I am panicking

[elemental]

I opened skype up and he appeared to be there. So I said exactly 2 lines. Again ignored. Or, he has the program open somewhere and is afk, so no answer

Help me out, please. I am panicking. Immediately my hands are sweaty, heart pounding. Normally he goes over to see his kids every other weekend or so. He was there last weekend, and I think he is there again this weekend.

Which is him increasing time there. (cheating? ) He has gone late enough in the day According to his mom he left about 3 PM and she wasn't sure where he was going. It's very very cold out, like -2 F.

Please tell me why he can make a 3 hour trip across town in that temp, but not a 3 hour trip back and enforce proper boundries?

All I immediately feel opening up skype and unblocking him is literally high anxiety, emotional upset, hopelessness, horrible fear of the cheating, and rage at being ignored. Yes, I know... . a half hour wait is ignoring

So I text him and say his name. Under calm conditions, he will show up. So I feel... . him overnighting at ex's again, probably 10 reasons why but I just think the increasing effort there is him sleeping with her.

I want to close skype again. Is this just a knee jerk reaction and me not "sitting with it"? Or is it valid, considering I would like to get back to normal with him. I don't think I can handle those overnights and the #%& silent treatment anymore.

My heart is pounding so hard

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[elemental]

oh god, nevermind. He showed up. THIS is how I get in trouble. Effing panic attacks.

If it helps, I decided to try therapy with someone who specializes in PTSD and DBT.

Let's find out if it's me who is actually the borderline. :/

[maxen]

i'm glad you're looking at therapy elemental.

i never had panic attacks in my life until my stbxBPDw dropped the bomb last june. now i have them may be twice a week (which is down from maybe 4 times a week). there are two opinions about meds, but i'm very happy my P gave me a clonazepam prescription. i carry a few with me. i teach and must interact with people all day everyday and it really makes all the difference that i have the tabs. just my own experience. but if you're having panic attacks that badly you may want to talk about it with your T?

ps - the avatar. i love the avatar.

[123Phoebe]

oh god, nevermind. He showed up. THIS is how I get in trouble. Effing panic attacks.

If it helps, I decided to try therapy with someone who specializes in PTSD and DBT.

Let's find out if it's me who is actually the borderline. :/

DBT will help no matter what

Also wanted to ask you something about the weather where you live... .   You had mentioned (I think ) about it being frigid.  It's super duper cold here too   It was depressing me to the max!  Do you think it's contributing to your moods?

With work and other personal matters I'm not in a position to go anywhere tropical and the other morning I got sick of myself feeling sick of the weather   So I decided to embrace it.  Pulling out some very comfy soft blankets to pile high!  Long hot showers with fragrant shower gels and lotions.  Really feeling the warmth of the coffee cup on my hands.  Unwinding before sleep, taking extra special care of my skin and trying to get a full 8hrs of it.  Bought some flower bulbs (narcissus ) to grow indoors to watch something grow and bloom, yay!  A fridge and cupboards stocked with comfort foods.  Can't forget the happy lamp   Plus making plans for something fun to look forward to and that would be... . Groundhog Day, yippee!   It puts us on the good side of winter and that's surely something to celebrate and rejoice!

Are you taking good care of yourself?

[joethemechanic]

oh god, nevermind. He showed up. THIS is how I get in trouble. Effing panic attacks.

If it helps, I decided to try therapy with someone who specializes in PTSD and DBT.

Let's find out if it's me who is actually the borderline. :/

Yeah, the disappearing acts have me on edge too. If she is 15 minutes late, I start to get nervous and upset.

She asks me "Why?"

I tell her "Because you disappear about 2 nights a week"

She just doesn't get it. Yet if I don't answer my phone, she freaks out. BPD double standard I guess

[waverider]

This is what happen when trust has gone, and self esteem has been shot to bits.

Starts with rebuilding you and ridding yourself of dependency

[patientandclear]

Starts with rebuilding you and ridding yourself of dependency

Waverider, could you say more about how you see this happening within the context of a r/s where the BPD partner is sometimes very present and intimate, and sometimes gone without (plausible) explanation?  Some of you wise elder statespeople are a little cryptic sometimes

[Lilibeth]

Hi Patientandclear. Waverider's right when he says you have to rebuild yourself. I don't have the same problem, but i too get dreadful panic attacks because of my husband behaving in an inconsistent manner. You have to create a distance. You may feel it is not you, and that you are a loving and warm person - and this creating of a distance is not really what you want to do. Believe me, this really is the best thing to do... . you will find yourself becoming stronger and being able to react in a manner that will not hurt you so badly. Panic attacks are awfully painful, and why should you hurt yourself. The distance will also help you to see the relationship in a better and clearer light. Just step back, and force yourself to read/do/work on something else just when the panic starts and the hurtful thoughts come pouring into your mind and heart. Gradually it will become easier to step back... .

[elemental]

The last couple of days have been fine, aside from some base anxiety and wariness. 

In particular what I learned from this episode is to reach for detachment and fill up on my own activities and interests in order to support the detachment. 

Of course the advice here was to do just that. I guess I had to calm down some for it.

I know the same issues will come up again. Probably I will be able to step back on the daily sorts of things he does that I guess on his side have to do with him withdrawing to self soothe. The big issue is the overnights at the ex's and the anxiety/panic I feel over that.

My plan is to have other things to do.  He takes a visit every other week, regular basis, so it's not terribly unexpected when he goes. Once I realize he is, I am going to exuse myself and go quiet to self soothe ME. And since he comes back from those visits in a bad state of mind, so I will just stay out of the firing line until he seems calm.

I don't know if this will be an effective long term strategy for me, but it will probably be ok for now until i can sort another strategy out.

Best I can see myself doing right now.

[Lilibeth]

Zencat, i really do hope you find peacefulness in this relationship. Anxiety kills, believe me... . it's the most horrible and terrible state to be in. The worst is when it gets to the point when you start doubting everything you are doing, and your self-esteem and sense of self-worth start to plummet. Be careful there... . Obviously you love this person enough to go through these phases, but please do find ways of detaching yourself, for your own self, and by extension for the relationship. Be clear in your mind about the points at which you need to be detached. Don't burden your mind by thinking long term just yet - one day at a time, or rather one situation at a time.

All the very best

Lilibeth