I noticed something the other day

[Cloudy Days]

I just recently went on Vacation with my husband and my mother in law and I noticed something and wanted to see if anyone else has noticed anything like this with their significant other and their parent.

My mother in law is very sweet, I never actually thought that she really had a big part in my husband developing his illness. His father was very controlling and didn't encourage feelings in their home and was also pretty emotionally abusive. Anyways when on Vacation every time my husband would choose something to eat or even to buy as a souvenir my mother in law would make him second guess himself. My husband has a hard time making his own decisions to the point that he actually asks me to make them for him a lot of the time because he can't make up his mind. We ate out a lot at restaurants and not every time but almost every time my mother in law would say something like, wouldn't you rather get this and this so you can get two things, or would you want to get this and I will get this and split it with me. Every time he had his mind made up she would make him second guess his choice. Then once he got his food he would be disappointed in what he got. We talked about it last night and he said that she has always done that kind of thing. Even with toys when he was younger she would point something else out and ask him if he wanted something else instead and try to convince him that he wanted the other thing. I have one instance that really stuck out in my mind that happened last year. We eat out a lot with my mother in law and we went to a fancy restaurant. My husband sort of wanted prime rib but was going to settle for a hamburger because he wasn't sure he really wanted it, he had his mind made up and was ordering it. His mom said didn't you want the prime rib, why don't you get that? So he went ahead and said ok, then the waitress asked him how he wanted it cooked. He said medium well, I know he likes his meat cooked. His mom then says oh, you probably want to order it medium rare, it gets tough if it's cooked too long. So my husband got it the way she suggested. When we got our food, it looked good enough, but he basically had to eat raw meat which he doesn't like. He ended up being very hungry and grumpy later because of his meal. If he had just got the hamburger he was originally going to order things would have been fine. But I can think of instances like this over and over again. And it clicked, she drives him nuts!

I can't imagine that would help with developing your decision making skills as a child.

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[hergestridge]

My BPDw couldn't have had it easy either. Decision making must have been hell.

Her dad (obviously an undiagnosed BPD person) always told her how important and final every small decision was, and how impossible it was going to be to change her mind later. "Chose now, and *don't* come say you've changed your mind again!" , anticipating something that the girl was going to bother him later, giving her the telling off right away.

As icing on the cake, her dad always changed his mind afterwards, often with the consequences that the girl couldn't have what the chose anyway. Or that the she couldn't have anything at all.

Her mom kept (and keeps) lists of everyone's preferences and tells people what they like. "You told me last time that you the color blue, so I don't understand why you don't chose the blue one this time. You don't like the color blue anymore?". She demands everyone to act according to some kind of internal logic.

It probably wasn't easy to just be yourself and do your thing... .

My wife has strong impulses to blow things off or change plans at last minute, testing the patience of family and friends. It's one of the things I have to set boundaries about if we are going to live together and have a family. We have to stick to plans.

[Kifazes]

The same thing over here :-)

2 years ago we were looking to buy a house. Since my BPDbf his parents always want to have a say in things we do or decide, they went with us. Even the second time we went looking at the same house.

We signed for it. My BPDbf's mom asked if we would still look further. Were his dad said to her "You don't buy a house, and then look further. It's like buying a car, and going to see another one"

I was so glad that his dad said that! Now I didn't have to be the "bad guy" for saying; no, we will not look at any more houses.

Two days later, his dad called us, saying he had seen a beautiful house for sale, and wanted to go look at it with us.

I was flabbergasted! What the ... . ? How could he say such things to my mother in law, and then change his mind himself?

Anyways, he forced my boyfriend to withdraw the offer we've made on the first house. Causing major BPD meltdown in my boyfriend, and I could pick up the pieces, and fit them back together.

And the second house? It was a joke! It was so tiny that when you came from the foyer to the living room, you almost fell over the furniture. So we didn't make an offer, and were both pissed.

I never took my BPDbf to blame for that, this was definitely the wrong doing of his parents. And since then, things have been much more clear to me in how he developed his "making decisions" issues.

[sadeyes]

Interesting. My bf has a terrible time with decisions. It is to the point he more often than not does whatever not deciding gets him (if that is possible for the situation)

On a side note, he often does poorly with me changing my mind about a decision. Simple things. I say I am going to grocery x and change my mind and go to grocery y.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband gets upset when I change my mind over things too. I have the codependency problem where I just let someone else decide for me what we do or what I cook for dinner so the fact that my husband cannot choose anything does cause problems for us. I always think about what my husband would want and since I am not him then I can't really think of what he would want and it drives me crazy because he gets upset if I ask him a question or really too many questions so he can't think strait.

I find that I get along with his mother so well that I can forgive her little annoyances. However it just drives my husband crazy. His father was the type of guy that told you how you felt and if you had anything to say about it then you were wrong. So I can imagine having someone tell you that you are wrong all the time and then having your mother make you second guess every other decision you make. I really understand now why he can't make decisions and why it frustrates him so much.