people and they are the people who really really do not deserve the treatment they get.

[ogopogodude]

This is the best website for us non-BPD people (which I think the better term is victims …... victims of verbal, emotional --and sometimes physical-- abuse).

I grab little phrases for me (from members here)  to ingrain in to my mind to remember why I left my spouse who I could not communicate with and "get thru" to her …...

Pretty much in every thread I write down in my mind, … sometimes down on paper these phrases such as:

 

"Borderlines need a scapegoat at all times"

"you can TELL him/her, but he/she won't HEAR you"

Just try this little technique. … it actually  helps. Grab a pen and paper (and keep them beside your computer) and write down things that you pull from this website. I swear it's better than going to a  therapist. Because it is therapy in itself.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is the best website for us non-BPD people (which I think the better term is victims …... victims of verbal, emotional --and sometimes physical-- abuse).

Here's another one for your notepad: we weren't victims, we were volunteers. Yes, the relationships were great in the beginning, but when they turned abusive, why did we stay?  There's a lot of growth available in the answers to that question.

[santa]

Ummm... . because he's mentally disturbed.

[growing_wings]

ohh i can soo related to you, i sometimes feel the same and not along i posted that i wanted to break NC to "confirm" she is unstable, etc ...   Seeking balance told me something that hit home: do i want to talk to her because i want to feel less guilty? to ensure she is ill?

do you want to speak to him and tell him what he wont listen, why? will that make you feel less guilty? i know this is true to me.

he wont understand, fromheeltoheal has explained well why he wont.

keep strong and stay NC, find balance for yourself first.

[Pou]

A borderline needs a scapegoat, someone to project all of their perceived unloveableness on, otherwise they will die of shame.  The psychic drive is so strong he will never see it your way or accept responsibility; serious mental illness, he does not see himself and the world the way you do.

A better focus is to let him go and ask yourself why you want to tell him. Probably because you want validation that you aren't the crazy one, and maybe want some closure?  If yours is anything like mine you won't get those things, and trying will just hurt more. Better to accept you had to be the scapegoat and shift the focus to you, difficult at this point I realize, but it's all you're in control of.

I agree with almost everything except that I do not really believe NPD/BPD is a mental illness.  I see it as a choice.  The fact that they can identify their targets make me realize that they are in no way not being able to control their behaviors.  IF you put them under 24/7 surveillance and have the lawyer read their rights and let them know if they violate the line of being abusive, they can end up in prison ... i can almost guarantee that they will stop their behaviors.  I genuinely believe the NPD/BPD pick a NONs to target because they see us as "dispensable" … much like a cat playing mouse … cat is not hungry but fun to chase around.  At some point, they decided that we are no value to them and the only value is for us to satisfy their ego exercising their cruelty ... kind of like an punching bag.  just so they can blow some steam.  for us, we care so much in this relationship, we take it seriously because we are building for the long term … for them, we mean nothing to them.  So if you can see that and realize that their interpretation of who we are should have nothing to do with reality ... then you should peel yourself off this sadistically interaction.  It is very very very hard to do for NONs … we are normal, we desire love and a normal healthy relationship… why wouldn't others do the same?  I live and I learned, I was naive and still naive... and that is what got me here.  If you have a chance to get out … fromheeltotoe's post is right… you are in control of yourself, and that is all you can do.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with almost everything except that I do not really believe NPD/BPD is a mental illness.  I see it as a choice.  The fact that they can identify their targets make me realize that they are in no way not being able to control their behaviors.  IF you put them under 24/7 surveillance and have the lawyer read their rights and let them know if they violate the line of being abusive, they can end up in prison ... i can almost guarantee that they will stop their behaviors.  I genuinely believe the NPD/BPD pick a NONs to target because they see us as "dispensable" … much like a cat playing mouse … cat is not hungry but fun to chase around.  At some point, they decided that we are no value to them and the only value is for us to satisfy their ego exercising their cruelty ... kind of like an punching bag.  just so they can blow some steam.  for us, we care so much in this relationship, we take it seriously because we are building for the long term … for them, we mean nothing to them.  So if you can see that and realize that their interpretation of who we are should have nothing to do with reality ... then you should peel yourself off this sadistically interaction.  It is very very very hard to do for NONs … we are normal, we desire love and a normal healthy relationship… why wouldn't others do the same?  I live and I learned, I was naive and still naive... and that is what got me here.  If you have a chance to get out … fromheeltotoe's post is right… you are in control of yourself, and that is all you can do.

BPD is an attachment disorder, with the sufferer constantly looking for that perfect attachment, that person who will make them whole, a fantasy, but we fulfilled that fantasy to begin with, that perfect bond that would erase a lifetime of pain.  And once the reality of the relationship set in, far from perfect and at odds with the fantasy, a borderline gets confirmation that they are unlovable, would die of the shame if they acknowledged it, so they project it onto us, we're the scumbag, we're the scapegoat, we have to be to make the borderline's hell tolerable.  All that self hatred is projected outward, giving the impression that they are cruel and heartless, when what they are trying to do is survive.  And of course that survival requires another attachment, another perfect suitor to fuse with and reenact the fantasy all over again, to be let down once again; it's a flow-through system, a personality disorder, a mental illness, that is hardwired into their personality because it is the result of trauma that happened when they were very young and the personality was still forming, so yes, they have a choice in their actions, but their priorities and decisions come from a very different place than ours.

[myself]

Most of the people talked about on this site are undiagnosed.

We need to be careful to not scapegoat them to alleviate our own pain.

Sure, if it walks like BPD and talks like BPD... . But it might not be.

Armchair psychology only goes so far.

It may be habit-forming.

A 'replacement' for a r/s that didn't work out.

[Jayhawk21]

Hold strong on the NC. it's for the best.

We support ya!'

[fromheeltoheal]

Most of the people talked about on this site are undiagnosed.

We need to be careful to not scapegoat them to alleviate our own pain.

Sure, if it walks like BPD and talks like BPD... . But it might not be.

Armchair psychology only goes so far.

It may be habit-forming.

A 'replacement' for a r/s that didn't work out.

You're right myself; it's easy to play amateur shrink.  Learning about the clinical side of the disorder explains a lot to me, helps me understand what happened, and eliminates the confusion I felt as I thought I was literally going insane.  And having learned it, it fits my ex to a tee.

But that's only one of the steps in healing.  I stayed in the relationship, and what we created was a loaded bond, with my stuff just as complicit in the happenings.  So why did I do that?  Why was time spent with her such an intoxicating buzz for me?  What was that feeding inside me?  The pain of the relationship has motivated me to dig deep and discover my motivations and beliefs; I'm positive I don't have a personality disorder, some narcissistic traits definitely, but the growth that has resulted has been profound, everything seems different now, my view of myself and my view of the world, priorities have shifted, I'm feeling much more alive, the ultimate gift of the experience.

[tabular]

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. Ah the limbo! Staying strong with NC, but stupid linkedin sent out invitations to ALL my gmail contacts today, and he was one of them. Withdrew it the second I realised, but still the invitation e-mail went out. DAMN!

[santa]

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. Ah the limbo! Staying strong with NC, but stupid linkedin sent out invitations to ALL my gmail contacts today, and he was one of them. Withdrew it the second I realised, but still the invitation e-mail went out. DAMN!

Bunker down and stick to hard no contact. If he responds to your invite, delete it without reading. Build a wall between you and him and don't let there be any cracks in it.