Ego.

[Mutt]

I think that I've come one realization as to why I have been having a difficult time through separation and divorce and it is my ego. I didn't feel emancipation and a sense of relief and wanting to go out and meet new woman etc... . from separation / divorce, I have found it to be an extremely difficult ordeal in my life.

It was my role as a husband / father, my place in the family unit as provider / protector that brought purpose and validity to my life. When that was taken away, I felt like it shattered my sense of self. I have the kids part of the time now and I find it extremely difficult when they are away.

I'm less than a month away until I can get divorced and I sense that there is going to be another level to this that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm also going to sense that it's a going to take sometime to adjust / accept my current role as a single father and the dynamics have changed.

[fromheeltoheal]

I get it Mutt.  We all have identities, and the identity of husband/father/provider/protector is a noble and fulfilling one for a man; you at least get to be father/provider/protector for your kids when they are with you, and you will always be their father.

I'm also sorry your soon-to-be ex wife is borderline, making a happy home impossible.  There's an opportunity for you to reinvent yourself, and be grateful that you've mostly removed your ex from your life; for a family man a divorce is a big deal, even though she's been gone for a while, the finality of the divorce represents the official end of that union, and that may take some processing time once it's done.

And think about this: with the identity of family man being very important to you, the best thing you can do is structure your life as a single father such that you attract a healthy gal who wants to integrate into that, and then you can resume your role in a much happier way.  I'm in that place too, focusing on a happy future with someone much healthier, and taking steps every day to move in that direction.  We get what we focus on, and a gift of my relationship with my ex was that I got very clear on what I do want, motivated by pain, and after the detachment I got a sense of urgency to create it.

What do you want your future to look like?

[Mutt]

What do you want your future to look like?

I have given it much thought about what I want the future to look like. At one point I was thinking that I'm done w/ r/s with women because of my FOO issues / co-depency and falling into this rabbit hole. One of many lessons in grieving / detaching is that I became self-aware.

Having said that, saying that being done w / r/s is all or nothing thinking and it's confining myself to solitary confinement. I have the right to be happy and that would be a disservice to myself, and there's no need to punish myself. I have good qualities and I'll find someone again.

My short term goal is to focus solely on the kids, create a calm / comfortable home for them ( I got a really small place after she left) regain my footing financially. I want to find something to keep myself occupied for the week that I do not have the kids because I feel like it's a void, exercise as my doctor suggested to release endorphins.

In the long term, I want to be a family man again. I want to detach, work on my core issues and find someone that is loving and positive and has values that align with mine. I can get there, I can see that the future is positive, it's this current pre-divorce void without having the kids that I find hard, but I need to find something to occupy the mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, exercise is good and the endorphin buzz after a good workout and shower is beneficial feel-good.

As we break up, grow, heal and detach from these relationships there's a whole lot of focusing on the past.  I've realized that and consciously focus on the future; I like to ride bicycles, and I've been going on long rides and setting a goal of focusing on the future for the entire ride.  Very meditative riding a bike, and when I mix that future-focus with endorphins, it puts me in a very positive forward-looking place.  Take care a you!

[seeking balance]

I'm less than a month away until I can get divorced and I sense that there is going to be another level to this that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm also going to sense that it's a going to take sometime to adjust / accept my current role as a single father and the dynamics have changed.

Worthiness is something most of us struggle with once a marriage ends - we tend to have a predefined set of criteria and when life looks different it can shake our very core.

Creating a new normal takes some time to establish and new routines which add value to our self worth will be created as well.  For me, I have a spiritual take on this that has helped, but I do think it is a deeply personal journey for what works for you.

Exercise, community, service, learning something new - these are all things to "Fill up" our tanks as we process the reality of the relationship end, FOO triggers and emotions.

You are digging deep Mutt - good stuff!

[Mutt]

I like to ride bicycles, and I've been going on long rides and setting a goal of focusing on the future for the entire ride.

Exercise, community, service, learning something new - these are all things to "Fill up" our tanks as we process the reality of the relationship end, FOO triggers and emotions.

FOO triggers and emotions, that's good.

Art and creativity.

It's a hobby and talent that I have that I have left in the back-burner for a long-time. I love the creative process, there's nothing quite like it for me.

Thank you both.

[ucmeicu2]

I'm less than a month away until I can get divorced and I sense that there is going to be another level to this that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm also going to sense that it's a going to take sometime to adjust / accept my current role as a single father and the dynamics have changed.

hi Mutt, i think it's great that you have a sense of what is coming.  that 'sensing', that intuition, that self-knowing, is key.  remember all those red flags you probably ignored abt your ex?  you're not ignoring your inner voice anymore, Mutt!  a HUGE benefit is that you won't be blind-sided by it... . and you can minimize it's impact if/when it does occur.  good work!

reading your post i can really see the hard work, introspection, examination that you've been doing.  it's inspiring to me!

icu2

[Mutt]

I'm less than a month away until I can get divorced and I sense that there is going to be another level to this that I'm going to have to deal with. I'm also going to sense that it's a going to take sometime to adjust / accept my current role as a single father and the dynamics have changed.

hi Mutt, i think it's great that you have a sense of what is coming.  that 'sensing', that intuition, that self-knowing, is key.  remember all those red flags you probably ignored abt your ex?  you're not ignoring your inner voice anymore, Mutt!  a HUGE benefit is that you won't be blind-sided by it... . and you can minimize it's impact if/when it does occur.  good work!

reading your post i can really see the hard work, introspection, examination that you've been doing.  it's inspiring to me!

icu2

Thank you icu2 and thank you for sharing that perspective, I think your right